Dead bat fun

You know what summed up my Saturday? "Hey, Dad - dead bat."

Now most people would say, "Yeah, I'm gonna chalk up any day that includes the phrase 'dead bat' as a bad one." But not me. No, sir. My reaction was, "Awesome! And we almost all walked past it!"

You see, my kids and I went out with my dad to some land he has, and we put the icing on the cake with finding a dead bat at the end of the trip. Score!

I know what you're saying, "Uh, a dead bat made your day?" To which I say, "Yes, good sir, yes it did!!!"

We headed out in the woods the way most folks do - with a pink fishing rod, a magnifying glass and a machete. My daughter had the fishing rod, which we quickly realized would be rather ineffective with a broken bobber, so we stashed it. The magnifying glass was brought so that we could lose it later. The machete was on hand because, well, it's awesome to use a machete.

While most people like walking the woods on a nice, orderly path, I find that the woods are far more exciting off the path. And under a log. And occasionally ankle deep in mud.

Our first stop was up on a ridge where some beavers had been doing a little tree trimming. It was up on the ridge when my daughter made the first squeal of pain of the day. We turned around (machete ready, just in case). A branch had caught her shirt. "And how are we going to know if you are actually hurt?" my dad asked. She thought for a moment. Apparently this kind of sunk in because when she got whacked in the face with a branch a while later, she let out a tiny muffled groan but kept on trekking.

Part of our process was to find where the property line is so, as we were hiking over hill and over dale, we were constantly on the lookout for bright yellow flagging. I am sure it is how Lewis and Clark did it. The kids were troopers. And I was able to keep them motivated by my brilliant decision to wear shorts.

You see, we were tromping through plenty of briar-laden woods; a short while into it, my legs looked as though someone had taken a Weed Whacker to them. So when a little whining started up, I could simply say, "Look at my legs! Do you see me whining?" I'm sure they appreciated that.

By the time we reached the end of the property, the kids estimated that they had walked 113 miles over approximately 42 days.

As we made our way back to our starting point, my son did start to lag a little. And by "lag a little" I mean sit down and say he was going to take a nap. Or we could carry him. My dad and I had a good laugh over that one. I asked my son whether complaining was going to help him walk faster. He did not find that amusing.

We eventually got him motivated by finding a few boards to turn over, even catching a couple of salamanders under one. Before they knew it, we were back to the road where the car was, ready to make our woods exit.

We had parked right by a bridge, and as we were crossing the bridge, that's when my son saw the bat. And as good stewards of nature, we told my son he must become one with the bat and eat it.

Ha! Little rabies humor there. We used this as an opportunity to explain to the kids about rabies and tell them that, if they were good, we'd show them the heartwarming tale of "Old Yeller."

In all, it was a great woods walk, and I was impressed how the kids were gamers with only a hint of whining or complaining. I'm looking forward to the next time. When I'll be wearing jeans.

All grown up

So we were on our way to dinner when my daughter chimed in from the back seat.

"I want an adult menu," she said.

I went into my usual spiel, which was that the items on kids' menu were cheaper than those from the adults', and that she was probably going to order chicken nuggets anyway, which don't exist on most adult menus. She would have none of this. I was being patently unfair, and she was incredibly close to becoming the epicenter of schoolyard ridicule, as she is the last fourth grader on the planet to have to suffer the indignity of ordering from a kids' menu.

She made her final statement on the issue: "It's time you started treating me like an adult. I'm NINE-AND-A-HALF YEARS OLD!"

It was a good thing my wife was driving, as she has way more composure than I do. I immediately went hunched over laughing. (I was quickly informed from the back seat that this was not, in fact, funny, but very serious.)

So there we are. Nine. And a half. And an adult. I tried to offer her the full option of being an adult: A job, a mortgage, having to pretend you don't want to go down the slide at the park. (That's not just me, right?)

She told me that was not the point. I asked her what the point was. She told me the point was an adult menu. I again countered that she was going to just get chicken nuggets, which live solely on the kids' menu at the restaurant we were going to. She made this frustrated little grunt of exasperation that I am sure, to her, say, "That foolish man just did not get the perfectly sensible and logical nature of my request."

My daughter is a lot like her mother. My father-in-law has affirmed this to me. If there is a finite amount of sighs in a human body, I am guessing my father-in-law used them up between my wife's ninth and 21st birthdays. Which leads me to believe that my stubborn child will one day emerge to be ... a stubborn adult.

I understand that this is part of the process children go through. I am sure somewhere out there is the world's most compliant and reasonable child who breezes through the teen years with nothing but clear thinking and parental respect. I hope that child is in a museum some day. Let's be honest - most children that age can, within a 10-second span, go from being the most wonderful, kind, loving creatures to something quite possibly possessed by demonic spirits and/or aliens.

They also can be an All-A honor roll student one second, to the next second being asked, "Why would you put the cushions on the couch on TOP of the mail?" I actually asked that question recently, and was answered with, "Oh, I thought it was old mail." You know, like the old mail you periodically shove under the couch cushion.

Oh, and back to the kids' menu for a minute - when we got to the restaurant and she did get a kids' menu, you know what her big issue was? Parker got more Crayons with his. Because way at the top of the list of adult concerns - far higher than an IRS audit or a colonoscopy - is Crayon equity.

My wife keeps preaching patience to me. Kids being kids, she says. I tell her I want results, and I want them now. I remind her that I, too, was once a kid, and while paying attention, sitting still and not talking were not exactly my strong suits, I assure her that I was very good at one thing: I was bribeable. My Matchbox collection was built predominately on fulfillment of good behavior in church. But my daughter collects American Girl dolls, and it's too pricey to bribe her with those every day. Hmmm ...

So I guess I will have to think of another option. I know that the examples my wife and I set will go a long way to teaching them how to act as adults. And I know that there will be some times in life where we just ignore behavior that we would never find ourselves exhibiting. It's all part of the process of growing up. Granted, we could avoid some of the headache if they'd just add chicken nuggets to the adult menu.

Totally totaled

It happened in a flash. I was on my way to meet my wife for lunch. I approached an intersection, with my light green. As I entered, I saw it out of the corner of my eye. A flash of red. And it was heading my way. Fast.

"Hey," I thought, "that car sure is going fa..." BOOM!

The collision was loud. And jarring. My air bags went off, and my car was spun around 180 degrees. When it stopped, I sat there, in a haze of airbag dust, trying to figure out what happened.

I opened my car door and stepped into the middle of the road. Our news director, Tim O'Briant, was in the car behind me and saw the whole thing happen. He pulled his vehicle into the intersection to block off the traffic, which was probably a good idea since I was walking around with jelly legs, doing the requisite stagger and stare at my car, saying, "Wha---what happened?"

I went over to the sidewalk and pulled my phone from my pocket and called my wife. I then looked at my hands and saw they were shaking like I had just ingested 68 espressos. I handed the phone to Tim, and said, "Here. Tell Jenn." In retrospect, I was kinda putting him on the spot.

The paramedics came over to check me and the other driver out. Miraculously, neither of us was seriously hurt. I was wobbly and still hacking up airbag dust but actually didn't feel any extreme pain. Amazingly, I wasn't even sore. I kept anticipating the pain, which fortunately never came, leaving me no choice but to every few hours remind my wife, "You know, I was in a wreck." She said I can do that for one week.

My car was totaled. Even I could have diagnosed that. (Clue 1: When the front of the car no longer exists, and the engine no longer appears to be connected to the vehicle, you are heading toward Totaled Town.) So, now, I begin the process of looking for a new car.

I keep cars for a long time (this one we had for 10 years; my previous car I drove for 12). With my daughter being 9, I am most likely buying her first car, which is possibly the most frightening thought I have had since it occurred to me that she will, at some point, date.

