Today, I am turning over my column to some other writers - in particular, some of the great kids where my wife is a preschool teacher. They have taken on the annual tradition of writing down their recipes for the perfect Thanksgiving turkey. Each year, I stand in the halls laughing out loud at the wonderfully creative musings from some of our littlest chefs, thinking, "I really should use these in a column." So, to that end, out of the mouths (and Crayons) of babes...
How to make a Thanksgiving turkey:
1. Put pancakes and ring pops on top.
2. Spin the spoon around the turkey like my mom does.
3. Cook for three days.
-- Aaron
1. Stir the turkey up with blue cake, hot dogs, cheese and mustard.
2. Put it on the grill for 9 minutes.
-- Christian
1. Put it in a pan.
2. Put hamburger and cheese with mustard and ketchup.
3. Put it in the oven 30 minutes, then the grill for 30 minutes, then the microwave for 30 minutes.
4. Cut it in half.
-- Caleb
1. Put strawberries, bananas, macaroni and cheese, bbq chicken and cereal on top.
2. Put it in a pan.
3. Then put it outside where it is hot for 1 day.
-- Rylee
1. Put turkey in the oven.
2. Cook for one minute.
3. Cut up the turkey.
-- Maddie
1. Put chocolate M&Ms on top of the turkey.
2. Put it in a pot on the stove for 40 minutes.
3. Put it on a plate.
-- Lincoln
1. Put turkey on the grill for three minutes.
2. Sprinkle it with salt and pepper.
3. Put it on a plate.
-- Nicholas
1. Put cheese and apple sauce on top of turkey.
2. Put it in a pot of top of the stove.
3. Cook it for two minutes.
4. Set it on your plate.
5. Wash your hands.
-- Tori
1. Put carrots, beans and apples on top.
2. Stir it up.
3. Put it in the oven for five minutes.
-- Syan
1. Put chicken and sprinkled donuts on top of the turkey.
2. Put it in the microwave for five days.
3. Put it on a plate.
-- Nicholas
1. Put bananas on the turkey.
2. Put a chicken in the pan with the turkey.
3. Cook in the oven for five minutes.
4. Put cauliflower on the turkey.
5. Eat your turkey with donuts.
-- Jonas
1. Cover the turkey with salt.
2. Fry the turkey with fish, okra and corn
-- Danny
1. You put a spider on the turkey.
2. Take the turkey outside.
3. Color the turkey with crayons.
4. Bring the turkey inside and put it in the oven.
5. Cook for five hours.
6. Have a party with your turkey.
-- Haley
1. Make the oven hot.
2. Put sauce on the turkey.
3. Put a ham in the pan with the turkey.
4. Cook the turkey for 40 minutes.
5. Take turkey out and put bird sauce on it.
-- Luke
1. Put marshmallows on the turkey.
2. Put the turkey in the oven.
3. Cook the turkey for one minute.
4. Cover the sides of the turkey with chocolate candy.
-- Brendan
So there you go. Next week, when you're prepping for your Thanksgiving feast, use any of these recipes for a meal that is guaranteed to be memorable by everyone at the table.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Christmas list time
So we have made our annual journey to the stores with the kids so that they can make their Christmas lists.
We do this every year, full well knowing that the kids' lists usually can be summed up by "one, maybe two, of everything." Eventually, we whittle some of that down to a list that would easily keep Santa's elves in overtime but is at least a starting point.
Another bonus of the annual trips: it turns into a nostalgic walk for my wife and me, as we take turns reminiscing about toys from our youth. (This year, I was pleased to be able to blurt out, "Barrel of Monkeys! Jenn - Barrel of Monkeys!")
It's usually a fun couple of hours to spend. Granted, the event itself is usually about four hours. But a couple of them are fun. I am sure the rest of the family would enjoy the entire time if I did not run out of shopping gas after hour two.
To make the lists, we hit the various hot spots. And "hot spot" is defined as "having toys." "Super hot spot" is defined as "having toys and Icees."
