Beach bash

Two hours before the wedding, I started to wonder how good of an idea this was.
Parker and Allie were set to be the ring bearer and flower girl on the beach, and we were there for pictures. It seemed simple enough: Show up at the beach, take some pictures, and then wait around for a while until the wedding began.
Allie was decked out in a smart little white dress, while Parker would match the groomsmen — khakis and white button-down shirt. My wife tasked me with a simple mission: Keep them clean.
The wedding was to be a small affair. Our friend Missy, who had technically been the kids’ baby-sitter but had become part of the family, wanted the kids to be part of her wedding. The kids were ecstatic, and had been practicing for weeks prior to the day. My wife and I kept our fingers crossed that their extensive practice would translate into a few minutes of good behavior for the wedding. It got off to a rocky start.
When we arrived, the groom, his family and the groomsmen were there. The kids were thrilled to see Adam, and immediately figured, “Hey, let’s play!!!”
Adam was your typical groom — somewhat distracted a couple of hours before he gets married. I, for one, was the same way. In fact, at my wedding, the coordinator came to a room at the church we were getting married and scolded us for not being in the sanctuary on time. I countered that anyone who wanted us to be on time should not have put us in a room with a pool table.
I think Adam somewhat welcomed the distraction, because he let the kids drag him around the boardwalk and show him such things as the two dead fish they found.
After a few minutes, it was time for the groomsmen to take pictures. It was there we found a curious part of human nature: Most people have no regard for other people. When there are five guys all dressed alike and a photographer lining up to take their pictures, maybe – just maybe — this is a signature event in life, and they don’t want a fat, hairy guy in a Speedo in the background. This, apparently, does not occur to most fat, hairy guys in Speedos, who see nothing wrong with leisurely strolling into the picture, despite the fact that there is an entire beach in which he could roam.
Parker was in a few pictures, which was enough to keep him fairly occupied. Then came the downtime. Combine downtime and a beach and a 3-year-old, and you can pretty much guess what happened next.
First came the digging. Then came the sand kicking. Then came the rolling. Parker was quickly a sand-coated ringbearer, and thought this was far better than any other attire he could have. His mother, however, disagreed. And she made this clear by saying. “MICHAEL!!!!”
That was all she had to say. She can say, “MICHAEL!!!!” about 42 different ways, and each tone means a different thing. This one meant, “Get your son, get him out of the sand, or I will hold you accountable.”
I went to get Parker, who realized he had MILES of sand to play in. I know I am faster than my son. I also know that breaking into a dead sprint after him might draw some eyes, so I opted for that parent speed walk that you do, trying to convey your message that, if I do in fact have to run, it will be bad news.
Parker saw this as a challenge. The beach decided to lend an assistance and tripped him up. A brief struggle ensued with Parker proclaiming to everyone that he was going to PLAAAAAAYYYYYYY. I am fairly sure Castro heard his cries. I finally got him off the beach (where I found several folks had enjoyed the chase), and tried to get him settled. Allie, fortunately, is at the age where, when you dress her up nicely, she will sit quietly and make sure she doesn’t get dirty. I don’t think boys reach that age.
We made a couple more trips down to the beach, each time ending the same way. (Yes, I should have learned my lesson.) When the wedding approached, my wife and I strategized on how we would handle Parker’s inevitable collapse during the wedding. Shortly before the wedding began, Missy called Allie and Parker over to tell them what they would be doing. I don’t know what she said, but I can only guess that both kids sensed a bride on her wedding day was no one to trifle with. When game time arrived, they were golden. Parker stood at Adam’s side and resisted the urge to dig, kick, etc. I highly recommend you hire Missy out for pep talks to ringbearers prior to weddings.
The wedding itself was a beautiful affair, with the Gulf of Mexico serving as a picturesque backdrop to the beginning of a new life for a couple. I was pleased with the ways the kids performed, even if it was a little touch and go early on. Perhaps we were being a little overly concerned. I mean, you put a kid on a beach and he’s gonna dig, right? In the end, it all worked out, and years from now, they will flip through their wedding album, fondly reminiscing, when they pause and say, “Who’s the fat, hairy guy in the Speedo?”

Contrary to popular opinion

I feel confident that those gathered were in two distinct camps: Those who thought a father was abandoning his young son and those with children.
It all started last weekend, when my wife and daughter skipped town. (Day at the track or whiskey run. Can’t really recall.) Anyhow, The Dude and I would be batching it for the weekend, which meant it was time for us just to hang out. It was the first time in about a year that just the two of us had the run of the house. One morning, we decided it would be a cool thing to head out to Hopelands Gardens and feed the ducks. At least, that was my suggestion to Parker. Parker is a major league contrarian right now, so he firmly stated that we were NOT going to feed the ducks, but rather the fish and turtles. Very well, I thought. You take it up with the ducks when they eat your turtle/fish food.
As anyone who has (or has had) a 3-year-old knows, you get to this point where whatever you say, he will say the opposite. We have these sorts of riveting conversations:

ME: Parker, do you want oatmeal?
PARKER: No. Dog.
ME: You want a dog for breakfast?
PARKER: Yes.
ME: We don’t eat dogs.
PARKER: YES WE DOOOOOOO!!!!!!

When he can’t convince you that we do, in fact, eat dogs for breakfast, he launches into the Why? campaign.
ME: Parker, you know we have oatmeal for breakfast.
PARKER: Why?
ME: Because that’s what we bought.
PARKER: Why?
ME: Because that’s what you picked out at the grocery store.
PARKER: Why?
ME: Because … you decided on that.
PARKER: Why?
ME: I HAVE NO CLUE!!! Eat your oatmeal!!!
PARKER: Why?
ME: Because you’ll starve otherwise.
PARKER: Why?
Eventually, you just start giving nonsensical answers to distract/confuse him long enough to get through breakfast.
ME: Come on, man. Eat.
PARKER: Why?
ME: Because, last time there was a meteor shower, two tigers were found with oatmeal, and that means you have to eat it or you can’t go to the zoo again.
PARKER: Uh….
So we headed out to the pond (stuffed fully with oatmeal), bag of bread in hand. It’s always entertaining to me when kids feed animals at ponds. For one thing, they take it very personally if a turtle opts not to eat the bread offered up, as though it is somehow a personal affront to the child. “Daddy - he won’t take it!!!!” Apparently, as a father, my role is to wade into the water and force a turtle to eat bread.
So after about an hour and a loaf of bread, I decided it was time to head home. We made our way back to the car, and about halfway there, Parker decided that, in fact, it was NOT time to go home. He stopped dead in his tracks, digging his feet into the ground and producing the kind of resistance normally reserved for one of those pickup truck commercials that shows you its towing moxie. He made it clear that he needed to see the ducks again.
At that point is when I made my pronouncement. “Fine. Go see the ducks. I’m going home.”
After about two steps toward the car, Parker screamed at the top of his lungs, “DADDY DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!!” and began sprinting my way.
Now, you nonparents out there (and in particular those at Hopelands that day), surely thought I was the worst parent on the planet, preying on my child’s fears of abandonment. You, however, would be wrong.
I was simply engaged in a game of behavioral chess with my son. He knows I am not going to leave him. He was making his stubborn show, and I was countering with the checkmate parenting move of calling his bluff. Had he turned and made a beeline to the ducks, yes, I would have retrieved him. But when it comes down to a showdown of stubbornness, son, let me tell you - I’ve seen stubborn, and you’ve only scratched the surface.
He fussed for a minute, but after I got him in the car, he knew he had been bested. It’s hard to be 3 at times, so as a parent I have to know how to handle situations like this. Once he calmed down, I praised him for getting himself composed. “You’re doing great, son,” I told him. “In fact, so great, it’s time for lunch. How about dog?”

Talking 'bout my generation

I want the 80s back.
I’m not trying to be one of those people. You know, the ones who bark that their generation is the only generation to make a lick of difference in the world. Sure, plenty of generations did, in fact, make a big difference in the world. But it wasn’t me and my fellow children of the 80s. While teens of other generations fought wars, led cultural revolutions, or were the poster children for modern medical breakthroughs, me and my fellow 80s kids, well, wore bad clothes and listened to bad music. Change was not our strong suit. Bad taste was.
So I apologize in advance if I am overreacting the recent surge in popularity of “80s parties.” For those of you not familiar with them, it’s when people get together, wear clothes reminiscent of the 1980s, maybe throw in “Breakfast Club” and crank up some Men at Work or Spandau Ballet. Seems harmless enough, right?
Wrong. You see, for those of from the 80s, all we have is our memories. We don’t have lasting cultural change. The big sweeping impacts that were courtesy of the 80s came from adults. (Specifically, I credit/blame the adults for cocaine, AIDS and Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker.) The fact that one of the lasting footprints from our generation is the Rubik’s cube can tell you we weren’t exactly upending the world.
The 80s were my formative years. In 1984, my sisters went to see Duran Duran, Men at Work, Culture Club and Hall & Oates in concert. (My parents were cruel, so I had to hang out with my dad outside of the concert, and wait until the ticket takers were no longer caring. I saw the end of some great concerts.) For you young folks who love 80s bashes now, you might think that’s just absolutely retro to see those bands. For those of you older than I, you are wondering what in the world a Duran Duran is. Well, excuse me for not having the Beatles or Elvis during my youth. We played the cards we were dealt, and those cards included Soft Cell and a-ha.
Again, I know you are wondering why it would bother me that someone would latch on to my generation. And the reasoning is simple -- because despite our quaintness, we were a historically lame generation. The 1960s and 1970s have always been popular retro decades, and the people from those generations are certainly secure enough in their place in cultural character not to care if you go wear bell bottoms. But for crying out loud, these people made it into the history books, while we made it into “The Wedding Singer.”
I guess I just don’t see why our 1980s and our “Weird Science” attachments have to be shared. You’ve got your own decade. Were the 90s so bad that you have to revert to Jams, Members Only and white Topsiders?
When you delve a little deeper into my unfortunate psyche, I think you will find another reason that I am a little territorial when it comes to the 80s is my resemblance to one of the more recognizable faces of the 1980s to my generation, Anthony Michael Hall. While I may not look a lot like him now, my high school yearbook photo could have been a publicity still from “Sixteen Candles.” I was Farmer Ted. (Note to those of you who have not seen “Sixteen Candles”: Farmer Ted was the character played by Hall, and is listed in the credits simply as “The Geek.”) Sadly, when I say I was Farmer Ted, I mean I WAS Farmer Ted. I had a shirt in high school with it on the back. There was no escaping it. I was..The Geek.
So all I am saying is give us back our little slice of nonhistory. We tried to make a major impact on the world, but we were too stinking busy buying Swatches and watching little kids get pulled out of wells. We didn’t bring a lot of important change to the world, and for that, we’re sorry. All we did is produce bad music, garish clothing and the occasional good sports highlight (here I am thinking The Catch).
I am sure the 1990s had plenty of things you can latch on to. Heck, my youth spilled over into the 90s, and so I know there are plenty of things as cultural insignificant as the 80s to latch onto. Look hard. You can find them. Make them yours. You’ll be proud that you did. Andthen protect it from those kids of the 00s.