As I stood in the paint and body shop, retrieving the items from my vehicle, I was kinda surprised to find myself feeling a little, well, sad. My wife and I got this car before our daughter was born. We traded in her Mustang for the family cruiser. This was our "grown-up" car. (Ironically, the car that hit me was a Mustang. I guess it has exacted its revenge at last.) This was the car that we brought both of our children home in. This is the car I learned to sing "Chick-chicka-boom-boom" in. This is the car I drove from Florida to South Carolina with a 6-month-old screaming the entire way. (Didn't even take a breath.) This is the car in which I changed a diaper in a grocery store parking lot during a thunderstorm. This is the car where I first said the words, "STOP EATING THE SEAT BELT!"

So we are beginning the quest for a replacement. Fortunately, I have the advantage of expert opinions of most everyone I come in contact with, which includes "definitely buy a new car," "definitely buy a used car," "definitely lease," "definitely don't lease," "definitely get a truck," "definitely don't get a truck," "definitely get a horse and buggy," etc.

Truthfully, I don't know what I am going to do. The settlement is for what it would take to replace my 2000 Ford Explorer that had more than 100,000 miles on it with ... a 2000 Ford Explorer with more than 100,000 miles on it. Of all of the expert opinions, the one that has not been served up is to buy a 2000 Ford Explorer with more than 100,000 miles on it.

I am trying to look on the positives of this whole thing. For example, the potential of a new car led me to clean out the other half of the garage, where I can hopefully put a car, rather than what was a collection of basketballs, bicycles, bags of clothes to be donated and, for some reason, a box of plastic cowboy hats.

So here's hoping my next car, whatever it is, will be the foundation for a new series of memories. Wow, to think this could be the car my daughter takes on her first date. I'll remember it well. Because I'll be in the car, too.

Snow yeah!

It. Will. Not. Snow.

That is what I definitively told my wife last week, as she combed through a half a dozen weather forecasts, trying to figure out which one would give us the best chance for a snowball fight.

She asked me why I would say that. After all, she pointed out, I am a big fan of winter weather. I am almost as bad as the kids when it comes to anticipating the white stuff. The answer was simple: I was sick and tired of being disappointed. For probably six years, whenever it looked as if it might snow or ice, I got on the bandwagon - stockpile the pantry, get out the winter accessories, gas up the snowmobile. OK, we don't have a snowmobile. But if we did, rest assured it would be gassed up.

And each time we awoke with blue skies and temperatures in the mid 70s. It didn't matter what the forecast the day before was. There would be no snow, no ice, no nothing, save for me disappointed and having to explain to the kids that sleeping with their pajamas inside out didn't work because, well, they didn't want it enough.

So this time, when it became painfully clear that we were going to get some snow, I took the hard line stance. (I even had the headline ready should the snow not have happened: "Oh, snow, you didn't."

And I am fairly certain my contrarian position is what made it snow. So you're welcome.

To that point, some highlights of my snow day:

* Gravity can doom a snowman. By the time I got home, the kids had begun several snowmen in the backyard. My neighbor had crafted one that eventually stood around seven feet tall. It took three of us to get the midsection up. After about an hour, another neighbor and I noticed the snowman was leaning slightly. "How long do you give it?" he asked. "Thirty minutes?" I said. "Boom," said the snowman as it fell to the ground. "Guess not," my neighbor said.

* Some kids learn quicker than others. My neighborhood was crawling with adolescents looking for new and exciting ways to annihilate others with snow. I felt it necessary to refine their trades, teaching them the art of the lob-one-pelt-a-second-snowball tactic, as well as the shake-the-snowy-tree-branch. I was pleased to see one of the young students later bait a child under a tree and then send a large snowball into the branches above, raining a mini-avalanche down on him.

* Ice is good for a surgically repaired knee. At least this is what I told the two critics who said it was a bad idea to get on my knees and put Parker on my shoulders for a chicken snow fight against his buddy Haze. The initial ruling on the field was that Parker and I lost, but that decision is being appealed to the International Snow Chicken Congress.

* Don't go take a hot bath. I did not make this mistake this time, because I still vividly remember some time around 1980 when we got snow. I played outside in it for hours, and then, in an effort to warm up, ran inside, cranked up a hot bath, and jumped in. And immediately jumped out. Screaming. "Kids," I told them, "never risk a bath." "Kids," their mother told them, "never listen to your father. Warm up. And then get a bath. You're filthy."

* My neighbor learned this lesson: If you want to be hit with a snowball, step out of your car with four 12-year-old boys standing around and say, "DO NOT HIT ME WITH SNOWBALLS!" (OK, four 12-year-old boys and a 37-year-old neighbor. As I told my wife, "What? She can't ground me.")

The kids were a little bummed that the snow was gone by Sunday, but as I told them, it's more fun to have the snow come in quickly, enjoy a day of it and then move on rather than be chocked down for weeks on end with snow. I told them that once a year was a good frequency of wintry weather. So let's look forward to next year, when I guarantee - It. Will. Not. Snow.

Label up

Labels: They’re the answer to our problems.
My wife and I have embarked on a decluttering/organization mission, and my wife has decided that labels will solve the problems. This is how the conversation went:
ME: So a lack of labels is why things get shoved in a drawer or left on the floor?
HER: Yes.
ME: Will we label the hamper “Dirty clothes” so they won’t be left on the floor?
HER: Yes.
ME: And that will work?
HER: Hey, I know what I could put on a label for you ...
ME: The children can hear you.
So we have begun pulling everything from every nook, cranny, closet, drawer and shelf. My wife is normally a very laid back, go-with-the-flow person, and a little disorder doesn’t affect her. It affects me to the point where I will walk around and make loud, rambling commentary which, based on a recent poll, is considered annoying by 75 percent of those in my household. But she decided we needed to take on the old “A place for everything and everything in its place” approach.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like we live in a house you’d see on “Hoarders.” Our house is a home. We live in it. And by “live in it” I mean there is the occasional dish on a coffee table or toy tied to the ceiling fan or shoe in a plant.
But then the label idea came around. She knew I was skeptical. But she told me to have faith. And by “have faith” I mean “zip it.”
She started in the bathroom, cleaning out a closet. This closet is home to medicine, cosmetics, towels, cleaning supplies, etc. First step? Everything came out. Everything. I did the sensible thing, which was to go to a different room. It was clear my wife was in a zone, and if I tried to help, I might find myself in the Big Black Trash Bag of Doom.
When I returned a while later (several days, I think), I was amazed at what I saw. If there was a magazine called “Insanely Organized Closets,” this could have been the cover shot. Everything was neat and orderly. And everything had a label on its shelf. Towels? Label. Cold medicine? Label and handy bin. Lotions? Labeled and arranged by height. For what it’s worth, I am amazed at how much lotion we own. If the entire populace of Toledo, Ohio, shows up with dry skin, I can help them out. (Side note: My label that read “Anal retentive closet” was rejected by the label commission.)
Next up was our bedroom. I was excited about this part because it gave me the chance to loudly proclaim, “If it is yours and in my room, get it out now, or I throw it out.” When the kids came in and saw the look on their mother’s face, Big Black Trash Bag of Doom in hand, toys got moving to their rooms. In fairness to the kids, I can’t really think of any time when they play in our room, so I am fairly certain the toys are coming in on their own.
After our room came the kids’ rooms, where we learned the valuable lesson: Don’t let the kids help. To them, nothing should be thrown out. Ever. A wheelless motorcycle? STILL PLAYING WITH THAT!!! Headless Incredibles toy from a fast-food restaurant? STILL PLAYING WITH THAT!!!! Piece of cardboard smeared with ... something? STILL PLAYING WITH THAT!!!
Oh, and the Big Black Trash Bag of Doom? “No, no, no, this is a DIFFERENT trash bag. We’re just holding things in there for the time being. That’s the Big Black Bag of Reconsideration and Toy Healing. So stop taking things out of it.”
As we continue to go through the house, I am amazed at how much stuff we have been able to get rid of and how much better the world is, in fact, with labels. A place for everything, and everything in its place. I guess she was right. Labels make the world a better place. Bring on Toledo.