At one point, we were strolling through our journey when Parker and I had this conversation:
ME: So, if Santa were to put a gift card in your stocking, what store would you want it to be from?
PARKER: Hmmm...
ME: Any store, Parker. You name it...
PARKER: I guess a $300 gift card from Target.
Clearly, Parker believes Santa is firmly in the black this year.
ME: Parker, Santa isn't going to give you a $300 gift card.
PARKER: Fine. $200.
ME: I think we need to have a talk about money.
The big highlight of the trip for me came when we made our way to the Star Wars section. The brilliant marketing geniuses behind Star Wars toys have hit upon absolute gold. They have reintroduced a lot of the toys from when I was a kid, as sort of retro toys. So, as Parker is cruising through "Star Wars: Clone Wars" toys, I am showing my true geekiness by calling to my wife, "LUKE SKYWALKER IN BESPIN FATIGUES! HONEY! LUKE SKYWALKER! IN HIS BESPIN FATIGUES!"
By that point, my wife is about four aisles away, as she is trying to distance herself from me. Her 7-year-old screaming, "BOBA FETT HELMET!" Kinda cute. Her 38-year-old husband? Yeah, not as cute.
The brilliance of the marketing is in its simplicity. A host of 30-somethings grew up playing with these toys and, even as we have grown older, many of us still have a fondness for our Star Wars youth. Now we have kids and get to live vicariously through them. I, for one, am having my direct deposit changed so that part of my paycheck just goes directly to George Lucas. Let's just be honest about how this is going to play out and cut out the middle man.
Eventually, we managed to complete both the kids' lists, and I am pleased to see that both of my children have very expensive and comprehensive tastes. I haven't given it to her yet, but I hope to slip my list to my wife soon. What do you think the chances are I get a Barrel of Monkeys? I can play with them while I wear my Boba Fett helmet.
We do this every year, full well knowing that the kids' lists usually can be summed up by "one, maybe two, of everything." Eventually, we whittle some of that down to a list that would easily keep Santa's elves in overtime but is at least a starting point.
Another bonus of the annual trips: it turns into a nostalgic walk for my wife and me, as we take turns reminiscing about toys from our youth. (This year, I was pleased to be able to blurt out, "Barrel of Monkeys! Jenn - Barrel of Monkeys!")
It's usually a fun couple of hours to spend. Granted, the event itself is usually about four hours. But a couple of them are fun. I am sure the rest of the family would enjoy the entire time if I did not run out of shopping gas after hour two.
To make the lists, we hit the various hot spots. And "hot spot" is defined as "having toys." "Super hot spot" is defined as "having toys and Icees."
At one point, we were strolling through our journey when Parker and I had this conversation:
ME: So, if Santa were to put a gift card in your stocking, what store would you want it to be from?
PARKER: Hmmm...
ME: Any store, Parker. You name it...
PARKER: I guess a $300 gift card from Target.
Clearly, Parker believes Santa is firmly in the black this year.
ME: Parker, Santa isn't going to give you a $300 gift card.
PARKER: Fine. $200.
ME: I think we need to have a talk about money.
The big highlight of the trip for me came when we made our way to the Star Wars section. The brilliant marketing geniuses behind Star Wars toys have hit upon absolute gold. They have reintroduced a lot of the toys from when I was a kid, as sort of retro toys. So, as Parker is cruising through "Star Wars: Clone Wars" toys, I am showing my true geekiness by calling to my wife, "LUKE SKYWALKER IN BESPIN FATIGUES! HONEY! LUKE SKYWALKER! IN HIS BESPIN FATIGUES!"
By that point, my wife is about four aisles away, as she is trying to distance herself from me. Her 7-year-old screaming, "BOBA FETT HELMET!" Kinda cute. Her 38-year-old husband? Yeah, not as cute.
The brilliance of the marketing is in its simplicity. A host of 30-somethings grew up playing with these toys and, even as we have grown older, many of us still have a fondness for our Star Wars youth. Now we have kids and get to live vicariously through them. I, for one, am having my direct deposit changed so that part of my paycheck just goes directly to George Lucas. Let's just be honest about how this is going to play out and cut out the middle man.