Spark an interest

I figure it is just a matter of time until I am called to head up a pit crew for a NASCAR team.
The reason for this, of course, is that my legendary mechanic skills have probably already reached the highest levels of auto repair, after my heroic triumph as a mechanic.
Granted, some of the naysayers out there say what I did was not car repair, but rather maintenance. To which I say: Pshaw. I changed out three – THREE – of my car’s spark plugs. That, my friend, is as complicated as it gets.
OK, it’s as complicated as I get. I don’t do car repairs. I have the folks at the auto store change out my wiper blades. I have no idea how oil gets changed. I am not even sure if I have a tire gauge.
Recently, my neighbor said that my car needed new spark plugs. I, of course, assumed this was a joke. I laughed, slapped him on the back and said, “Spark plugs. Good one.”
Apparently, spark plugs are in fact part of a car, and apparently a critical part. He said that changing spark plugs was easy, and that if I picked up four at the store, we could do it in no time.
I am not sure why, but I decided to comply. I went the auto parts store, and recalled the numerous times I have sounded like a complete moron asking for something. So I decided to lay it all out for the guy behind the counter. “Hi, I know nothing about cars, but my neighbor said I need four spark plugs.” The guy stared at me with a rather sad look. I think he felt sorry for me, and certainly for my children.
When I got back to the house, my neighbor was ready to tackle the problem. He brought over a tool chest that weighed slightly less than Buick. And in the chest were about 400,000 socket attachments. He fiddled with piece after piece until he found the exact perfect combination. I think he may have been bluffing, because all of the pieces looked the same to me.
After we popped the hood, he gave me a basic primer on what we would be doing. He popped a cap off of the first one, slipped the socket down into the cylinder, and, after a few turns, pulled out a spark plug. Easy as that. I decided I would contribute by opening a beer.
Turns out, I would have more responsibility than that. “Here,” my neighbor said, handing me the socket. My first inclination was to set in back in the tool chest, because I could think of no other reason he would hand it to me. Apparently, I was supposed to take it from there.
So I just decided to follow his lead. I popped off the cap and slid the socket down in the cylinder. As I was about to loosen the spark plug, my neighbor said, “Be gentle. You don’t want to break it.” He told me it would be “bad.”
At this point, I felt like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters, “fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.”
If you recall, in Ghostbusters, “bad” was defined thusly: “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.”
While I don’t think we were going to that extreme, it would certainly involve WAY more than me, a neighbor, a socket set and some beer. The main tool needed to repair that would be a checkbook.
So I was gentle. Very gentle. Like I was holding a duckling gentle. And, I am pleased to say, I did not break anything. The spark plugs came right out, and the new ones went right in. After the fourth one was installed, I was so pleased with myself I hopped in the car and cranked it. To my somewhat amazement, it cranked right up. I got out of the car to share a testosterone moment when my neighbor said, “Hey, one thing – generally, when you have a four cylinder, you want all four to work.” The little cap thing that goes over the spark plugs is, apparently, also critical. Or at least advised.
And while some of you may still say that what I did was mere maintenance, I maintain that, when you sum up my entire history of working on cars, this is by far the most extensive thing I have done under the hood, thereby qualifying it as repair. It was a learning experience, and I am glad I took part in it. Next time, I know exactly what I’ll do. I’ll see if they can change them at the auto parts store.

Sing a song

I can’t sing. Well, I can sing, but you don’t want to hear it. When I was in high school, for our senior class play, I had the role of someone who was supposed to sing off key. That aspect was removed from the play. I apparently even sing off key wrong. That is how bad I am.
So I pretty much don’t sing, unless I am by myself in the car and there is a chance for me to make a fool of myself at the stop light. Generally, it will be one of those moments where I think I’m all alone, and SURELY no one will actually see me singing along to the Huey Lewis/Gwyneth Paltrow remake of “Cruisin” when just as I horribly croon “ I love it when we’re cruisin’ together” I look over and see that the car next to me is filled with ex-girlfriends, high school crushes, former coaches, etc. And before you criticize me for that particular song, I guarantee each and every one of you has your guilty pleasure song. Sure, you may be super cool and hip and keep the latest cool bands in your CD case, but you just know as soon as, say, The Monkees “Daydream Believer” comes on, you suddenly turn into the Karaoke Kid, so don’t you judge me.
I even avoid singing in church. I used to do this low, humming lip sync that my wife informed me was even more annoying than bad singing. I’ve heard before that there is no such thing as bad singing in church. I beg to differ, as does anyone who has ever sat near me.
But my inability to sing well makes it all the more strange that my daughter is a nonstop singer. Loves it. It sounds great to me, but of course, with parents, everything their children do is adorable and perfect:
PROUD PARENT: Awwww!!! Look what little Suzie did!!!
EVERYONE: Ewwww.
But there she goes, singing along. She wakes up in the morning, and we hear her singing. She goes to have breakfast, she sings. She gets dressed ... well, you get the trend. It is all singing, all the time for her.
She also uses singing as a bit of a calming mechanism. The more stressed or scared she gets, the louder the singing gets. For example, we took her little brother to the doctor for shots. He was not pleased with this, and decided to engage the nurse in hand-to-hand combat. Allie’s response? Sing a VERY loud song that she made up on the spot. She just stared ahead, belting out some song about a princess. I can imagine her getting pulled over for speeding in 20 years.
COP: License and registration, ma’am.
ALLIE: POLLY WOLLY DOODLE ALL THE DAY!!!
COP: Pardon?
ALLIE: MY GAL SAL, SHE’S A SPUNKY GAL!!!
COP: OK, step out of the car.
My wife and I pretty much just let her go wild with the singing. It’s obviously something that she really loves, and with things like that, if it makes them happy, let them go. True, that cannot be an overriding philosophy for children. There are a lot of things that would make my children happy that they are not going to get. I am sure they would love cookies for dinner and a 10 p.m. bedtime, but that ain’t happening. At least not unless their mother goes out of town.
Allie doesn’t care where she is when she’s singing, but we do try and temper it somewhat when we’re out in public. And it’s a delicate balancing act to explain to her that the song she is singing is very nice, but that maybe not EVERYONE at the restaurant wants to hear “Over the Rainbow.” Of course, she will then look at us with this confused look. “Why would you NOT want to hear ‘Over the Rainbow’?” At that point, I excuse myself to the restroom and let my wife handle it.
Hopefully, she will continue to enjoy singing. It seems to relax her, and she certainly gets into it. Not very often you find things in life that bring that double dose to you. I have decided that my role in song is to be a fan of my daughter’s. I don’t think there will be any duets with Dad in her future. I guess I’m just no Huey Lewis. But really, who is?

Sounds cool to me

Every year, when it comes time to renew our home warranty, my wife and I have the same conversation:
ME: Should we renew our home warranty?
HER: Have you suddenly learned how to fix things?
So we always renew. Some people scoff at the home warranty notion, saying you never get your money’s worth out of it. More than likely, if I were to add up the cost of annual home warranties that I have paid, it would be WAY more than the replacements and repairs I have had done. That said, the amount I have paid in home warranties, I can only guess, is WAY less than the damage I would have caused had I tried to fix it myself.
A few years ago, our hot water heater developed a leak. For the price of a service fee, some people came out, took away the old one, and replaced it with a brand spanking new one. Without the home warranty, there is a good chance that I might have discovered the problem when my wife was not around, and I might have tried to repair it myself, which would have probably resulted in, at minimum, the collapse of the house. So in some ways, a home warranty for me is not just insurance, but a guarantee that I will behave.
Of course, there are the times when the home warranty repair guy comes out and performs a repair that is so simple, I am pretty sure I could have turned it over to my 3-year-old to solve. In these instances, the repairman usually looks at the situation, then looks at me as if he is on some hidden camera show, because there is NO WAY someone would call for a repairmen to fix the problem at hand. (“It’s not a leak. That’s the faucet. Turn this handle and the water stops.”)
That was somewhat the case with our latest home warranty call. For several weeks, we had a terrible knocking in our wall, right by our bedroom. Something in the air conditioning unit would start this terrible clanging, like someone was trying to crawl up the ducts. While they swung hammers. It was less than pleasant.
I called the home warranty folks and told them I need to place a service call. She asked what the problem was, and I said, “My children can’t sleep through the night.” There was a pause on her end, possibly as she contemplated career choices. We then had this conversation:
ME: See, there’s this knocking sound, I think associated with the air conditioner, and it wakes everyone up at night.
HER: Is the unit cooling the house?
ME: Yes, but it knocks.
HER: But it IS cooling the house, right?
ME: Not the point.
HER: Sir, is the unit cooling the house?
ME: If I answer yes, will you still come here and fix it?
HER: sigh.
Eventually, she managed to convince me that she was just getting as much information as possible to relay to the company. The repairman came when I was at work, so my wife handled it. She told him about the noise, and they proceeded to wait for about two hours to hear the noise. The A/C knew they were there, and remained silent. They’re sneaky like that.
Eventually, he went up in the attic and poked around for a few minutes. Turns out, there are three lines that feed from the attic unit down through the duct work. One had gotten some slack in the line, and when the A/C kicked on, this line was flailing back and forth, clanging the inside of the duct-work. He told my wife that I could fix it “with just a flashlight.” Yeah, me in a dark attic armed with a flashlight, trying to fix my air conditioner. No potential hazard there.
We haven’t heard the noise in a while, which has been nice. At one point, I told my wife that I was a little bummed that we had spent good money to have someone come cinch up the slack on a hose. She quickly put my mind at ease: “Oh, honey - you wouldn’t have had a clue what you were looking for up there.” Hopefully the problem is solved for good. If the noise starts again, I know exactly what I’ll do: I’ll get my wife a flashlight. I sure won’t know what to do.

Old Man Montgomery

I guess I just have to accept that he’s getting to be an old man. Or, dog, as it were.