It's electric(ity)

My love affair with electricity died about 12 years ago.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big fan of what it can do, in particular when it comes to popcorn poppers and the Wii. But I just don’t care to be up close and personal with it.
It happened when I went to change a light fixture more than a decade ago. I did all the right things – I turned off the breaker, I stood on top of the washing machine, I kicked one leg against a well to balance myself. You know, just like OSHA wants you to do.
And then I went to remove the light fixture, at which point I quickly found out that the breaker I had turned off had absolutely nothing to do with that light fixture.
From that point on, I pretty much vowed that if it was electric, it was either going to have to fix itself or stay broken. I was in no mood to get shocked again, and, more than likely, my neighbors were not interested in hearing my post-shock commentary again.
But, alas, all good things must come to an end, and it was clear that my good run of not being able to be shocked was about to be over when an electrical issue presented itself. And two things were very clear: (1) It was not going to fix itself and (2) with a little encouragement, a chimp could fix the problem, seeing as how it was simply fixing a broken light switch.
The light switch became inoperable when it came in contact with a 6-year-old. I am not sure exactly what happened, but I am finding that things that come in contact with 6-year-olds often end up in the broken category, yet without an explanation. If you pulled the switch out and wiggled it, you could get the light to come on. However, in order to get it to stay on, you would have to wedge something back behind the switch to keep the light on. I have operated a light switch or two. Pretty confident in my assessment of broken.
So I went to the home improvement store and went to the light switch aisle. There were two employees standing there. “I need a plain old light switch for a hall light.” They pointed to a box of plain old light switches. Easy as that.
I got home and decided to tackle the project. I wedged the broken switch on so that I could tell when the breaker was tripped. Using my cell phone, I called the house phone. I handed the phone to my daughter and told her to tell me when the light went off. After flipping several breakers, I was told the light was off. Upon entering the house, it became clear I should have pointed out a specific light.
Once that problem was solved, I went to work with my trusty screwdriver. In no time, I had the wall plate off and the light switch free. I had my son touch the wire to make sure the power was off.
Ha! Kidding. Once I got the switch out of the wall, I unscrewed the four wires. This was gonna be a snap. I pulled the new light switch out and noticed three screws. I had this conversation with myself:
ME: I guess I just wire two of the wires to one screw.
MY BRAIN: Seriously? You’re seriously thinking of that?
ME: Ye ... No.
I stared at the switch and then back at the wall a few times. Nothing changed.
So I headed back to the store. When I walked in, I explained to the employee my four wire/three screw dilemma. “Is it a three-way switch?” she asked.
“No,” I responded confidently. I then asked, “Wait, what do you mean?”
She asked me if more than one light switch controlled this light. I told her that, in fact, three switches controlled it. She looked at me with equal parts pity and disgust.
In no time, she had a three-way switch (which I think should be renamed four-screw switch, as that seems far more literal). When I got home, I wired it up in no time and before I knew it – voila – working light switch again.
I know it may not seem like that big of a deal, but trust me – when you loathe home improvement projects as much as I do, it’s a major accomplishment to begin a project, much less finish one, all without electrocuting myself. Now, time to tell my 6-year-old to stay away from anything electrical until he turns 7.

A year of learning

This year I learned a lot of things. I learned:
• That the grocery cart battle is not a futile one. Together, we can put up carts and shame others into it. And I learned how to keep my children from telling adults to put their carts up. Quickly.
• That adulthood begins at 9. That is the only explanation I can find for, “Dad, I’m not gonna order off the kids’ menu. I’m not a kid anymore.”
• That a major, overlooked milestone in a child’s life is the “OK, I’ll try it and see if I like it.”
• That no matter how much you yell at fleas, they do not go away. You have to unleash chemical warfare on them, combined WITH the yelling.
• That Snuba – the hybrid of scuba and snorkeling – is the way to go check out reefs 30 feet below the surface.
• That if you are a week out of knee surgery, and Santa delivers a trampoline to your backyard, move away for a month. It’s for your own good.
• That the coolest three words a 9-year-old girl can hear as someone shakes her hand are, “Hi, I’m Miley.”
• That there are still decent people out there. A few days before Christmas – and a few days after my knee surgery – I was hobbling out to my car, pushing my wife’s bike/Christmas present to the car. My son, bless his heart, was helping as he could. When I got to the car, a man walking by said, “Lemme help you” and helped me load the bike into the car.
• That those types of things don’t happen enough. I was at the grocery the other day and saw a woman straining to reach a bag of cat food on the top shelf. When I handed it to her, she said, “Oh, I thought you were going for the same thing.” I responded, “No, just taller than you and grabbing it for you.” Her response: “Wow, that doesn’t happen often.” That should happen more often.
• That an alligator’s tail can loosen a child’s tooth.
• That family time is not reserved for holidays. During an evening in September, my family was trying to work out details of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m 37 and the youngest of four kids, and we were all sitting there with my folks, my wife, my in-laws, my kids and my nephews. We were all trying to formalize plans to all get together. When we were all together. On a random Tuesday. And that is awesome.
• That life is better when Alabama football is ... well, Alabama football. At least, it is for me.
• That the Discovery Channel’s “Boom De Ya Da” commercial is audio hypnosis for small children.
• That loop roller coasters were put on this planet to remind you that man’s greatest achievements continue to be in the Field of Awesome Things.
• That pulling off the side of the road of a busy Florida highway so your kids can see a roadkill python is looked at strangely by other motorists.
• That the iPhone will be one of those change-the-world signature devices. I should have invented it.
• That Anne Frank died of typhus. I am not quite sure how that came up in conversation.
• That the best way to fix a burger is topped with a fried egg.
• That utility companies can go where they want, when they want and cut down your fence if it’s in the way.
• That my childhood can make some blockbuster movies. “Snorks: The Movie” cannot be far behind.
• That you can feel sorry for yourself if your last six weeks include a hospitalization, a family helping of swine flu, a broken HVAC unit and knee surgery. And then you can look around and realize there are plenty of people who would gladly trade for my troubles. As I often tell my kids, “You’re right. It’s not fair. And you don’t want the world to be fair, because it’s not fair in your favor.”
Happy 2010, everybody.

A warm gift

Call me a hopeless romantic. Try as I wanted, there was no way I was going to be able to hold off giving my wife her Christmas present early.

And she felt the same way. Our gifts simply could not wait until Dec. 25.

Plus, the downstairs was freezing, and we needed the heater working again.

Yes, my wife and I have given the mutual gift of a downstairs heating unit. It's "The Gift of the Magi" for boring married people.

We discovered it was broken back in October when a cool spell hit, and I went to turn on the downstairs unit.

We have mainly hardwood floors downstairs, and here's a little know trait of hardwoods - when temperatures dip below 75, hardwood turns to ice. It can be a springlike 72 outside, and my den is suitable to hang meat.

When I turned on the unit, it did nothing. But that was not unusual, as it would often take anywhere from 10 seconds to an hour to cut on. Several people told me that was not normal. I told them that if I can ignore it, so can they.

But this time there would be no cutting on. The closest it came was a clicking at the thermostat.

I called the heating repair folks, and they came out for what I hoped would be our usual drill. (That's where they come and look at the machine, tell me that I have to turn it to "heat" and then charge me a $60 dummy tax.)

Not this time. I was informed I had a cracked heat exchanger, which, in addition to making my unit inoperable, can apparently also pump scads of carbon monoxide into my home.