Eventually, we managed to complete both the kids' lists, and I am pleased to see that both of my children have very expensive and comprehensive tastes. I haven't given it to her yet, but I hope to slip my list to my wife soon. What do you think the chances are I get a Barrel of Monkeys? I can play with them while I wear my Boba Fett helmet.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
High hives
If you find it enjoyable to have pain, discomfort, and a fairly certain belief that you have only days to live, I highly recommend hives.
I was fortunate enough to experience this, and most everyone I have come across who has shared the experience has the same reaction: shrieking back in horror and saying, "Oh, man..."
It started a few weeks ago. I was working in the yard, and the ring finger on my left knuckle began stinging and swelling up like crazy. I thought I had had a run-in with a wasp or ant, and chalked it up to battle wounds of a yard work warrior.
And then the next week, I was out with the family at an event and the same thing happened. I was barely able to get my wedding ring off as the finger swelled at the knuckle. Two Saturdays in a row, two animals bites, I concluded.
And then the next Saturday came along, and the same thing started happening, this time on a different finger. Pretty sure I was not just getting bitten every Saturday. Clearly, I was allergic to Saturdays with my family.
And then came Sunday morning. When I stepped out of bed, I noticed things felt a little weird, as the arches of my feet were touching the ground, whereas my toes and heels were, well, not. I don't know how your arches work, but mine normally work as, well, arches.
I also noticed that my sides had been essentially clawed apart during my sleep, where sleeping me decided to conquer the itching I was experiencing by peeling my skin off.
I weathered that day the best I could, with my most commonly uttered phrase being, "Yes, I will go to the doctor tomorrow." My wife is one of these types of people who believes medical issues should be addressed by competent medical professionals who have training and education. I agree that is a good alternative approach when my choice of medical care does not work. That choice, of course, is to pretend nothing is wrong and hope everything goes away on its own. The hardest part of this, of course, is keeping from my wife that something is wrong. And when you are walking around the house on the sides of your feet and constantly clawing at your side like a chimp that rolled in poison ivy, it's kinda tough to keep that under wraps.
My wife is very good at pre-diagnosis, and, along with the help of Dr. Google, had surmised that I had hives. When I had consulted with Dr. Google, I diagnosed myself with monkey pox, typhus, swimmer's ear and feline leukemia.
So I went to my dermatologist the next day, and she said that I did, in fact, have hives. (Although come to think of it, she never specifically ruled out swimmer's ear or feline leukemia.) She gave me some medicine that came with a warning that it may make me drowsy.
Hey, here's a fun fact: "May cause drowsiness" = "Mike's about to be in a coma!"
I slept for longer than I have slept in probably 20 years, and was pleased to wake up the next morning and have normal shaped feet. I also do not feel a need to ask people if they could locate a large metal garden rake with which to take off my skin.
Apparently, the cause of hives is often never determined. I haven't had changes in diet, chemicals I'm around, etc. It may just be one of these fluke things that happens. Hopefully, I can treat it and put it all behind me. Of course, if it continues to be a problem, we still haven't ruled out monkey pox.
I was fortunate enough to experience this, and most everyone I have come across who has shared the experience has the same reaction: shrieking back in horror and saying, "Oh, man..."
It started a few weeks ago. I was working in the yard, and the ring finger on my left knuckle began stinging and swelling up like crazy. I thought I had had a run-in with a wasp or ant, and chalked it up to battle wounds of a yard work warrior.
And then the next week, I was out with the family at an event and the same thing happened. I was barely able to get my wedding ring off as the finger swelled at the knuckle. Two Saturdays in a row, two animals bites, I concluded.
And then the next Saturday came along, and the same thing started happening, this time on a different finger. Pretty sure I was not just getting bitten every Saturday. Clearly, I was allergic to Saturdays with my family.
And then came Sunday morning. When I stepped out of bed, I noticed things felt a little weird, as the arches of my feet were touching the ground, whereas my toes and heels were, well, not. I don't know how your arches work, but mine normally work as, well, arches.