Montgomery has been my faithful pal since 1993, when I got him from an SPCA in college in Tuscaloosa, Ala. He was four weeks old, and had gotten the rather unloving start of being left at the shelter door taped in a cardboard box. He had rickets, where his little legs looked like they were bending when he ran. He had worms. Someone had tried to trim his ears in a ragingly inhumane way, so he’s got, to this day, this scalloped trim around them. He was, for lack of a better term, a wreck.

But my purebred Alabama Dumpster Hound had something about him that made him the perfect dog. He just had that look. When I went into the room with the dogs that day, all of the dogs did their usual thing where they run to the front of the cage and bark and yap. Montgomery, though, sat at the back of his cage, and just cut a glance over at me, as if to say, “I’m four weeks old and I’ve been through this. What more can you do?”

Montgomery first lived in the fraternity house, and was always available to loan out to friends in need of a prop on the Quad to strike up a conversation. When I moved to Orlando right after college, Montgomery was my roommate. He was always there when I got home from work, and every night had a delicious dinner waiting on me. Or he had eaten the couch cushions. One of those. I can’t really remember.

While once a ball of energy who could never sit still, Montgomery has slowed down of late. And he shares his grumpiness whenever he can. He barks. A lot. At nothing. He will stand in the yard and just bark. And bark. And bark. We try to keep an ear out for when he starts barking so we can bring him inside, which, of course, means he immediately settles and calms down.

HA! Of course that doesn’t happen. Montgomery merely comes inside and barks more, and louder. Sometimes, I am fairly sure he has my daughter’s toy microphone.

Rarely a night goes by where I don’t make two or three trips downstairs to assure Montgomery that there is nothing to bark at, which he responds by barking at me. I will reach my hand down and soothe him, and he will reassuringly bark at me.

Don’t get me wrong. He’s not barking like he’s going to bite or anything. He just points his head up and barks. And barks.

And then sometimes he barks at Maggie, our Basset hound. Maggie will be lying down, just being a Basset hound, and Montgomery will stand over her and bark. And bark. And bark. And Maggie will have this look on her face that says, “Seriously, I’m just trying to be a Basset Hound here. Knock it off.”

The other night, Montgomery was barking up a storm about 3 a.m. I was well into a good night sleep. And when I get into a good sleep, you can pretty much go ahead and perform open heart surgery on me, because I’m not waking up. My wife tried to wake me to get him to be quiet. After several nudges, pushes, and, I’m guessing, eye pokes, she said I sat up and said, “Just go tell him you’re a Bama fan.” I have no idea what that means or how that was supposed to make him stop barking, but it still strikes me as funny. (Eventually, she put Maggie in another room, and Montgomery went to sleep.)

Even as he turns into a grumpy old man, he still shows occasional signs of being the spry dog I have always known. He used to be an ace Frisbee-catcher, and has always loved fetching tennis balls. Even if he’s having one of those slow-to-get-up days, he still will go nuts if you throw a tennis ball. He will fetch it with the most fervor he can, and bring it back to you so incredibly happy that he has just simply brought you a ball. As my brother-in-law once said: “Montgomery just wants to be Mike’s dog.”

And that’s what he is. He’s my dog. He has always been there to make me happy. Bad day at work? Montgomery’s happy to see me. Car trouble? Montgomery’s happy to see me. Accidentally put a co-worker in intensive care with the unfortunate “exploding desk” prank? Montgomery’s happy to see me. And I have tried my level best to reciprocate that. Sure, he may be getting old and crotchety now, but you know what? I’ve probably been pretty grumpy about silly things over the years (Note from Mike’s wife: You think?), and Montgomery always greeted me the same way: just happy to see me.

In 1993, I had been dating someone for about three weeks when she accompanied me to the shelter to pick out a dog. We walked out of there with Montgomery. She and I have now been married for eight years. He’s her dog, too. And we both agree. He can be a grumpy old man. He’s earned it.

Zoo do you love

A couple of Saturdays ago, my wife and I were having breakfast when I asked her what she wanted to do today. She thought for a moment, and then said, “How about we go to the zoo?”
She knew this was a long shot, because I am about as spontaneous as a glacier. My idea of a rousing, impromptu good time is deciding to sit on a different couch to fall asleep on while watching the baseball game. Yes, I know — lucky her.
And she also knew it was a long shot because my Saturdays are usually my only time to do stuff around the house. I actually enjoy doing yard work and stuff, and feel a great sense of accomplishment when it’s done, so that’s kind of something I look forward to.
Both of those reasons tell you exactly why I was very surprised to hear myself say, “OK. Let’s do it.” Kinda sad that my wife actually gets a surprised look on her face when I agree to go to the zoo. Perhaps my spontaneity is in need of some revival.
Truth of the matter is, I love the zoo. Just love it. Even the nasty smells. Just something cool about seeing all of the animals. And the kids love it, too, so we always have a good time when we go.
The first animal we saw upon entering the zoo was a baboon. And, I am sure, you can guess the first thing my children wanted to know about it. “Diaper rash,” my wife said dismissively. I, of course, am not going to allow my children to be fed such nonsense, and explained to them that if you tell a lie, disobey your parents, or date before you are 25, that’s what happens to you. Education is key.
Next up were the tigers, which started as a big thrill, but ended in a bit of a disappointment for Parker who found it woefully discourteous of a tiger not to roar back. Of course, I am sure the tigers were sitting there saying, “Wow. A roar. How original. Hey, why don’t you come a little closer and let me hear it. Don’t worry about me. Just a lazy, ol’ tail-swatting tiger...”
One of the cooler things at the zoo is the lorikeet room, a big cage you can enter and have colorful birds land on you. You get these little paper cups of nectar, and the birds will come up and drink while perched on you. My wife decided that she would let me take the kids into the room, and she would stand as far as possible from the cage. In case you can’t tell, she doesn’t like birds. At least not on her.
So the kids were a little jumpy at first, as the birds flew around and hopped here and there. One landed on a nearby fence, and I saw this as a great time to let the little guy land on my hand and sip some nectar. He, however, saw this as a time to bite my finger, causing me to let out this muffled grunt of pain, trying my best not to let my kids know that I was trying to get them close up to a feathered finger vise. Allie proved to be the sensible one of the three of us and set her nectar cup down for the bird. Good move.
Next up was the penguin house, which is always cool to see. By the way, if you go to www.riverbanks.com, you can watch the penguin-cam. As I type this, a zoo worker in a yellow suit is pressure washing the rocks while the penguins waddle along around the worker. Undoubtedly, they are saying, “Where’s the fish? Where’s the fish? Seriously. Where’s the fish?”
Of course, one of the biggest hits of the zoo trip is the gorilla house. Invariably, one of the gorillas will be sitting near the big viewing window, and it is certainly fascinating to watch. Another thing I find very interesting in primate behavior is the need for some of the older ones to have complete and total disregard for the smaller ones. In particular, I am most fascinated by the big, lumbering primates on our side of the glass, who see no reason why they should stand behind a 5-year-old to view a gorilla. I am taller than the average person, and certainly taller than any of the children in the mix, so I make an effort to get out of the way of the little ones — or even the littler-than-me ones. Guess what — if you’re taller than someone and stand behind them, you can still see! Brilliant! But every time, there will be some big dolt pressed up against the glass, with the kids trying to peer around him to see something. I think that is why the gorilla often turns its back to us. It refuses to acknowledge our kind.
In all, the trip was a great success, as evidenced by the fact that Parker fell asleep before we were out of the parking lot. My wife was thrilled that I was willing to be spontaneous, even if it was something as plain-Jane as going to the zoo. Who knows — maybe this is a start of something new for me. Maybe I will be the most spontaneous person around from now on. Maybe next weekend — I nap upstairs during the game.

I saw(ed) it

As we have well established, I am a problem solver.
Take for example, the time I got stuck on the roof. Or the time I nearly electrocuted myself trying to change a light bulb. Or the time I ended up upside down behind my dryer.
OK, I’m not a problem solver. When problems present themselves, I am generally the first person you can call if you want the problem to be accelerated into a full blown crisis. So imagine my surprise when my wife called me the other day to enlist my support in solving a problem.
Normally, when problems present themselves at home, my wife surveys the situation, comes up with a solution, and solves it, usually in the matter of about four minutes. She’s good like that. And she usually does all of this without telling me, because she’s afraid I will try and help, and that will only make things far, far worse.
But this time, she called me because it was a problem that had presented itself before, and I had actually solved it with minimal damage to our home.
When my wife called, I could tell it was one of those moments where she was not interested in solving any problems, and was quite possibly considering dropping the kids off at work with me and heading to the islands for four for five years. The phone call went like this:
ME: Hey, how’s it going?
HER: The pantry is – PARKER GET OFF OF THE TABLE – stuck shut and – ALLIE, DO NOT HELP YOUR BROTHER OFF THE TABLE -- I can’t get it open – PARKER, THAT IS DOG FOOD!!! – the easel is stuck again. – ALLIE, THAT IS DOG FOOD!!!
Ain’t summer grand!
Fortunately, I knew exactly what she was talking about. We have this plastic easel that the kids use to draw on when the walls are fully saturated with their art work. For some ill-conceived reason, we continue to store it in our pantry, and on occasion it will fall against the door and block us from entry.
In the past, I have been able to open the door enough to wiggle the easel out of the way and get the door open. This time, it had decided to get wedged in nice and firm where there would be no wiggling.
I know what you’re thinking: Why continue to store the easel there? Look, when you’re spending time convincing your daughter that getting her little brother to eat dog food is a bad idea, easel storage is WAY down on your list.
Being the super awesome husband I am, I assured my wife that it would be OK, and that I would solve it when I got home. My wife said something under her breath that I am fairly sure I am glad I didn’t hear.
When I got home, I went to work. As with any problem of this nature, the first thing to do is use brute strength and stern words. After nearly dislocating my shoulder, I concurred that my wife was correct in her assessment that it was, in fact, jammed in there pretty good.
The last time this happened, I was able to use a yard stick and slide it up under the door to dislodge the easel. My wife told me she had tried that, but I was fairly certain she had not REALLY tried it, otherwise the easel would be free, right?
About the moment the yardstick snapped in half, I heard the voice of my daughter, standing about six feet away, commenting on how I “broke Mommy’s ruler.” Thanks for the play-by-play, Vin Scully, How about you go watch the Disney Channel while Daddy solves problems?
The problem, as I could see it, was that a yardstick wasn’t quite sturdy enough to dislodge the easel this time. Being a guy’s guy, I went to my garage to retrieve the perfect tool. Let’s just say that, as far as tool guys go, I’m WAY down on the totem pole, since my first two choices were a license plate and a shish kebob. Neither worked quite well, as I am sure you are shocked. Neither of these conventional tools were long enough or sturdy enough to get some leverage on the easel and knock it free. Then I spied a handsaw. Perfect, I thought. My wife’s at the store, making this possibly ill-conceived plan even MORE perfect, I thought.
Sure enough, I was able to squeeze the saw through the crack in the door and lift the easel out of the way. And it only took out about half of the items in the pantry when it came crashing down. But it was open, even if the door frame was a little, um, sawed and such.
When my wife got home, she was pleased to see that it was free. Not so pleased about the door frame. But I managed to keep her focused on the important issues, and knew a simple way to get her mind off the scratched up door frame. I started to eat some dog food.