Wow, it's cold inside AND it's as if an idling Ford Pinto is parked in my den - double win!

I asked him how much it would be to fix the heater. He looked at me with one those, "Oh, you poor thing" looks.

I knew it was not good.

Granted, I was not surprised that the unit was going to have to be replaced. Best I can tell, the unit was actually constructed in the 1930s, and our house was built around it some 50 years later.

Trying to find a bright side, I noted that it was right around the time of my wife's birthday, so I could get her that for a present. Not so fast. My wife decided she had other plans for her birthday, namely getting sick and having to go into the hospital for a three-day stay. Nothing but high-ticket items for my gal.

So the heater went to the back burner (ha!). I used a couple of space heaters to keep the kitchen warm, and generally avoided the rest of the house. When the kids would complain that the den was cold, I would tell them that they are just like the pioneers, braving a sub-70 den to watch Tivo'd SpongeBob. It's that kind of fortitude that built this country. After about six weeks of not having a heater, I had experienced all of the fortitude I cared to. The heating folks came out with a new unit.

It's a Carrier, so named, I believe, because it is the size of an aircraft carrier. They also installed a fancy new digital thermostat that, I am fairly certain, was used as a prop on the latest "Star Trek" movie.

They showed my wife how to use it, and she showed me. We had this conversation:

HER: You can even set it for both heat and cool to come on.

ME: Why would you do that?

HER: In case the temperature fluctuates.

ME: Do you really think that's going to be a problem?

Fortunately, it also has a manual mode, in which I can push one of four delightful options: heat, cool, an up arrow and a down arrow.

Yes, I know I can set it to come on automatically and do all kinds of fancy tricks. I can also get up in the morning and cut it on. I feel confident it will heat up in short order. I'm not trying to warm up the Biltmore House.

So now that my wife and I have settled in with our cozy warm downstairs Christmas gift, we can enjoy the holidays in comfort. And then I will look forward to Valentine's Day. I'm thinking of getting her the matching upstairs unit.

The Mayor

Just call me Mayor. That's right. Mayor. Of Bedford Falls. Yes, that Bedford Falls. You see, I've been in the Aiken Community Playhouse performance of "It's a Wonderful Life: The Musical," for which we started rehearsing, by my recollection, some time around 1982.

The Mayor role is a small part, which is fine, since this is a musical, and those with big parts in musicals should be able to, oh, I don't know, maybe sing? My only singing role ever was in my senior class play, in which I was cast in the role of a camp counselor who could not sing on key. I apparently nailed the audition. There is also dancing in this play. Several years ago, my wife banned me from trying to do the electric slide at weddings. That's right - I cannot do a dance that the 90-year-old great-grandmother of the bride can do. I think we can go ahead and sit out the dance scenes, too.

As we head into our final week of performances, I thought I would share a few things I have discovered during the show's run:

* It's really cool to be in a play with both of your kids. You know why? Because they play two of the Bailey kids, so, as I tell them when we walk in the door, "Hey, don't come to me with your problems. Go find George Bailey. He's your dad now."

* Intermission. It's called intermission. People tend to look at you funny when you refer to the show's halftime. On a similar note - dressing room, not locker room.

* Some people think it takes courage to get on stage. You know what takes courage - to be one of the three or four folks - including my wife - in charge of wranglin' a children's cast of about 30 kids, sometimes until 11 at night. Medieval knights didn't have to exhibit that kind of bravery.

* It snows in this play. Every night. Now, if we can make it snow inside of a building, can it be that hard to make it snow every Christmas, at least in my yard?

* This play has done what I thought was the impossible: It has finally pushed several of the songs from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" from my head. Oh, wait. Shouldn't have done that. They're back. Dangit.

* It's nice that, when someone asks, I can tell them I have been doing this since the 1980s. So what if I fail to mention that little 20-year gap when I didn't get on stage. Our little secret.

* The Mayor of a New York town in the 1940s did not wear New Balance hiking boots. Fortunately, my wife was able to get home and get my other shoes before the curtain opening on that night.

* If an actor goes on stage with a cell phone in his pocket, and it goes off midscene and the ring tone is a chicken clucking, then know this: The time that ceases to be a source of jokes and ribbing is just after the Earth crashes into the sun.

* One of the best things about being in a play: Food. There is always food. Add bunches of kids and the Bag of Snacky Goodness, and lawdy it's good-eating time. Fast fact: The longest a pizza has survived a set-build: 11 seconds.

* Speaking of set-build, you will be pleased to know that, despite using several power tools over the course of the set construction, I still have 10 - count 'em , 10 - fingers. I would guess I have used up my power tool karma, and will now not pick up another one again until some time around 2018.

* The message of the show, I was gently reminded, is NOT: "If you have a forgetful relative, end it all."

* With a cast and crew of around 60 people, you never really know what you're getting into. While I wasn't expecting folks to split into rival gangs or anything, you never know the dynamics that will form when you get that many people together. The great part - it's a fantastic group of talented people who have fun, enjoy each others' company, pick each other up when they need it and are just a generally nice collection of folks.

I'm lucky to have spent this time with them. I just hope they re-elect me.

Eye got it

While there are plenty of things that you never want to hear your children say, I've got one near the top: "I THINK I POKED MY EYEBALL OUT!"

Yes, nothing enlivens a day of fun like gouging out your eye.

It happened at my parents' house. The kids were playing in a neighbor's magnolia tree, which is possibly the finest climbing tree ever assembled. From the din of play, I heard Parker scream.

Parker is a tough dude, and he usually doesn't overreact when it comes to being hurt.

Quick side story: About a week ago, he was running through the yard when he tripped over a ladder that was lying on the ground. He took a pretty good tumble, so I went to check on him with two of my sisters trailing me.

When I got down there, I found Parker lying on his stomach, and saw his foot turned in an incredibly unnatural way away from his body. When I grabbed his leg, I saw his foot flop to the ground. "OHMIGOD!!!" I yelled, thinking my son had suffered a Joe Theisman wound. No, turns out his shoe had come off. No foot inside of it. Way to stay cool, Mike.

So back to the eye poke: I made my way over there quickly, really hoping I wasn't going to find his eyeball rolling around on the ground.

Fortunately, the eyeball was still in his head. But he had run into a stick, which had jabbed in the corner of his eye. When he would take his hand away from his face, I could see it was bleeding. Yech.

I rushed Parker inside. My wife knew it was serious, as I normally respond to injuries thusly: "You'll be fine." He kept saying that he thought his eyeball was out. We assured him it was there.

Once we got him to sit still for a little bit, we were able to flush out his eye and - brace yourself - get the splinter out of his eyeball. I am fairly certain that "eyeball splinter" ranks high on the unwanted scale.

My wife decided that, even though I am one of the finest eyeball splinter technicians in the world, he should probably have an actual doctor look at him.

For what it's worth, the doctor, with all of that fancy medical school training, also diagnosed that his eyeball was, in fact, still in his head.

Parker was given some antibiotic eye drops, which he takes without any problem.

I am not sure how he does this, as I am 37 and still have a hard time putting in eye drops. Sad when you realize your 6-year-old is tougher than you.

He said his eyesight is still a little fuzzy, which will hopefully clear up soon. And, in the evenings, when he gets really tired, he sometimes says his eye hurts.

Not sure if that is because of the evil stick attack, or because he's 6 and tired.

Because no matter how tough you are, when you're 6 and tired, it sometimes feels like your eyeball fell out.

Giving Thanks

So tomorrow we all sit down for turkey and stuffing and football and such. Thus, it is time to unveil my federally required thankful column. So, I am thankful:

* for the fact that one column per year requires no thinking whatsoever, unlike those other 51, which were clearly the product of a team of geniuses working around the clock to produce brilliant commentary on things such as how I got stuck on the roof and how you can take a play fort down with an ax in under a half hour.