I also noticed that my sides had been essentially clawed apart during my sleep, where sleeping me decided to conquer the itching I was experiencing by peeling my skin off.
I weathered that day the best I could, with my most commonly uttered phrase being, "Yes, I will go to the doctor tomorrow." My wife is one of these types of people who believes medical issues should be addressed by competent medical professionals who have training and education. I agree that is a good alternative approach when my choice of medical care does not work. That choice, of course, is to pretend nothing is wrong and hope everything goes away on its own. The hardest part of this, of course, is keeping from my wife that something is wrong. And when you are walking around the house on the sides of your feet and constantly clawing at your side like a chimp that rolled in poison ivy, it's kinda tough to keep that under wraps.
My wife is very good at pre-diagnosis, and, along with the help of Dr. Google, had surmised that I had hives. When I had consulted with Dr. Google, I diagnosed myself with monkey pox, typhus, swimmer's ear and feline leukemia.
So I went to my dermatologist the next day, and she said that I did, in fact, have hives. (Although come to think of it, she never specifically ruled out swimmer's ear or feline leukemia.) She gave me some medicine that came with a warning that it may make me drowsy.
Hey, here's a fun fact: "May cause drowsiness" = "Mike's about to be in a coma!"
I slept for longer than I have slept in probably 20 years, and was pleased to wake up the next morning and have normal shaped feet. I also do not feel a need to ask people if they could locate a large metal garden rake with which to take off my skin.
Apparently, the cause of hives is often never determined. I haven't had changes in diet, chemicals I'm around, etc. It may just be one of these fluke things that happens. Hopefully, I can treat it and put it all behind me. Of course, if it continues to be a problem, we still haven't ruled out monkey pox.
Tree house security
It's like getting top secret clearance.
You don't just let someone waltz into the Pentagon or Fort Knox. You have strict guidelines on who can enter. You check their credentials. You check their background. And you certainly check their stick sharpening skills.
Yes, of all the secure areas that exist on this planet, there is not one domain that requires more scrutiny of those seeking access than ... a tree house.
One of my kids' friends is building a tree house, and only a select few can gain entry. I say that he is building the tree house, but it is actually his father, who is constructing a shelter that will be, let's just say, sturdy. Based on the gigantic posts of the infrastructure, I suggested to him that, should a tornado get near his house, he and his family might want to seek shelter in the tree house.
It's my parents' neighbor. I am fortunate to live near my folks and have the added bonus of having neighborhood kids around, just like when I was a kid. Seeing kids crawling over the fence to play with my kids in the same yard I did the exact same thing 30 years ago? Kinda awesome.
So Brian's tree house is under construction, and he told my kids that there will only be a select few allowed in the tree house, which, let's all be honest, is good tree house security management. And so, Brian created a survey that every potential tree house visitor must complete. Here is the survey. Go ahead, take it. See if you would be granted clearance.
QUESTION 1: Are you my friend?
A sensible question. No one wants non-friends bringing the tree house down.
QUESTION 2: Do you like to carve?
Apparently, there will be woodworking in the tree house.
QUESTION 3: Do you promise not to tell Brandon secrets?
Ah, a very important question, as Brandon is the older brother. Loyalty first.
QUESTION 4: Will you help me build my fort and put traps in?
A potential trick question. The easy answer is, "Sure, I'll help you build it." But don't gloss over the second part. Anyone who has ever had a tree house knows traps to keep out the unworthy is one of the most important parts of a tree house defense.
QUESTION 5: Not so much a question. It reads: You will keep secrets if you want to be a member.
Methinks just a reminder on your answer in Question 3.
QUESTION 6: Are you my friend and would you help me build a tree house?
A repeat question, you say? WRONG! Checking to make sure you were honest and consistent on Questions 1 and 4. Your guard was thrown off without the part about traps.
QUESTION 7: Will you sharpen sticks with me?
Probably part of the traps. Or catching tigers.
QUESTION 8: Can you lift 20 pounds?