A heart day's night

The last time it happened was December 2000, but it stuck with me enough to know exactly what was going on.
I motioned my wife over to me. "Listen," I said, pointing at my chest.
She, too, remembered. “It’s gurgling. We need to go.”
The gurgling she referred to was my ticker, which had just gone into what is known as atrial fibrillation, an incredibly annoying condition in which your heart beats all goofy, and it feels like there is a squirrel trying to escape from your chest.
Well, I say that it’s annoying, but I suppose other words could be used, since, left untreated, it can lead to stroke, which most would categorize as slightly beyond a simple annoyance.
I told my wife that I wanted to give it a little bit of time to see if it would get in line on its own. She did not think this was a wise course of action. I reminded her that the last time it happened, I waited all day, and even drove myself to the emergency room, so I would appreciate it if she would describe the decision as “less dumb than less last time.”
After a few hours, my heartbeat was way too irregular for my liking, so I conceded it was time to go.
When we walked into the emergency room, I could not believe my eyes ¬-- total number of people in the waiting room: zero. I have never seen a bored triage unit in my life.
I walked in and said, “Hi, I’m in atrial fibrillation, and I’d like not to be.” Certainly no doubt in their mind why I was there.
When I got to the back, I was hooked up to a machine and, indeed, very clearly in a-fib. My heart pattern on the computer looked as though my 3-year-old had drawn it.
The first course of action was an IV-drip of the medicine that was used last time. In 2000, I had been admitted to the cardio ward, and spent the night in the hospital. From the get-go, I made it very clear that I would appreciate it if they knocked this out, unplugged me and let me go, thus avoiding the whole admitted thing. “I am not a captive,” I told my nurse.
“Well, when you check into ER with a heart condition, you’re my captive,” she said.
The first dose of medicine slowed my heart rate down some, but it was still irregular. Apparently, an irregular heartbeat makes for great television, because I had a steady stream of people stopping in to check out my monitor. Eventually, I stopped watching, because it’s awful trying to figure out what it means when someone raises their eyebrows and says, “Hmmmmm.”
A second round of medicine was administered to try and get the heartbeat regular. After about 15 minutes, it was clear that it was not going to work. By this time, the cardiologist had come in, and it sounded an awful lot like he was planning on admitting me for the night. He told me we could try one more dose of medicine, and, as a last resort before admitting, he said, “We can shock you.”
Getting shocked, it turns out, would be exactly what I thought it would be. They would sedate me and stick two paddles on my chest, and shoot me full of electricity, supposedly getting my heart back on a normal rhythm. I asked him if it would be like on TV. He told me that I would jump a little -- and maybe get a couple of burn marks on my chest -- but that I wouldn’t flop off the bed like on TV. Bummer.
Much to my wife’s surprise, I told him that, if the last round of medicine didn’t work -- shock away. (In 2000, when the idea of shocking was presented, I was only calmed with the help of our good friends in the pharmaceutical industry.) But for some reason, I was ready to rock. Let’s do it.
The doctor said he would give the medicine 15 minutes to work, and then it was shock time. The doctor, nurse and my wife stood and watched the monitor. I watched the clock. At the 13-minute mark, the look on the doctor’s face changed. He turned to me. “I don’t think I’m gonna get to shock you,” he said, almost seeming a little sad. My heart had gotten back into gear, and I would be checking out soon.
The doctor has named caffeine as the main culprit. And I can see that. I love some coffee. As it is now, I am on day three without caffeine, and it’s actually not that bad. The last time this happened, I adjusted a few things here and there (such as NOT drinking four pots of coffee a day and extending my hourly sleep to at least four hours) and was on the mend in no time. I like to think of this as an isolated incident, and hopefully it won’t happen again. For one thing, no matter how tough I tried to act, I REALLY don’t want to get shocked.

Beach bums

It was only a two day trip to the beach, but it was jam-packed with a good time. I relaxed. I played. I let my children touch a jellyfish. What more could you want?
When we first got down to the beach, we went on the river in a boat. My dad drove the boat, with Allie perched on the seat with him. Parker, my wife and mother sat on a bench in the front. I perched over the front railing and repeatedly pretended not to hear my wife when she told me to sit down.
It was right at high tide, so we could scoot about in the marshes and see the turtles, birds, fish, etc. The kids were having a blast, and we decided it was a good time to follow the river out to where it meets the ocean. We were cruising along at a fairly good clip when, rather unpleasantly, we were not cruising at all. (Parker, who had fallen asleep in my mom’s lap, gently rolled off her lap and went upside down on a pile of boat cushions. He was completely unfazed by the whole thing.)
My dad and I knew we had to act quickly, since the tide was going out. We hopped out and began to push the boat back to deeper water. We would have had better luck trying to throw the boat to deep water.
We stopped for a moment to contemplate our options when my dad said, “Hey! A jellyfish! Grab it!”
You sunbathe and build castles, we beach a boat and snag jellyfish. To each his own. This particular jellyfish was a cannonball jellyfish, which my dad assured us did not sting. He assured the kids that it was fine to touch it by telling them, “Loggerhead sea turtles eat them.” I am not sure why, but that made them comfortable. So after pawing at the jellyfish for a while (and noticing a crab was scurrying about inside of it), we decided we should get back to freeing the boat. We pushed. We pulled. We grunted. We groaned. At that point, my wife suggested we rock the boat. Pshaw. You stay up there with the kids while the menfolk save the day.
More pushing. More pulling. More “Seriously, just rock it.”
After about six rounds of this, it was clear my mother and wife would have to get out and help. “We should rock it,” my dad said.
“Brilliant!” I said.
“Morons,” my wife and mother said.
After a few minutes of rocking and pushing, rocking and pushing, we eventually eased the boat into deeper waters. At that point, we were back on the river, where we learned something interesting about Parker: He can sleep standing up in a boat at full throttle. Despite the wind, the motor, and the bouncing on the waves, he leaned against my wife and just knocked out. That’s a great trick to learn.
Day two led us down to the beach, where Allie rode her bike, by my estimate, 600 miles. I am not sure how little 5-year-old legs can churn that much, but I know that I occasionally had to say, “Say, Allie, let’s stop for a minute and look for...a...uh...the Little Mermaid.” I can safely say that the pain in my...er...bike seat is proof that she did not, in fact, stop to search for Ariel. And it doesn’t help one’s ego, “Oh, come on, Dad! We can’t stop NOW!!!”
While Allie and I were on our bike ride, Parker found that he cannot, despite his efforts, catch a seagull with a bucket.
When we got back near the house, my dad, Parker and I were on walking on the road back to the house when Parker spied a large bug on the street. “Cicada?” I asked.
My dad quickly informed me that large bug on the road was, in fact, a giant water bug, a nasty dispositioned critter with a large beak it used to stab people who crouched over it on the street (or possibly to catch prey). (Note: It is always helpful to bring a biologist with you on trips.) As I eased in to get a closer look, the bug began to fly toward me, and I was not in the mood to be stabbed, so I did a nice moonwalk backwards to avoid him. As he got about 20 feet high in the air, the three of us watched when – SWOOSH!!! -- in came a grackle for dinnertime. It dropped the bug on the road, and another grackle came in and stole it. The look on Parker’s face was great. He said, “Uh....” We asked Parker what he thought the bird was doing. “He ated it!?!?!?” Fortunately, he thought it was cool, rather than being horrified.
Although it was only two days, it was a fantastic trip. It was boat riding, tree climbing, bike riding and swimming. It was everything a relaxing trip to the beach should be. Including the not-getting-stabbed-by-a-water-bug part.

Oh, the horror

By MIKE GIBBONS
So a while back, I mentioned in a column that my 5-year-old daughter gets scared during movies. This weekend could be another test for her movie viewing mettle, when we take her to see “See No Evil.”
Ha! Kidding of course. I would never take her to see “See No Evil.” And I know that you’re thinking that is because “See No Evil” is an R-rated horror movie, and a child does not belong there. Sure, I suppose that’s one reason. But I can tell you another very good reason: Because you won’t catch me anywhere near a horror movie.
I confess, I cannot do horror movies. And it’s not because they’re bad movies. I love bad movies. But I just don’t do horror movies. Why? Because they terrify me and, I am embarrassed to say, I will have nightmares.
Yes, chuckle all you want. Enjoy it. I first realized that nightmares don’t mix well with me in the early 1980s, when I was about 10 and we received one of those free weekends for Cinemax. Whereas HBO kept the R-rated stuff on in the evenings, Cinemax was wide open all the time. And so one lazy Saturday afternoon, I flipped on the TV for some free Cinemax, and settled in for a quaint little family picture know as “The Shining.”
About four days later, I finally went to sleep. I remember my mother commenting that it was a valuable lesson learned. I remember thinking, “Lesson!?!?! I am afraid that if I shut my eyes, two creepy little twins are going to flood my room with blood! This is not a lesson! It’s a syndrome!”
So I carried that with me for years, avoiding at all costs horror movies. In high school and college, there were times when we got together to watch horror movies. Not wanting to tip my hand that I could not handle them,. I always managed to find something that had to be tended to elsewhere (”Yeah, I can hear it, just gotta finish alphabetizing the pantry.”) Basically, I tried to stay close enough to give the perception that I was watching the movie, even though I knew even catching a little bit of it would translate into nightmares.
Then, around 1996 or so, I decided that it was high time I kicked this irrational fear out the door. I am a grown man, and I am certainly not a chicken. I was at a friend’s apartment, and we watched the movie “Scream.” If you’re not familiar with ”Scream,” it is an intentionally campy slasher flick, paying homage to the horror flicks that came before it, with tons of surprise moments and references to earlier flicks. Enjoyable movie, I thought.
And then I woke up at about 3 in the morning, having just had a vivid dream involving an ax-wielding freak. And I can tell myself all I want that it was just a dream, but that doesn’t change the fact that my heart rate is racing and I’ve broken out in a cold sweat.
The whole thing really goes against my nature. I am not a scaredy-cat type. I have Bungee jumped and parasailed. I have caught alligators and venomous snakes. I have left an Atlanta Falcons game and walked back to the car at night. I know fear, and it doesn’t bother me. But when I watch someone on screen pretending to gut someone, something off-kilter in my warped little craw gets clicked, and it waits until I am asleep to ambush me.
The last movie that Allie had to leave was “Chicken Little.” My first inclination was to tell her that she was being ridiculous and then to toughen up. (Yes, I know – something for the Father of the Year application.) Then two things occurred to me: (1) She’s five and (2) I suppose being scared that the earth was about to be destroyed is on par with a fear that Drew Barrymore will be butchered and left in your tree.
I was talking about my horror movie issue with a neighbor, and he was trying to figure out what my threshold was. I told him that I like thrillers, such as “Silence of the Lambs.” But it’s the cheesy slasher flicks that do me in. I know there is no rational reason for it. It probably started with “The Shining.” Or possible the time I was at camp and all of my fellow campers were murdered with chain saws. (Ha! Kidding of course. It was an ax.)
So I guess I have to be more understanding when my daughter gets scared, and know that, from a simple genetic standpoint, the absurd notion of being scared at movies comes honestly. Maybe we’ll go to see “Over the Hedge” and help her tackle her fears, so she doesn’t have to be an adult carrying around a duffle bag of issues like her old man. Or maybe we’ll both go see “See No Evil” and work on this issue together.