* that cleaning up the house can involve the phrase, "Just put the crayons in the sombrero."

* that my kids have a sense of humor. For example, when my son, Parker, was sick with the flu, we went to put on his shoes. In his shoe, he found a small plastic pig. His comment: "Why is there a pig inside of my shoe? Oooh, maybe because I have the pig flu." Allie, meanwhile, often comes up with creative ways to, say, give away her brother.

* that my car still runs, and I fixed the last mechanical glitch, which could have cost me $1,500, with a couple of quarts of oil. Did it make the problem go away? No. Did it make the sound reminding me of the problem go away? Yes. Yes it did.

* that at least a few times a month, I have this feeling rush over me that says, "You know, it doesn't actually matter if the shoes get put up in the closet."

* that every few months the shoes actually get put up.

* that the good folks at Krazy Glue figured out that they could sell four one-time-use tubes instead of one big tube that would get used once and then become a rock-solid chunk of unusable metal and glue that you would find the next time you needed Krazy Glue.

* that my dogs want more than anything to go upstairs and climb on the bed. Even if they aren't allowed up there (and even though Maggie the Attack Basset couldn't do it given the chance), it's nice to know you're in demand.

* that my kids still like being around me, although I am sensing that the window may be short with a certain fourth-grader who has already informed me that she cannot order from the kids menu anymore because, as she said, "Dad, I'm not a kid."

* that I have become so brutally organized with Christmas decorations that I can get them put up in no time whatsoever, and can flip a switch on Friday to have them shining bright.

* that I have learned to be patient and say, "Yes, dear" as my wife has me redo all of the Christmas decorations for the bulk of Saturday.

* for Rich Rodriguez, who decided not to coach Alabama.

* that my wife and I took the kids on a Christmas wish-list trip to Toys "R" Us. Granted, it turned into us channeling our wish lists from 1982 ("Oooh, put this on your list!"), but why shouldn't they know the joy of light sabers and My Little Pony?

* that I have a wife who gets mad only if I don't give an honest opinion, even if that opinion is, "I really don't care which shirt you wear. They both look the same to me."

* that I have an evil cat who hates everyone but me. Not thankful that she is evil and hates everyone else. Just glad she likes me.

* that Carl Kasell, while retiring from Morning Edition, will still be on "Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me," as I would gamble that there is not a funnier 75-year-old man doing impersonations of Sarah Palin, Bill Clinton or Kim Jong Il.

* that I have been fortunate enough to write this column each week for 13 years. If nothing else, it's kept my team of geniuses employed.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, deer

I am sure you’ve been asked the question a thousand times: “Dad, is this the place where the deer ate my hair?”
And I am sure you answered as I did: “Yes, and your popcorn.”
My family and I took a weekend trip to visit family in Atlanta, and one of the stops on the journey was the scene of the aforementioned deer hair/popcorn incident. But more on that later.
Our first stop in Atlanta was at a Red Robin restaurant. I had never eaten at one, but had been told good things. I consider myself the world’s foremost expert on hamburgers – even more so than the Hamburglar – and know a good burger. I told my wife that I was somewhat concerned when we drove past a Fuddrucker’s and a Steak ’n Shake to get to Red Robin. I tell you that because I think I have come up with Red Robin’s new slogan: “You will drive past a Fuddrucker’s and a Steak ’n Shake to get to a Red Robin.” And I don’t mean that as a slight to those two places, which are outstanding burger places. But at Red Robin, I ordered the Royal Red Robin – a burger topped with a fried egg and bacon. It’s like eating a delicious barnyard. Any place that offers an onion ring tower is OK by me.
The next day, we started our morning by heading to Ikea. I am sure most of your are familiar with the Swedish furniture company. But unless you have been to the store, you cannot fathom the awesomeness that encompasses an Ikea store. Sure there are tons of cool stuff for relatively cheap. But here’s the key part of an Ikea store – they have a place to check your kids.
Seriously. You just give ’em your kids, and they take them. No questions asked (not even “Do they bite?”)
Now I know some of you would be concerned with dropping off your children at a Swedish department store, but I assure you there is nothing to worry about, as the Swedish have a long and storied history of caring for children while people shop. I assume.
Once the kids’ allotted time in the care of the Ikea folks, I suggested that my father-in-law and I break away with the kids for some Atlanta adventurin’. Surprisingly, my wife and mother-in-law agreed to this, and they quickly disappeared into the Swedish landscape.
We decided that we would go to Yellow River Game Ranch, where Parker became lunch for a deer about four years ago. Yellow River is an animal reserve near Atlanta where you can mill about among deer, peacocks, rabbits, goats, etc. There are also bears, buffalo, cougars and foxes, but they have wisely opted not to have those mingle with the visitors.
On our previous visit, Parker was in a stroller. As we sat and oohed and awed at his adorable sister (“Awww – she said ‘wabbit!!!’” we shared with everyone around who kindly didn’t throw apples at us for extreme parental cuteness and fuzzy wuzziness.), Parker was not very verbal at that point, save for a series of grunts and squawks. After about two minutes of trying to get our attention, we turned to see a deer that had finished off his popcorn and had moved on to his hair. Now that he’s older, and quite the animal fanatic, we decided it was Parker’s turn. It was Yellow River II: Parker’s Reckoning. Parker didn’t actually have a memory of the game ranch, but rather had heard us tell the story on occasion, mainly every time we would see a deer and scream, “PARKER, COVER YOUR HAIR – THE DEER’S COMING TO FINISH THE JOB!!!” And then we’d laugh. Except for Parker.
Ha! I kid, I kid. Parker loves animals, and was in hog heaven milling about among the beasties. Even his sister, who is normally quite fine with watching animals from afar, enjoyed getting to pet the friendly deer. I was pleased that we were able to take back new memories of the animals and their interactions. And, as with any good interaction with animals, it’s always a bonus to be able to show the kids – up close and personal – all the things that were on your burger the night before.

The Efficient

I try not to be nasty. I really do.
So that’s why with today’s column, I am not going to call out people for their inability to return a shopping cart or their complete disregard for the item count at the grocery express lane or their purchasing 11 meals – all paid separately – at a drive through window.
No, instead, we focus on the promise of a new tomorrow. A bright tomorrow. A tomorrow of … efficiency.
It is time we as a nation focus on the one critical oversight of attention that we need to work on: Rewarding The Efficient.
The Efficient are what keep the country humming along. The Efficient are the ones that make your life easier, because they are so … what’s the word … I’m gonna go with efficient.
I am proud to be a member of The Efficient. And I have decided that, rather than gnashing my teeth and having a four-digit blood pressure when trapped behind The Inefficient, it is time we as a nation step up and develop a federally mandated Efficiency Lane.
These lanes would be installed at countless institutions around the country. Those who have passed the federally mandated efficiency test are the only ones who would be allowed to use them. We’d even have a snappy – and dare I say efficient – ID card. Among the perks of being a card holder:
• An exclusive grocery store line, wherein you have proven that, not only do you have fewer than 15 items, you can check out without the help of the cashier, and you know the four-digit code for onions and bananas.
• A pharmacy drop-off window where you simply are dropping off your prescription. Date of birth? Oh, The Efficient have already written it on there for you.
• A convenience store line where you have sworn, via blood-oath, that you will not scratch off your lottery ticket in line or fish through your pockets to try to find that lone penny for the $4.01 purchase. The Efficient? Penny in hand, my friend.
• A fast-food lane for people who want the regular ol’ No. 1 or No. 3, with just a Coke and the usual fries. No pickles, extra mustard, a medium Sprite with half-ice? Oooh, sorry …
• A reward system in which you get 10 percent off of your purchase if you pull into the first parking place you come to, rather than circle the block and hold up traffic while you wait for a parking place a whopping 20 feet closer.
• A special lane at all schools when you can jettison your children – backpacks attached – by merely slowing down. No long goodbyes. No struggling to undo seat belts. Adios, amigos. See you this afternoon.
Now I am sure many of you are saying, “Mike, why so uptight?” To which I say, “Are you the one who had an overflowing cart of grocery items – enough to feed the Denver Broncos for two weeks – at the self check-out line, creating a backlog of poor members of The Efficient just wanting to roll through the line with a single pack of cheese?
Or perhaps the one who debated the cost of your prescription – and yelled at the clerk about the cost of the medicine, the clerk who is about as far away from setting those costs as Yogi Berra?
Ooh, wait, are you the one who arrived at the front of a McDonald’s line and seemed somewhat overwhelmed by the menu and even asked what’s on a Quarter Pounder?”
If you answered no to any of these questions, I suppose an apology is in order. But if you answered yes, sorry – out of The Efficient line.
The point is, I am The Efficient. It’s the closest thing to a superpower I have. I can breeze through a checkout line, if I am unencumbered by The Inefficient. I am lightning at a fast-food restaurant.
I am practically Rain Man when it comes to figuring out that giving the clerk $5.11 for a $4.61 purchase will net me 50 cents in change, rather than that cumbersome 39 cents of a simple, inefficient fiver.
Perhaps someday, The Efficient will be recognized for our contributions. That will be a good day.
I think I’ll reward myself, with a No. 1 with a Coke.