My guess is this involves potential future candidates for the tree house, kind of a tree house fraternity rush.
QUESTION 9: Are you my friend, and do you live close to me?
Just checking once more to see if you are, in fact, a friend. And proximity matters. (We have an inquiry into the Grandma's House Waiver.)
QUESTION 10: Do you take vacations often?
Tree house security does not take breaks.
QUESTION 11: Are you allowed to hold knives at home?
If you say you will carve and make sharp sticks, and then answer no to this one, consider yourself busted as a fraud.
QUESTION 12: Do you know how to build tables?
With any good tree house, there will be a central meeting place where the great tree house minds can get together, round table style, and discuss issues such as sharp sticks and traps.
I think this is a good and solid security questionnaire for one of the most serious things a kid can protect. If you can't have solid allies in your tree house, what is the point of having it? I look forward to the tree house becoming a reality, and my kids spending lots of fun time in it. Assuming they get clearance.
You don't just let someone waltz into the Pentagon or Fort Knox. You have strict guidelines on who can enter. You check their credentials. You check their background. And you certainly check their stick sharpening skills.
Yes, of all the secure areas that exist on this planet, there is not one domain that requires more scrutiny of those seeking access than ... a tree house.
One of my kids' friends is building a tree house, and only a select few can gain entry. I say that he is building the tree house, but it is actually his father, who is constructing a shelter that will be, let's just say, sturdy. Based on the gigantic posts of the infrastructure, I suggested to him that, should a tornado get near his house, he and his family might want to seek shelter in the tree house.
It's my parents' neighbor. I am fortunate to live near my folks and have the added bonus of having neighborhood kids around, just like when I was a kid. Seeing kids crawling over the fence to play with my kids in the same yard I did the exact same thing 30 years ago? Kinda awesome.
So Brian's tree house is under construction, and he told my kids that there will only be a select few allowed in the tree house, which, let's all be honest, is good tree house security management. And so, Brian created a survey that every potential tree house visitor must complete. Here is the survey. Go ahead, take it. See if you would be granted clearance.
QUESTION 1: Are you my friend?
A sensible question. No one wants non-friends bringing the tree house down.
QUESTION 2: Do you like to carve?
Apparently, there will be woodworking in the tree house.
QUESTION 3: Do you promise not to tell Brandon secrets?
Ah, a very important question, as Brandon is the older brother. Loyalty first.
QUESTION 4: Will you help me build my fort and put traps in?
A potential trick question. The easy answer is, "Sure, I'll help you build it." But don't gloss over the second part. Anyone who has ever had a tree house knows traps to keep out the unworthy is one of the most important parts of a tree house defense.
QUESTION 5: Not so much a question. It reads: You will keep secrets if you want to be a member.
Methinks just a reminder on your answer in Question 3.
QUESTION 6: Are you my friend and would you help me build a tree house?
A repeat question, you say? WRONG! Checking to make sure you were honest and consistent on Questions 1 and 4. Your guard was thrown off without the part about traps.
QUESTION 7: Will you sharpen sticks with me?
Probably part of the traps. Or catching tigers.
QUESTION 8: Can you lift 20 pounds?
My guess is this involves potential future candidates for the tree house, kind of a tree house fraternity rush.
QUESTION 9: Are you my friend, and do you live close to me?
Just checking once more to see if you are, in fact, a friend. And proximity matters. (We have an inquiry into the Grandma's House Waiver.)
QUESTION 10: Do you take vacations often?
Tree house security does not take breaks.
QUESTION 11: Are you allowed to hold knives at home?
If you say you will carve and make sharp sticks, and then answer no to this one, consider yourself busted as a fraud.
QUESTION 12: Do you know how to build tables?
With any good tree house, there will be a central meeting place where the great tree house minds can get together, round table style, and discuss issues such as sharp sticks and traps.
I think this is a good and solid security questionnaire for one of the most serious things a kid can protect. If you can't have solid allies in your tree house, what is the point of having it? I look forward to the tree house becoming a reality, and my kids spending lots of fun time in it. Assuming they get clearance.
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