Van-tastic!

Minivans have become the gold standard of clichés when it comes to becoming a real, certified grown-up. It’s in the category of “Why don’t men ask for directions?” and “Why do women take so long to get ready?” We got it. You drive a minivan. Bye-bye youth.
Well, let me step right up and say that I have no problems asking for directions, and my wife can get ready in about four seconds. And that’s where the cliché-busting ends, seeing as how we now have a minivan. But it’s so easy to fall back on the minivan. There are so very many more signs that signify your true indoctrination into adulthood. Among them:
1. New hazards – If I walk through a room with the lights off, I will either step on a Matchbox car, trip over a doll, or get tangled in a jump rope. I know you’re asking, “Well, Mike, why don’t you simply pick up the toys?” Silly non-child having people. Have you not seen the documentaries “Toy Story” and “Child’s Play”? Put them up all you want. They will then scurry about as they please. And some will try and kill you.
2. New phrases – Six years ago, I never dreamed of uttering the following phrases:
“Get off the coffee table. And pick up your sandwich.”
“No, you can’t have peanut butter and toothpaste.”
“If you keep chewing your hair, I’m going to shave your head.”
“Where is the lampshade?”
“Yes, that IS very nice. Now flush.”
“Because it’s your sister’s. And you’re a boy. And even so, your hair is too short for a hair band.”
3. New rituals – Waking up used to be a leisurely stroll through the morning. Now, it is an obstacle course of kid-wrangling, breakfast-making and bed-making. By the time my wife and kids head out the door, I often find myself standing there in my pajamas, banana smeared on my shirt, the coffee still untouched, and me wondering, “What...just...happened?”
4. New joys in life – My weekends used to be very different. Happiness is now seeing a kid learning how to swing or climb a tree. Or seeing a 3-year-old boy learn that, with a running start, he can drop his older sister and take her basketball, only to find out she can return the beatdown, all the while I gently rest my arm on my wife’s shoulder and say, “There, there. There, there. They’ll work it out.” At which point she gives me a look as though I just drank the shampoo and says, “Have you lost your mind?” To which I say, “There, there. There, there.” And then my wife handles it.
5. New places to visit – And I’m not talking about Disney and the like. I’m talking about the top of the fast-food playground, where I have helped back down several kids (some not even mine). I’m talking about beneath a church pew, where you have to delicately try and retrieve a crayon, and not hit the ankle of the nice woman in front of you, hoping to avoid that awkward moment where you scoot out under the pew like you’re a mechanic and hold up the crayon to show that you have a valid reason to be there. I’m talking about the back of an SUV during a thunderstorm trying to change a diaper.
6. New fashion sense – While anyone who knows me can tell you I often look like I just hopped off the cover “Just Woke Up From a Nap” magazine, the choice of clothing is now dependent on the day’s tasks. Going to a birthday party? Go with lighter colors, as more than likely, the cake’s icing will be light. Going to a movie theater? Wear a coat, even if you know you don’t need it, because you will be giving it away to the little munchkin who insists she won’t need one. Going on a trip? Wear something loose, to allow for the menacing finger-wagging/arm shake to the back seat.
7. A new way of speaking – And I think you know which manner of speaking I refer to. Even the most sophisticated person will want to blurt things when they crack their knee on a coffee table. As parents, we come up with nonsensical ways to express anger, pain, etc. “Son of a Doodlebop!!!”
8. New fears – See No. 7. And if you are not familiar with the Doodlebops, a quick Google search will let you join the growing number of people who lie awake at night afraid Rooney Doodle may show up at your house.
And while there are countless other reasons, I think you get my drift. Sure, a minivan is still the ultimate “Aren’t you a grown-up!” symbol, but that’s really just the tip of the iceberg. Now, where is the lampshade?

Musings from Mike

No particular theme to today’s column. (Like the others are such masterpieces of cohesion.) But I thought I would simply offer up some musings that have popped into my head of late:
1. My children continue to amaze me at the bizarre way they injure themselves. Clearly, it is genetic, since I have done such things as (a) fallen off a picnic bench and gashed my leg open (b) taken a chunk out of finger when I got it closed in a shotgun and (c) banged up my shoulder trying to asphalt-ski during some rain. (Perhaps lack of judgment led to (a) and (b).) My daughter managed to join the ranks the other day. She was carrying her pink plastic watering can, swinging it as she strolled, when she swung it too far and it smacked her in the face, bloodying her lip. My neighbor was standing with me at the time, and I had to assure him that his initial reaction to laugh was OK.
2. Once again, I have abandoned my feeble attempt at growing a beard. This time lasted all of about four days. I don’t know why I occasional consider the thought. For one thing, I can’t grow a beard. I have proven that. I grow a permanent 5:00 shadow. Plus, I can’t stand the feeling. And each time, my wife and I have this conversation:
ME: I’m thinking of growing a beard. Should I?
HER: No.
ME: But your dad has a beard.
HER: Yeah, but he can grow one.
ME: Well, so can I.
HER: No you can’t.
3. Had the house pressure washed recently, and it’s amazing what blasting the funk off of your house can do. They had to do it in installments, since I wouldn’t let them do the front porch with the rest of the house. We had a nest of birds, and I could not explain to my children that we had turned high pressure water hoses on the little baby birds that we had followed since they were eggs.
4. Yesterday was my 8th anniversary. (Also, my wife’s, as it turns out.) I applaud her efforts of putting up with me for this long, and can only hope that she never wakes up from what must be a mind-altering haze and realizes her husband has the emotional IQ of an 11-year-old.
5. While watching the NFL draft on Saturday, it occurred to me: I have no life. I decided I needed to take the kids outside to play. When I turned on the radio in the car so that I could hear it, I realized I may be in need of help. (For what’s it’s worth, the Titans made a monumental mistake in not selecting Matt Leinart.)
6. I have grill envy. My neighbor just got a new one, and I feel I have no choice but to sneak into his garage and liberate it. I wonder if he will notice. I cooked bratwurst on it and didn’t have a single flare-up. When I cook brat on mine, it looks like someone is down in my grill welding.
7. With the recent controversy regarding immigration, I feel it is time for me to weigh in on the subject: And my overriding thought right at this moment is this: Vince Young is a great athlete and may one day be a great NFL QB, but Leinart could step in and run Norm Chow’s system TODAY!
8. For the first time in my pool owning history, I have the cleanest, clearest pool I have ever had. There may be pools as clear as mine. But there are none clearer. And the reason for this? No water.
9. I successfully completed a home improvement project by myself, which is grounds for celebration. For about two years, a gate on a fence had been hung upside down (don’t ask), and I managed to attach it the right way so it didn’t fall off every time you opened it. And, I did it without any wounds that would require stitches, which is a major victory for me. On the heels of this success, I think I will rewire my house. I am unstoppable.
10. One of the symptoms of the kid funk know as croup is a cough that sounds like a seal’s bark. That is by far the most accurate medical description in the history of the world. I think I will see if Parker can balance a beach ball on his nose.
So that is all I have today. Next week, I will return with a normal column. And it may be about how you can simply look at the success Carson Palmer has had! How could you not pick Leinart!?!?!?

Black eyed P

Well, I guess it’s safe to go out in public again with Parker.
Parker is 3, and one of the requirements for being a 3-year-old boy is complete and utter disregard for anything remotely resembling safety. And now that his very fine shiner has gone away, I feel I can venture out without people staring in a disapproving manner. (I always make a point of leaning in to the people and whispering, “The first rule of baby fight club, you don’t talk about baby fight club.”)
This is the third black eye he has had. The first two were courtesy of an aggressive coffee table that assaulted him on two different occasions.
His latest shiner came courtesy of a playground pole. And it also came with a valuable lesson: Pay attention. He was sprinting across the playground - which is currently the only speed he has right now - when a little girl called out to him. Poor, poor Parker. Learning so early that you CANNOT be distracted by the fairer sex. He turned to give a little howdy, and turned back around to WHAP! From the play-by-play I got, the pole stood its ground. Parker? Not so much.
When I got home from work, my wife called from upstairs. “I’m warning you - it’s bad.” When Parker came running to see me, I saw the shiner, and the first words out of my idiotic mouth were, “WHOAAA! AWESOME!!!”
I know, I know. I’m a horrible person. But there is something hard-wired in guys that when they see something like a shiner or a scar or 10-12 nails protruding from someone’s head, their immediate response is “COOOOOOOL!!!!” Parker, of course, thought his shiner was cool, too. Every few minutes, he would run up to me and said, “Daddy - look at my eye!”
Now, some of you out there may be reading this, gap-jawed that someone would be rather blasé about a kid getting his noggin knocked. Keep in mind a few things: (1) I knew he was fine by this point, as it had happened many hours prior and (2) I, at one point, was a 3-year-old boy, and three decades later, I still have the occasional injury type day. As I type this, my left foot hurts where I inadvertently banged it on the coffee table. And my mouth has a nasty sore spot where I bit into a piece of really hot pizza the other night. And, for some reason, my wife was able to (a) walk around the coffee table and (b) let the pizza cool off. Hmm.
As Parker gets older, I also find that he is, more than likely, part monkey. As I was as a boy, he is a climber. Loves to climb. Trees. Fences. Shelves. You name it. Perhaps he is trying to get back to his tree canopy home.
It is really wild to see the difference between Parker and his sister. Allie, who is almost 6, has had her share of bumps, bruises and scrapes. But she has always been a little more cautious than her feral brother. For example, I don’t recall her ever climbing to the top of the couch and jumping into a pile of laundry. (And I know what you’re thinking: “Who was watching him when he was allowed to do that?!?!?!?” And that is very similar to what my wife said. I explained that it was, in fact, not only safe but fun. She disagreed.)
It’s not that Allie is completely cautious. She loves tromping outside and playing on playgrounds and such. And fences? Made to be climbed. But she does it with, well, some planning. She plots out the climb and the descent and everything in between, whereas Parker will just end up on the roof somehow. (Relax. He’s never actually ended up on the roof. That his mother knows about. Ha! Kidding there. Seriously.)
One thing that is different with Parker and Allie is the way they deal with injuries. Parker doesn’t cry much from them, and when he does, it’s usually for a short spell. Plus, he’ll do the “Shake It Off” Dance, which always makes me chuckle. If Allie gets hurt, she would much rather just curl up in your lap and kinda be sad for a bit. Both, of course, think Band-Aids are magical cure-alls, and often go to bed with 15-20 on them. I don’t think you need a Band-Aid on your stomach when you have a tummy ache.
So although Parker will undoubtedly get banged up again, I hope it is minimal, and, although cool at first, I certainly hope he doesn’t get another shiner. (My last quality black eye was in the third grade, so he’s still got plenty of time to match me.) It’s hard to keep a boy from being a boy, so we’ll just have to make we’re there keeping an eye out for him. And that my wife is there to overrule.