Everybody was Kung Fu fighting

Sometimes I like to reflect on the good old days.
You know, the times when bedtime didn’t involve the phrase, “NO KUNG FU!”

When my son was little, his bedtime was this:
1. Wait until 7 p.m.
2. Note that he had fallen asleep wherever he happened to be.
3. Put him in his bed.
4. Wait until morning.
This lasted until a few months ago.
For some reason, he decided that bedtime should now be part chase, part mixed martial arts exhibition.

Here’s how it now goes:
1. Tell Parker it’s time for bed.
2. Have him say, “NOOOOO!!!” and sprint from the room.
3. Stalk him from room to room until you eventually run him into the other parent.
4. See a detailed kung fu demonstration, complete with loud “HI-YAs.”
5. Dive into the kung fu storm, grabbing him and throwing him over shoulder.
6. Put him in bed.
7. Read 206 books.
8. Get water.
9. Read 145 books.
10. Tell him that if he does not go to bed Gus the Fish gets it.

Now, I know what many of you are saying – you are saying, “He’s 6 – you can take him in kung fu!”
But others of you are saying, “You should put him in his room, tell him it’s bedtime, and be done with it.” Some of you even added, “Harrumph.” Yes, that would be nice. Let me know what massive sedatives that requires.
We have tried that approach.
Just a hunch, our neighbors are not fans, as they get to hear him scream “LET. ME. OUT.” over and over and over.
Once we can get him settled in the bed, we usually can get him headed toward sleepyville.
My wife has developed an effective technique with him.
He will set rather unreasonable bedtime demands, and she counters with brutal bargaining tactics and his lack of a concept of time.
PARKER: I. WANT. A. ROCKET. SHIP.
MY WIFE: Parker, you can’t have a rocket ship until you sit still and be quiet for four minutes.
PARKER: Two minutes.
MY WIFE: 42 minutes.
PARKER: OK, four.
He will then sit still for a few minutes, and most often, being zapped from his air kung fu, will crash.
On occasion, he will exceed the set time allotment.
He will ask if it has been four minutes.
Answer? Always no.
Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good kid. But he has been diagnosed with being 6 years old, a chronic ailment that inflicts 10 out of every 10 children his age.
Fortunately, there is a cure for it.
I have to remind myself there is a cure when I am watching my son stand on the dresser announcing that he is not, in fact, going to get down until he has ice cream (not some of the ice cream, but all of the ice cream).
Until that time, we will simply endure the nightly ritual.
We went through this with our daughter, and she eventually got over it. I am guessing he will, too.
I mean, if he is doing pretend kung fu the night before his SATs, we’ve got a lot of bigger fish to fry than bedtime.
He’s only 6 once. And how bad can it really be, when bedtime only lasts four minutes?

Garage redux

The phone call was brief:
MY WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: About to go into an interview.
MY WIFE: OK, call me when you can. The garage door exploded.
And click.
I don’t know about you, but I do not have a standard response for an exploding garage door.
Eventually, I finished with the interview and made contact with my wife. She informed me that the door had fallen off of the track and kindly dropped a huge pane of glass on the garage floor.
Fortunately, my wife was out of the garage when this happened. Unfortunately, it happened.
When I got home, I saw the damage. The top half of the garage door was just hanging there, looking like the world’s largest and ugliest accordion. Broken glass started in my garage and extended roughly to Minneapolis. If you have shards of broken glass in your yard, my apologies.
My first step was to see if I could get the door back down. The bottom was about 4 feet off the ground. Of course, as my wife pointed out, it was hardly a safety concern, as the enormous spread of broken glass would serve as a deterrent to anyone looking to enter our garage. It would certainly keep away the dreaded Barefoot Burglar, assuming he exists.
I began to sweep up the glass that was spread all over the place. I noticed that there were still large chunks of glass stuck in the window. Apparently, the jarring dislocation broke the pane of glass first, sending the bulk of it to the concrete. The rest stayed in the door, hanging over me in a way that said, “If you were smart, you wouldn’t keep standing there.”
Once the bulk of the glass was removed from the door, I went on to the next task, which was to fix the door. I grabbed my tools and went to work.
Ha! Anyone who knows me knows that had I done that, I would not be writing this column, but rather one titled, “How I became trapped in a garage door spring.”
I called a garage door repair company, who sent someone out. I was under the assumption that he would be coming out to give me estimates for a new door, as our current door looked very much unlike a garage door, and I was not sure that it could be repackaged in such a manner. Oh, me of little faith.
The man told me the door was in need of some TLC. He then said, “You realize you’re missing a bunch of screws in the door, right? That’s why it wobbles and shakes and falls off the track.”
Now before you shake your head in condemnation, I have to ask, when is the last time you went out and did a screw head count on your garage door? You may have a garage door just waiting to crash down on you. So there.
He replaced a bunch of screws and a wheel here and a part there. It went up and down, and, while still a little wobbly, it was better than the collapsed, spraying-glass version of recent.
Apparently, the TLC wore off after about two weeks, when the garage went back into accordion mode. Because I am a slacker, I had not gotten around to replacing the glass. Thus, the Barefoot Bandit could have snuck in.
The company came back out, and the guy repairing it did some things with the track itself, and tightened this bolt and that screw and what not. It seemed to work better than it had in some time.
I have no clue how long the current repair will last. I suppose we should start a household garage replacement fund, should the TLC approach no longer be effective.
Of course, should it break again, at least I can be almost certain of one thing – I probably won’t have gotten around to replacing the glass, so I can at least avoid that.

Kneed to know

Gotta say – not a fan of walking with a limp.
I have been doing so for about a week, after I injured my knee doing ... well ... I woke up last week and noticed an intense pain in my knee. I considered my previous activities and how I could have hurt it. My recent physical activity:
1. Lie in bed for about five days with the flu.
2. That is all.
OK, so not the most strenuous calendar.
My wife told me I needed to go to a doctor, mainly because she was tired of me falling to the ground and moaning every few steps. I have had sore knees like most anyone, but this was different, so I conceded I should probably have someone check it out.
When I arrived at the orthopedist’s office, I had to fill out my paperwork. One of the questions asked me how I had treated my injury. I answered “Limping, complaining.” I don’t think they were impressed.
I was sent for X-rays on my knees, which came with the added bonus of getting to take off my pants and don an awesome paper gown. I asked the nurse if I could just pull up my pants leg. She told me no. I asked her if this was just a little game to see how goofy they could make me look. On the second X-ray, would they say, “OK, we’re gonna need you to put on this Cher wig, too.” She admitted nothing, but I am on to her.
When the doctor came in, he told me the X-rays were fine. He asked me what physical activity I had done recently, and I told him about my aggressive bed lying. He did not think that was a common cause of knee injuries.
More than likely, he said, I have a torn meniscus, albeit a minor one. For those of you who are not doctors, a meniscus is part of your knee that, when torn, turns into a large buck knife that stabs the inside of your leg every time you move it.
In some ways, I was a little disappointed that there was nothing hugely obvious to see on the X-ray. I kinda wanted him to come in and say, “Clearly, you have been mauled by wolverines. How are you still alive? This is the most serious knee injury ever. I would like to submit your case to the medical journal ‘I Survived an Unsurvivable Knee Injury, Possibly from Wolverine Attack.’”
The doctor gave me a prescription and some exercises to do. The prescription is, I am told, a steroid, so I expect to lift a car and throw it angrily at someone any day now.
After the first couple of days of taking the medicine and doing the exercises, I did notice an improvement in my knee. And then I found an awesome way of setting back any progress I had made. On day three, my knee was feeling better than it had felt before the wolverine attack. I was making sure that I was treating it gingerly and not putting any undue strain on it. And then the rains came. When I was walking to my car, there was a nice puddle in the parking lot. I could have walked around it. I could have stepped in it and gotten my shoe wet. I could have gone back inside and waited until the rain eased up. No, those are sane responses.
Instead, I went into uber-guy mode. I leaped. Gotta clear the puddle. Somewhere about midjump, my brain said, “Hey, remember how you can hardly walk up stairs right now? And you’re about to land on that leg. Good call, genius.”
And so my leap started to end, with my left leg planting on the asphalt. My knee and my brain had a quick conversation. “Ouch,” my knee said, adding, “I quit.” And so my knee began to buckle, and it appeared I had only two choices: 1) Limp and scream and wail at the pain or 2) fall onto the wet asphalt and scream and wail.
Finding neither of those preferable, I opted for the wildcard option, which was to limp to my car, drive home and complain to my wife. She asked me what happened. I told her I jumped a puddle. She sighed.
So it’s clear that my knee needs some TLC to get better, and I will have to make an effort to ensure that happens. I am tired of limping everywhere and tired of having a hard time getting up stairs and such. (Although this does help my case for installation of a fire pole at home.) Hopefully, this will all be healed up soon. Of course, if it’s not, I can always rely on the time-honored medical tradition of limping. And complaining.

A real chore

So I'm working on a chore list.

My kids are 6 and 9, and my wife and I decided it was time for them to take an active role in the upkeep of the house.

We have always had expectations that our kids would take a part in the household upkeep.

We might as well have had expectations that they would turn into aardvarks because it was as likely to happen.

It's not that my kids don't help. It's that kids don't see a messy house the same way adults do.

For example, when I walk through the house in the evenings, I will often say things such as:

* "Why is there a shoe in the den and another one in the microwave?"

* "Who eats cereal in the bathroom!?!?!?!?"

* "Why are there dinosaurs in the dishwasher?"

So my kids aren't the best housekeepers. But we sat them down the other day and explained to them that we were going to start having chore lists. They expressed their excitement for this by, in unison, saying, "NOOOOO!!!!!"

I told them that we all have to take a part in keeping the house up because we all live here. They responded, "NOOOOO!!!!!"

Not the best cheerleaders for Team House Clean.

I explained to them that taking care of your house showed respect for your house and that everyone in the family played an integral part in making sure that we lived in an environment we could be proud of, one that we wanted to invite others to be a part of. Their blank stares were an inspiration to blank stares everywhere.

My wife saved the moment. "We'll give you an allowance," she said.

Amazingly, they were suddenly on board.

So the first thing to do was to come up with the chores that would comprise the list.

The kids began offering up their suggestions of how they could best be utilized in the new chore list/allowance world they lived in.

Allie said that she would really like to be in charge of the den. "Uh, Allie," I said, "is that because that's the room where the TV is?"

She began a detailed explanation of how, while TV was in fact in that room, that would actually help her clean BETTER.

Parker opted to clean the driveway. On his scooter.

Clearly, my wife and I needed to drive this bus.

We decided that we will come up with a handful of standard to-dos - make beds, put dirty clothes in hamper, get cereal bowl out of bathroom. The other chores would rotate.

The kids asked us what kind of chores these would be.

The first I offered up was rounding up all of the toys each day and making sure they were put in their proper places.

"But what if they're Parker's toys?" Allie asked.

It was at that point that I launched into my well-rehearsed soliloquy about how there was NOTHING downstairs that was mine, yet I clean it up, and how I was pretty sure that I had not worn ANYONE'S Barbie tennis shoes, yet they still find homes, and how I don't recall wearing Star Wars pajamas, yet I put them in the hamper...

And then my wife stepped in, moved me to the side, and, possibly, slipped me some medication.

My wife, who as you can see is the sane parent, explained to the kids that there would be a rotating list of chores that we would all take part in, and some days you may take your brother's shoes upstairs and some days you make take your sister's books upstairs, but in the end, we would all be a better household because we were all working together. I stood by and twitched a little bit.

Hopefully, our chore plan will go smoothly, and the kids will, in no time, feel that they are an important part of keeping a house running.

In the long run, our house and our kids will all be better for it. And maybe we can keep the dinosaurs out of the dishwasher.

The flu

I'm sick.

I know what you're saying. Oh, hangnail? Sniffles? Blister?

No, I can tell you that I am actually sick this time, and prove it to you: I am not complaining, and I've stayed home from work for two days.

As I am sure you have read over the years, I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to the minor ailments in life. I moan and groan and act like a giant baby, which my wife just simply loves.

But this time is different. I am sick, sick, sick. There is no complaining. Can't complain when you are unconscious for 54 of a consecutive 60 hours. I have the flu or a flu-like virus.

Doesn't really matter because it has laid me out with a major league haymaker.

It's kinda like the guy who is standing there in front of the pile of rubble that used to be his house, and the reporter asks, "Do you think it was a tornado?" Does it matter?

I went to bed Saturday night, not realizing what was in store for me. I woke up around 5 a.m. and noticed I was soaking wet. I mean soaking.

I reached up to my forehead and felt sweat just streaming off my face. I was sweating like Louie Anderson in a cranked-up sauna. Not my typical Sunday morning.

I stood up at the side of the bed, sweat dripping down my face. I took a step. Wow, who knew someone was waiting to hit me in the left hip with a baseball bat.

Took another step. Right hip. I sat on the edge of the bed and decided to pass the time by coughing for the next hour, occasionally holding onto the dresser so that I did not hurl myself out of the window.

My wife woke up. "Are you OK?" she asked. "I'm finACKACKACKACKACK." I said.

I changed clothes and climbed back into bed. I slept off and on for a few more hours. Soon, the kids were up, and they apparently want breakfast every morning.

I opted to get up, hoping that being vertical would help.

It didn't.

I downed some medicine and headed back to bed. I woke up a few hours later, soaking wet again. This wasn't going to be good.

I decided to take my temperature. I don't remember the exact number, but it was somewhere around 120.

The rest of Sunday was pretty much the same - cough, sleep, sweat, medicate, repeat. It was the least enjoyable afternoon of Sunday football I can recall.

By late Sunday, I tried to eat something. Four saltines and I was stuffed. Back to sleep.