Some sage advice

We have well established that I am the world’s greatest dad, as evidenced by the fact that I just called myself that. So, to that end, I feel it is important to offer up some parenting tips to share with all of the world. The format will be Q&A, with the questions carefully screened from a detailed batch of questions I just made up.
Q: My 3-year-old son is constantly throwing things at his 5-year-old sister. What can I do?
A: This is a prime opportunity for you to impart some very sage wisdom to your child. Sit the child down, make eye contact, and say firmly, “When your brother has a Matchbox car in his hand, run. He’s going to throw it. Get out of the path.”
Q: Uh, I meant what do I say to HIM?
A: Recite the Gettysburg Address. Sing the lyrics to Eric Clapton’s “Layla.” Doesn’t really matter what you say, because all that is going through a 3-year-old’s head is “Throw the car. Throw the car. Throw the car.”
Q: My daughter has been getting scared at night, occasionally having nightmares. What can I do?
A: Well, you can stop her from watching the Orbitz gum commercials, in particular the one where the giant bird takes off with the man. I can only surmise that is why a 5-year-old would sprint into my room at 2 in the morning saying she just had a dream that an eagle flew off with her and took her to a nest. Oh, and the next morning, don’t sneak up and make squawking noises behind her.
Q: Despite trying to teach my children the proper way to play sports, they both adopt their own unorthodox style of batting, kicking, throwing, etc. What can I do to straighten it out?
A: Nothing. They will either develop their awkward style into pro-caliber performances, or will look so strange doing it that other children will mock them on the playground, driving them inside to the comfort of their textbooks. You win either way.
Q: My husband and I disagree on discipline. How do we reconcile this?
A: It is important to be level-headed and consistent with discipline, which is why it should be left up to you. Your husband will waffle between drill sergeant-like strictness and then, as soon as his daughter bats an eye, will melt and say, “Fine, you can go ride your bike. Your brother’s hair will grow back. And here’s a dollar.”
Q: What is the best way to get children to eat a proper, well-balanced breakfast?
A: Convince yourself that Pop-Tarts are a proper, well-balanced breakfast.
Q: What is the best approach to potty train a child?
A: Books. Buy every book you can on the subject, and read them cover to cover. By the time you have finished them all, your child will be about 15, and will have figured it out on his own.
Q: When my children get sick, the medicine they get smells really good. It’s fruity or bubble game flavored, and the kids act like it’s candy. But when we were children, medicine tasted like oxen sweat. That hardly seems fair.
A: That’s not a question.
Q: OK, then, did pharmaceuticals just discover cherry flavoring?
A: Actually, their oxen died, and they had to find a replacement. Cherry was the next cheapest.
Q: My son has developed a strange habit of not wanting to get out of the tub until all the water has drained out. Why is this?
A: Because your son is strange. And he will grow out of it.
Q: Are you sure? Because he’s 25.
A: Uh ... pass.
Q: My daughter has a vivid imagination, and often holds tea parties, games, etc. with the various stuffed residents of her room. At what point should I curtail this?
A: Never. You should encourage this. And tell her that stuffed animals are good, kind friends, whereas boys are bad and icky and should be avoided at all costs. And, when you are older, if you put enough stuffed animals into your car, there will be no room for boys in said car.
Q: What makes you think you are qualified to give parenting advice?
A: Because I have a PhD in child psychology, a master’s degree in early childhood development, and have done extensive research on childhood behavior.
Q: Seriously?
A: What do you think?
Q: That’s a question, not an answer.
A: This could go on a while. No, I am not serious. I have the same qualifications anyone else in my shoes has: I have kids.
Q: Any final words of wisdom?
A: Yeah, skip “Layla.” Go with Kenny Rogers’ “Coward of the County.” It always makes me chuckle.

King size goodness

Never again will I use a nightstand for a pillow.
I know you’re probably thinking that there are plenty of softer items to throw on the bed than a nightstand. And you are correct. But I have not dragged a nightstand into bed. Rather, I am free from my recent torment of waking up, my body on the very edge of the bed, my head resting on my nightstand, one hand gripping the nightstand, the other planted on the ground to keep me from falling out of bed.
Needless to say, this was not the most comfortable way of sleeping.
But now, I have a new bed, and I am free from the terror. My wife and I have abandoned our queen size bed and replaced it with a king size, which is roughly an acre.
A queen size bed used to be plenty big. And then children came along. Combine mobile kids with fairly heavy sleeping parents, and you have a recipe for a bed chock full of Gibbons. On nights when the little rascals sneak into the room, I rarely notice it. In fact, they could drive an SUV onto our bed and I would not notice it.
So what happens is they sneak into bed and nestle themselves firmly in the middle. Then, over the course of sleeping, the begin their expansionism. And for those of you without children, I can say that the single most powerful force in the universe is a sleeping 3-year-old’s legs. (The only thing that can even come close is the leg power of a sleeping Basset hound.) Somehow, Parker has the ability to stretch out and gradually move me or my wife out of the way, taking over about 60 percent of the available bed space. By the morning, I have reached the edge and am hanging on for support, my head resting on the nightstand.
Now I know the first thing you are thinking is that we should not let our kids in our bed. And I assure you we do not. I am fairly convinced they have the ability to dematerialize and reform in our room. Most every night, I vividly recall putting both of them to sleep in their own rooms. And then – poof! – there they are in the morning. So anyone who is critical of the kids finishing up their deep sleep in our room is MORE than welcome to come over and play kid goalie from midnight to 7 a.m.
Additionally, I am fairly certain that the kids will grow out of this. Allie doesn’t come in very often, and when she does it’s when she’s had a bad dream. (Apparently, “The Shining” is a poor choice for a bedtime story.) Parker will also grow out of it, but he’s three right now, so his general outlook on life is: “What Parker wants, Parker gets. And Parker wants to sleep in there.” For the record, we do not adhere to Parker’s life outlook. But we pick our battles. For example: While Parker DOES get to pick out his shirt on occasion, Parker DOES NOT get to pick out Mommy’s shirt. And he certainly doesn’t get to pick it out for himself.
So when the king size bed arrived, I was amazed at how much bigger it seemed. It’s only 18 inches wider, but it just seems gobs bigger than our old mattress. After it was put in the room, my wife looked at it and said, “It kinda takes up the whole room...”
“Well,” I said, “it is called a BEDroom.”
My wife just stared at me, not sure whether I thought I was being funny or was the master of the obvious. She does that a lot.
So the first night of the big new bed, we were amazed at how much more room there was. (We brought cell phones so we could say goodnight.) When the alarm went off in the morning, I awoke and was amazed to find myself firmly and solidly on nothing but bed. No nightstand. No floor support. Just...mattress. Hmm. Guess the kids stayed in their room. I got up to turned off the alarm and turned back to see that, there in the bed, were two twisted contorting little ones, both taking up their own little quadrants of Bedland. Outstanding.
So while the issue of little ones sneaking into the room is less of a pressing one to resolve, I am at least glad that my wife and I can get a good night’s sleep if they do sneak in. And like I said, they will grow out of this as they get older. They have to. We don’t have room for a bigger bed.

Time to party

As a 5-year-old, my daughter has reached the age where she attends roughly 40 birthday parties each weekend.
Whereas my weekends used to be carefree exhibitions in laziness and occasional yard work, the new first order of business at the start of each weekend is to determine when and where the parties will be. On Friday night, my wife will stand over by the fridge where she keeps an excessively detailed calendar. “OK, Allie’s got a party at 2 and 4.”
“Sounds good. I’ll plan my nap from 1:30-5.”
That has yet to work.
On occasion, I will take Allie to the birthday parties. My wife usually does the birthday circuit, while Parker and I hang around the house being guys. On occasion, I will take the lead, though, and accompany Allie to a party. I remember the first one I attended was at a gymnastics place. I am fairly sure I was the only parent asked to stop jumping on the trampoline.
The most recent party I went to was at a miniature golf place. To kick off the party, those in attendance spent some time in the video arcade. They weren’t actually playing video games, since none of them had tokens. But they were having a blast pretending to play. One of the games was a motorcycle game where you actually sit on a motorcycle. Allie had a blast sitting on the back of the motorcycle while one of the boys from her class pretended to ride the motorcycle, complete with sound effects. I hope she enjoyed herself, since it will be the closest she ever gets to actually riding on the back of a motorcycle with a boy from her class. Don’t get me wrong — I have nothing against motorcycles or people who ride them. I have everything, however, against my daughter riding on the back of a motorcycle with a boy. I also plan to have issues with her riding in a car with a boy, getting on a bus with a boy, being in the same time zone with a boy, etc.
I know that you are thinking I am setting myself up for a world of rebellion. Well, you may be right, but who, I ask, will unlock the handcuffs that link her wrist and mine? (It’s for her own good.)
But back to the birthday party. When it came time for mini-golf (for the record, 5-year-olds are not interested in a discussion on the term “Putt-Putt” and its proper, trademarked use), about a dozen kids swarmed the course. I was thinking that it would take forever for them to play. Man, was I wrong.
When a hoard of kids hits the mini-golf course, they attack at once. At any given time, there may be five or six kids on the same hole. And they play some sort of hybrid golf-hockey game, where the ball doesn’t have to actually stop before you hit it. Oh, and if you feel the hole it taking too long, you are entitled to pick up the ball, drop it in the hole and sprint to next hole.
After the golf, the kids returned to the arcade and were given some tokens to play games. The first game Allie wanted to play is the single greatest game ever invented: skeeball. For those of you not familiar with skeeball, I order you to stop what you are doing this moment, go to Chuck E. Cheese and play a round.
While I take more of a finesse approach to skeeball, Allie takes more of a reckless-abandon-brute-strength approach. She has on more than one occasion launched the skeeball off the ramp and into the arcade. This makes skeeball far more entertaining, since there is always a chance you may get to fetch ice for someone’s rapidly swelling bruise.
After skeeball, she and another friend decided to play air hockey. For this machine, two tokens bought you a game of air hockey, with the game continuing until someone reached seven goals. I am fairly certain that eternity is best defined as the time it takes two 5-year-olds to finish a game of seven-goal air hockey. Fortunately, their patience was even less than their air hockey skills, so they abandoned that after a while.
Before we knew it, the party was up, and we were heading on our way. It was actually a lot of fun. It’s kind of a bonus for me because I get to go hang out in an arcade and, rather than looking like a very geeky and possibly disturbing old man, I can simply say, “Birthday party. For the kid.”
I am sure this weekend will be more parties, and I will be plenty willing to take her, if need be. I have to remember that there may come a day when she doesn’t want me to accompany her to parties. And she is entitled to feel that way. Of course, she’s not entitled to the handcuff key.

A case of the threes

I’m no doctor, but I think I can confidently diagnose my son’s current illness: Parker has a terrible case of the threes.
It is quite a change from the Parker we are used to. I was going back through some old columns, and found some snippets I wrote about Parker, and compare them to the Parker of today.

May 2004 — “He very rarely gets upset. We’re talking about a kid who, when he got a shot one time, stared at the nurse and ripped the Band-Aid off. The boy is solid.”
Getting upset is one of his hobbies now. And we know that he’s faking it, since he turns it on and off like a faucet. Can’t have a snack? WAAAA!!! Can’t have a toy? WAAAA!!! Can’t use Daddy’s power drill? WAAAA!!! Everyone’s left the room? Silence. Sneaky rascal.
So we combat this by not acknowledging the ridiculous tantrums. Sometimes, sure, he has legitimate gripes. (I would be upset if my sister put lollipops in my hair.) But for the most part, when he’s going on and on about nothing, we just, well, ignore him. My wife and I have no problem having a nice conversation about our day as Parker sits on the ground wailing “I...WANT...A...HORSE!!!!”

March 2004 — “Parker has this routine to go to sleep: (1) He waits until the clock strikes 7:00 (2) He drops like a narcoleptic on sleeping pills.”
Bedtime is now a super adventure. Three-year-olds are very mobile and very dexterous, meaning they are very good escape artists. You may think he’s asleep. You may think he’s down for the count. But then you turn around and find him standing in the middle of a kitchen saying, “Me want a bath.” You explain to him that he just had a bath, to which he responds, “NO!! A JUICE BOX!!!” It’s very hard to reason with this.
He also plays a game of parental tennis, in which he begs for Mommy, who takes him, at which point he immediately begs for Daddy, who takes him, at which point he immediately begs for the dog, who wisely pretends not to hear us.

February 2004 — “When it comes to Parker being a picky eater, there is more chance that Parker will be named starting center for the San Antonio Spurs this season.”
These days, regardless of what you feed him, he will want something else. And that “something else” is usually whatever is on his sister’s plate, even if it is the same thing. My wife and I make a point of not making Allie cave to every one of her brother’s requests, because there’s not reason she should have to give up something constantly just to avoid a temper tantrum from Parker. Or is there...wait, never mind. Bad precedent.

So here we are, a raging case of the threes swooping over the house. I know some of you out there are thinking that we should be bringing down the discipline hammer or be more firm with our decisions. And I am sure that most of you who say that do not, currently, have three-year olds. The thing is, he’s still, for the most part a really sweet kid. He’s a very huggy kid, and still has times where he just wants to curl up in your lap and snuggle with you. Every child goes through the stages of trying to find his boundaries and see how far he can get with the power of stubbornness.
My wife and I are trying differing approaches to weather the storm. And if this is the worst we have to deal with, it’s a breeze. Children being children is nothing to sweat. Sometimes, when he is sprawled in the middle of the floor wailing about, say, wanting to go swimming at 8:00 at night when it’s 40 degrees outside, I will get on the floor with him and wail about what I want (it’s usually a Corvette). He finds that absolutely hysterical. Similarly, when he is in the middle of refusing to eat, I will start eating his dinner. Usually only a bite or two into it, his primal instincts kick in and he shoves most of a peanut butter sandwich in his mouth.
His sister went through her trying times, too, and I am sure that there will be more. (I have been told that being the parent of a teenager is nature’s way of making sure you have no qualms about sending them off to college.) I am sure before we know it, he’ll be through this stage. A raging case of the threes does cure up on its own, usually when they acquire a case of the fours...

Cell it to me

So recently, I was complaining about the high cost of cell phones.
“Way too expensive,” I said authoritatively. “And too many bells and whistles. Ridiculous.”
Shortly into my not-asked-for and ill-informed rant on the prohibitive cost of cell phones, someone asked how long I had been with my current carrier. Several years, I said. “You know you can upgrade your phone for free, right?” The tone in which he said this implied that I should have probably known this. Being careful not to tip my hand, I offered a “Harumph!” and went on my way.
So I went to the cell phone store to check out this whole” free phone” thing. I know that my wife and I both got free phones when we signed on. But we really were in need of new phones. For one thing, we got our phones around 1941. (They are actually corded and rotary.) Plus, they are the exact same model, so we invariably get each other’s phones. It’s not that anyone really exciting or secretive is calling. More than anything, it’s a pain to try and call her and have your phone bark at you that you can’t dial the phone’s own number.
So I went to the store and asked them if I was eligible for a free phone. Indeed, I was, and had been for a while. “OK,” I said, “where are the free phones?” The cellular industry, continuing their long-standing tradition of playing puppeteer with the American people, has made a crafty little hurdle for us to jump through. “Oh, the free phones aren’t here. You have to do that online.”
Fair enough, though, what with “free” being the key word here. I went online and found out that there were about a dozen phones in the free range. I decided I would take charge of the situation and pick my phone out. My wife could then pick her phone out of the remaining ones. Leadership. Taking charge. That’s me.
ME: OK, I picked out my phone. Time for you to pick yours.
HER: But what if I want the one you picked?
ME: Then...I’ll...uh...
HER: Pick a different one?
ME: I guess so.
HER: Good boy.
Fortunately, she picked a different phone. We both got the flip phones, which means that for the rest of my time with this phone, I will hang up by flipping the phone closed, and then open it back up to make completely sure that the phone is, in fact, off. I am sure that I am not alone in this paranoia.
When the phone arrived, I was very excited. After all, it’s a new toy, and toys are meant to be played with. So I went and plugged the phone into the wall and let it charge for a couple of minutes, just enough time to get enough battery juice so that I could find out the colors, sounds, etc. of the phone. I turned it on, expecting it to magically know that it was my phone. Apparently, I did not order the magic model. Using my boring old home phone, I called a friend of mine who knows way more about technology than I ever care to.
ME: Hey, my new phone isn’t working.
HIM: You turned it on?
ME: Uh, yeah.
HIM: NO!!! RULE NUMBER ONE IS NEVER TURN IT ON FIRST!!!
ME: Whatever. If that were the case, they would have told me that.
HIM: Go look in the box.
Now, it is my contention that if rule number one is NOT to play with your new toy, it should NOT be put on some piece of paper that is thrown in with the useless stuff in the box, such as packing materials and user manuals. If you want to stop someone from playing with a new toy, the entire box should be plastered with warnings: “WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TURNING ON THIS PHONE, LEST YOU CRIPPLE ALL CELLULAR SATELLITES AND CRASH THEM INTO THE SPACE STATION!!!”
Eventually, I had to sheepishly go back to the store and hope they would have mercy on my poor, dumb, free online soul. I brought my son with me, hoping that a doe-eyed 3-year-old would keep them from saying out loud what they probably thought about me. Fortunately, they did have sympathy, and fiddled with it for a few minutes and made it work.
So we now have our new phones, and I have to say they are quite snappy. And they work, which is an added bonus I rarely achieve when it comes to matters of technology. And you can’t beat the price.