Sunday night/Monday morning was one of my more exhilarating night's sleep, because time had become a swirling warpzone of reality and NyQuil-based visions.

Several times I woke my wife up to ask her if various scenarios were taking place. ("Hey, did I just see Chevy Chase head to our kitchen to cook us eggs?")

Monday morning played out much the same way that Sunday did - sweaty, coughy, fevery and drowsy. It's like I was four rejected dwarfs.

One thing I noticed: I was told by a doctor to stay away from crowds, including work.

He told me the kids could stay at the house because, as he said, "You don't have bubonic plague."

But he said to avoid contact with them until I was better.

Turns out, when you sweat your clothes soaking wet four or five straight times, it's quite easy to have people avoid contact with you.

My wife, being as kind as possible, said on a few occasions, "So wouldn't a shower feel nice?" "Why not go take a hot shower?" She finally dropped subtleties. "Hey, you kinda smell like Peyton Manning's shoulder pads. Into the shower, stinky."

So I'm told that this thing can go anywhere from three to seven days. Seeing as how I am writing this on day three, I would greatly prefer it to be on this side of the estimate.

I'm going to continue trying to do this without complaining, because I need to be a soldier and brave my way through this.

Besides, I can't use up all my complaining. What happens if I get a hangnail?

Chronic nice

I often spend time in my column complaining about people who commit major societal infractions.
While not criminal acts (unfortunately), they are acts that are violations of the laws of civility, such as not returning a grocery cart to the proper spot or taking too many items to the express checkout or not waving a courtesy thanks when you someone lets you in traffic or conducting a 6-hour bank transaction at the ATM. That kind of thing.
So I feel I should give credit when credit is due, and it is certainly due after my trip through my kids’ school car pick-up line.
The kids get out of school at 2:15 p.m., and there is usually a pretty good line waiting to pick up kids by about 2 p.m.
I was midway back in the pack, having arrived for line about 2:05 p.m. (Side note: On Fridays, I help out in Parker’s class. I usually get there about 1ish, and there are often quite a few cars lined up, waiting for school to let out at 2:15 p.m. Personally, I think if you are going to get in line before 1:45 p.m., park the car, head to the office and say these words, “How can I help?” Just a hunch there is probably a volunteer task or two at the school that could be assigned. I’m just saying ...)
Anywho, I was in line around 2:05 p.m. and was using my time productively.
Because I was going to be sitting still for 10 minutes or so, I opted to work on cleaning my car. There was a substantial amount of trash in the backseat.
The reason for this is simple: I have kids, and clearly they fill their backpacks with refuse so that they can hide it on my floorboard when I am not looking. Of course, I could not go about my car cleaning task without some entertainment, so I cut the car off to where the engine was not running, but I could still play the radio. And it was kind of warm out, so I went ahead and cranked up the air to get some circulation going. I think you see where this is heading.
As I saw the first batch of cars heading out of school, I hopped in the driver’s seat and cranked the key. My car responded, “click click click click click click click click click click click.”
I said a word under my breath so that no one at the elementary school would hear. I shut off the air and the radio, as if this would somehow magically charge my battery. “Click click click click click click click click.”
I rolled up my back windows and tried again. “Click click click click click click.”
Admittedly, I have no idea what that was supposed to do. I could have tried it, say, with my shoes off. Same correlation to a dead battery.
At this point, time was of the essence. I had a matter of moments until the line started moving, and there was going to be a big block of an SUV sitting dead in the middle of the road, stalling the flow of the car line. I figured I would try and push the car out of the road so at least the line could keep going. I hopped out, and Nice Person No. 1 appeared.
The woman behind me saw what was happening. She began backing up as much as she could to give me room to back my car up. I pushed my car back a few feet so that I could get clearance to push it forward. When I started pushing forward, I made a stunning realization: SUVs are heavy.
Then, Nice Person No., 2 appeared. I caught the attention of a guy walking across the street. “Hey, can you give me a hand?” I called.
He jogged across the street and helped me push the car out of the way. He then offered to help me jump start the car, since his car was parked right there. Wow, two nices in one.
In a matter of seconds, our cars were hooked up by jumper cables. I gave one turn of the key, and my car started right up.
Of course, I was now out of the car line, set back a good 10 minutes from where I had originally been. I backed up the car, and enter Nice Person No. 3.
As I sat perched at an awkward angle on the edge of the road, the driver made a kind of pointing motion, asking if I would like to cut in front of her. I am guessing she saw me with my hood up moments prior and could deduce I was not just gaming the system.
When I pulled back into car line, I made sure to extend my arm and give a great big thank you wave, just to make sure she saw.
It was pretty amazing to have one of those daily headache experiences and still come away actually feeling pretty good about the day.
Some nice folks helped out and showed a little kindness to their common man.
Hopefully, someone will do something nice for them. Like take their grocery cart back for them.

New addition

It’s a girl!
Yes, the Gibbons family has a new addition, and she weighs in at ... I am guessing about the same weight as a golf ball.
Our newest addition is a red-footed tortoise that my parents gave my daughter for her birthday.
While her brother is the go-gettingest animal kid around, Allie has always been more reserved around animals, usually content to watch them from 10 to 12 rooms away.
So you can imagine our surprise when Allie came in contact with a small tortoise a while back (they met on the Internet), and she developed an intense love for tortoises.
The appeal of tortoises versus other reptiles is pretty easy to see.
For one thing, tortoises move at a speed comparable to that of a rock. Plus, they have these looks on their faces that say, “Hey, I’ve got no beef with you. Let’s just chill out and eat lettuce.”
When the tortoise arrived, Allie was immediately smitten. Her face lit up as she held the tortoise, examining her all over. “It’s a girl, isn’t it?” Uh, sure ...
The next step was to name the new tortoise.
After all, you can’t have a family member without a name. (Just ask our son, You There.)
Without hesitation, Allie said, “Her name is Glissa.”
Glissa, as you know, is the Icelandic goddess of merriment, who, in ancient lore, did battle with Frogoff and came to victory with the use of a lightning bolt made from a ram’s horn. Or it was a name my daughter pulled out of the air. I can’t remember.
One of the first things we had to do was find a suitable home for Glissa.
Allie suggested we construct an elaborate pen out back for her, as she would need room to roam. I reminded Allie that Glissa could roam three feet and it would be a long journey, so an aquarium would suffice for now.
Once we got Glissa set up in her new home, we had to find a suitable place to put it.
Allie wanted her on her dresser, but that was somewhat high up.
As I explained to her, she would not be able to feed her and visit with her up there.
Thus, Glissa lived in our kitchen for her first few weeks as a member of the Gibbons household. Rather fitting for our family, I suppose. “Hey, come on over for dinner. You’ll be seated next to the tortoise.”
I am pleased to report that Glissa has since made it to the dining room table. I anticipate her being on the den coffee table by Thanksgiving.
Glissa is an interesting creature.
I told my wife that Glissa has a personality akin to Maggie the Attack Basset. She is low-key, yet interested in those around her.
Glissa will come and check you out, and is certainly interested if you are bringing food. (I recommend grapes.)
She also has a habit of climbing up on her little house, making an about face and rolling off. I am guessing that accounts for excitement in a tortoise’s world.
So Glissa has settled in quite nicely.
Both of the kids – Allie and You There – like to get her out and let her roam around and explore.
One nice thing about having a tortoise – you REALLY have to be asleep at the switch to let one get away.
They are in no hurry to get anywhere. I have had bath towels conduct more aggressive escape maneuvers.
We are told that Glissa could live 50 years, and that she will eventually grow to more than a foot long. It’s kinda cool to think that my grandkids could have the opportunity to grow up with Glissa being part of their lives.
And if Glissa has always been part of their world, they will no doubt have a love of animals from the start. Just like Uncle You There.