Magic Vacation, part 2

So last week the family hit Disney’s Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom. This week, we conclude the vacation with a blitz tour of EPCOT and MGM Studios.
EPCOT, which stands for something that I once knew, is most known for its giant silver ball, called Spaceship Earth. Spaceship Earth had been shut down for several years undergoing a much needed revamping. The ride inside takes you through the journey of communication, and the last time I went on it, the ride ended with you traveling through a scene they hailed the future, with the announcer boldly predicting, “In the future, phones will have NO CORDS!!! You will be able to RECORD FROM YOUR TELEVISION SET!!!”
I was pleased to see that the future now extends beyond 1978. And the kids enjoyed the ride, too. Allie liked it because it was interesting and informative. Parker liked it because there were (a) cavemen and (b) football.
After Spaceship Earth, we milled about EPCOT for a while when it occurred to us: EPCOT is about as exciting to a 5- and 2-year-old as a tax seminar, so we decided we would scoot on over to MGM Studios. Our main objective at MGM was to hit Playhouse Disney, a stage show of the popular Disney Channel morning block of kid-friendly programming featuring such stars as Winnie the Pooh, Stanley, Jo Jo and Goliath, Bear in the Big Blue House and Gigantor the Destroyer (that last one may not be one).
At Playhouse Disney, they herd hundreds of parents and kids into a big auditorium for the performance. And if there is room for one more person, they will let another 50 in. (There is actually a sign posted that reads: “We are Disney. No fire marshall can tell us what to do.”) Once the show began, the kids had a great time singing and dancing to the songs during the performance. And when those doors shut, every adult in the room officially abandoned any shred of maturity and dignity. I think I could make a small fortune by videotaping the adults and then charging them a fee to turn the tape over to them.
ME: Ma’am, I have a tape of you doing the Morning Mambo in public. This tape can be yours for $50.
MOM: Sold.
Granted, in some ways, that’s what makes it fun. I mean, I have no problem making a fool of myself in public (Note from Mike’s wife: Really? Shocker there.) But for others, I think it’s a time to let loose some inner child that needs to get out and, well, do the Morning Mambo with an eight foot bear and 500 kids. Let’s be honest, in your job, when is the last time you stood up in the middle of your workspace, spun in circles and stomped your feet and popped bubbles? Well, yes, you, sir, we know. And that’s why you are no longer employed as a surgeon. But for the rest of us, it was right therapeutic, in a strange, geeky way.
After Playhouse Disney, I decided it was time to take Allie on her first Star Wars adventure. The Star Tours ride is a simulator that takes you cruising around in space (including a battle run to the Death Star). Allie is now tall enough to ride these rides, and seems to enjoy them. When we strapped ourselves into the Star Tour seats, Allie turned to me and showed a concerned look.
ALLIE: Daddy, promise this is pretend?
ME: Of course it is.
ALLIE: Daddy – PROMISE – we are NOT really going to space.
Of the few certainties in life you can provide your children, I felt confident that I could without a doubt promise her that, in fact, we would not go into space. (Although the 1986 Kate Capshaw masterpiece “Space Camp” did give pause for consideration.)
When we exited Star Tours, we were greeted by my wife, who informed us that the parade was about to start, and that some of the kids were being asked to be part of it. My wife decided to take charge and ask a Disney employee how one went about being part of the parade. “Here,” the woman said, handing my wife a blue index card, “I have one left. She’s in.” Simple as that.
Allie and about a dozen other kids would bring up the rear of the parade, carrying a velvet rope behind Mickey and Minnie’s car. Also, they had a peach seat right at the beginning where all of the characters walked past. Allie had very little problem becoming one with the parade, even showing a well-perfected princess wave.
By the end of the day, there were two very tired individuals moving at a slow pace through the parks. And the kids were pretty spent, too. That night, Parker and I bunked back at the room while my wife and Allie headed out for one last fireworks hoorah. Parker, bless his tired little heart, simply ran out of steam. When you are not quite 3 years old and log four Disney parks in three days, you get to the point where you just need to crash.
Allie’s highlight of her final night was meeting the princesses, which had been the goal of the whole trip for her so far. I did not meet any princesses, which in some ways is good, because it always seems like my daughter stands just far enough away so that I look like I am some creepy guy standing in line to meet princesses by myself.
By the time we pulled the car back in our driveway, we had logged a lot of miles and a lot of fun. We joke that this is our annual pilgrimage, and will hopefully keep going each year for years to come. And, for those of you who think the kids will outgrow it, you may be right. But I, for one, think you never get too old to drive far away from home, set aside your cares, and act like a fool in public. Now, if I could just remember the “drive away from home” part, I’d have it made.

Magic Vacation, part 1

There is nothing like going on vacation and having an African tribesman tell you that you don’t know how to dress your children.
No, we did not take a family vacation for a big game hunt. Rather, we headed for our annual pilgrimage to Disney, which goes to great lengths to bring authenticity to everything it does, including its parenting tips from a man with a bone in his nose.
But more on that later. We started our Disney adventure on Thursday, with our sights on the Magic Kingdom. And nothing gets you going like waking up at the crack of dawn to Parker, who is almost three, flinging open the curtains to the hotel room and screaming, “IT’S A PRETTY DAY!!!! LET’S GO TO DI-DNEY!!!” I, of course, responded to this by covering my head with a pillow.
Eventually, we got up and running and were ready to hit the park. Allie, who is five, was adamant that the first thing we would do was to ride Dumbo, the flying elephant ride. We got to the park shortly after it opened, and made a beeline to Dumbo. While Dumbo’s line was sort of long (about 30 minutes), I am pleased to report that it was the longest line we stood in all week. For those of you looking to find short lines at Disney, I have one simple suggestion – no diaper changes. It’s amazing how fast the lines clear for you.
After Dumbo, we hit the requisite rides, the main one, of course, being “It’s a Small World.” I am in the minority, in that I love the ride. That is because, in 1996, I was on it and it broke down, and I was subjected to about 30 minutes of the song, while the freaky little dolls were motionless. I have an extreme case of the Stockholm Syndrome, and must return to my captors’ beloved embrace whenever I can.
One of the most memorable moments of Magic Kingdom came when Allie and my wife rode Splash Mountain, a water ride that sends you barreling down a steep drop to be soaked. While I am sure that was fun for them, I enjoyed mine and Parker’s theater in the park production of “The Birds.” You see, as we were waiting for them to ride, I got Parker some popcorn. And birds, it turns out, LOVE them some popcorn. By the time it was over, Parker had a tremendous assortment of birds hanging around his stroller, begging for popcorn. And then the seagulls showed up. Party over, birds.
We spent the bulk of the day at Magic Kingdom, and cut out around dinner time to head back to the hotel. My wife and Allie went back to the park for the fireworks show, while Parker and I opted to stay back at the hotel room and argue the definition of “crabby.”
Day two was Animal Kingdom day. Animal Kingdom is essentially Disney’s version of a zoo, except that they have the amazing ability to make it rain whenever you are there. I have now been to Animal Kingdom five times, and it has rained every time. My guess is that their gift shop sales are lagging behind other parks, and they use their Disney powers to create rainfall to force you into gift shops. We were there with another family, and when the rain started, the father of the family said, “Listen – you can hear the sound of the ponchos being marked up!” True indeed.
But the rain was fleeting, and we were able to see lots of cool animals. Hippos, gorillas, tigers, international tourists who believe that clothing was intended to merely drape the body, not actually cover things.
As we were strolling through the park, we heard the sounds of drums, which we soon saw were coming from an authentic African tribe performing a fantastic routine. We watched for about 10 minutes, up to the conclusion, at which point Allie decided she wanted to meet the performers. Fair enough.
As we’re mingling amidst the folks – decked out in traditional African tribal garb – one of the drummers comes up to my wife and, in full African accent, says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but your son’s shoes on the wrong feet.”
Indignantly, we cut a look down at Parker. And saw his shoes on the wrong feet. So there you go. But before those without children pass judgment, I feel confident that any parent who has ever tried to dress a squirming child who is gearing up for a day at Disney is thrilled that both shoes end up on feet. Right/left is just gravy.
As we concluded Day Two of our Disney adventure, the kids were still having a great time. We had two parks to go. And one day to do it. We were up against the clock. We would have to move swiftly on our final day. No time to waste.
Join us next week for the conclusion of our Disney vacation, where we are fairly sure we put our kids’ shoes on the correct feet.

Clean Sweep, part 2

As you may recall from last week, my sisters and I (and spouses) had begun a clean sweep of my parents’ house. At the halfway point, we had succeeded in, essentially, turning my parents’ house into massive piles of quasi-organized rubble. Calling it off at this point was not an option. We were in too deep.
My sisters decided that one thing that needed to be done was to switch around some china cabinets. And, as is usually the case, the cabinet in need of the longest move was the one that weighed approximately the same as a Ford pickup truck. Fortunately, it was two pieces, so it was only like moving a couple of Ford Escorts. Once we had the gargantuan piece moved, my sisters opted for 40-50 new locations to try out, just to ensure that my brothers-in-law and I had ample chance to bang our knees, crush our hands in doors, etc. We appreciate the spreading of pain wealth.
The next big issue was the consolidation of all of the stuff that we had pulled out of closets, drawers, etc. My mother’s collectibles (owls and turtles, if you recall), were in need of sorting and filing. I sort and file things thusly: If it fits on a shelf, it goes there. Apparently, my sisters have a different approach to decorating, and ordered me (along with my brothers-in-law Jim and Keith) to the garage to, in their words, “do something out of the way.”
In the garage, we decided we should probably take on the most sensible task for guys relegated to the garage, which was to begin drinking beer. When we realized it was 9:30 in the morning, it occurred to us that we might want to pursue a different endeavor.
We decided to split up on some different projects. Jim took on the garage. Keith went in to hauling items as directed. And I complained about the line for sausage biscuits at the fast food restaurant. (Everyone has a niche.)
By lunch time, we were starting to see glimmers of progress (however fleeting they may have been.) At one point, I stood in the den, the bookshelf halfway put back together, and noticed that my one sister, who had been working in there, had moved on to a different room. At this point, Overbearing Mike had to make a stand. “CAN WE NOT FINISH ONE ROOM BEFORE MOVING ON?”
Based on the convergence of angry sisters and wife who immediately appeared before me, I quickly realized the answer was “no.” It turns out, Saturday was still on the sorting and disassembling mode. Sunday, I was very firmly informed, would be for finishing.
By evening, we were starting to see real progress. My wife and sisters decided they would set off to various stores to track down rugs. Jim, Keith and I were instructed to begin plans for the “Message Center.” The message center was a shelf placed over a table in my parents’ den. Below the shelf would be a plywood + wood frame + corkboard contraption that would be secured beneath the shelf. Someone with design talent (read: not us) would affix a calendar, notepads, pens, etc. And the crowning achievement would be a hidden window shade that pulled down to conceal the message center. It’s actually a very cool contraption. Although, upon seeing it, my parents first made a face that made us quickly say, “No, we didn’t put a window into the bathroom on the other side of the wall.”
So when the rug hunters came home, they entered the garage, where we had been working on plans. Thinking they would be pleased with our detailed planning, imagine our shock when we were greeted with, “We leave you alone for two hours and all you do is drink beer!?!?!?!” Imagine the reaction had we started at 9:30. We tried to explain that the beers in hand were simply a reward for detailed planning session, a comment that was met with a disapproving “Hmmph.”
On Sunday, we were ready for the homestretch. Things were really coming in to place. Pictures were back on the wall. Shelves were inhabited by turtles and owls. Life was good.
About 5 p.m., my parents pulled in the driveway. The look on their face was priceless, mainly because I can’t put a price on the look of sheer helplessness and terror my parents tried to mask, wondering what their insane children had done inside their home.
Once they got inside, I am pleased to say they were thrilled with what we had done. Or I am pleased to say they are terrific actors. We did assure them that we had not thrown out anything of consequence. (We could tell they were concerned about that. One of my dad’s first question: “Hey, where’s my dog!?!?!” Some trust he has.)
In all, I think the weekend was a success. The house is clean swept, my parents have their home back and, hopefully, the dog will turn up soon.