For your viewing pleasure

You know how, when you buy things that need some assembly, they tell you what tools you would need? Well, I recommend the good folks at Sony edit their TV manuals to read, “Installation may require utility knife, skilsaw, hammer and two friends far smarter than you.”
OK, so maybe that should be just penciled in on my manual.
The need for a TV began a few months ago. My wife noted that, whenever someone was wearing red on the screen, they left this long trail whenever they moved across the screen. As a fan of Alabama football, this made games all the more interesting, especially when Bama was wearing the Crimson jerseys, as most plays turned into a psychedelic swirl on my screen.
My wife kept insisting that we need to fix it. I, of course, saw a bad television as a sign of weakness, an outright challenge to my masculinity. It would be like saying I had a bad lawn or slow car. (Wait. Crab grass + 1994 Honda Civic = bad example.)
Anywho, for weeks I denied that anything was wrong. “It’s probably just the show,” I would say. The only way that would have been the case is if we had been watching “Seizure-Inducing Red Swirl Theater.”
Eventually, I agreed to go shopping for a new TV with my wife. When we walked into the store, I tapped on the model that we needed and told my wife I would pay while she waited in the car. She then began to explain to me why we were not getting an $8,000 television, and that this is why she came shopping with me.
One factor that my wife kept in mind was size. I, of course, simply wanted the biggest possible one that could get through the front door. My wife, however, pointed out that the TV has to go in a cabinet that is built into our den wall. There is a wooden frame across the front of the opening, which gives us about 23 inches of clearance. The frame itself is about an inch high, so there is actually abut a 24-inch space, once you get past the frame. (If you follow that, more power to you. Simple terms: 23 inches, until you get INSIDE the cabinet. Then it’s 24 inches.)
The TV we picked out measures just a smidge over 23 inches tall. I assured my wife that we could wiggle, shimmy and finagle the TV into the spot, and it would be a perfectly snug fit.
When we got home, I enlisted my neighbor to help haul the TV in. Technology, it turns out, is very heavy.
When we got the TV inside, we lifted it out of the box and went to set it on the shelf. Clunk. Top of TV meet bottom of frame.
“Uh, did you measure before you go this?” my neighbor asked. I assured him I did. His look told me that he was not quite sure why I would measure, find it was too big, and still purchase the TV.
It was then I told him of my grand plans to tilt the TV and slip it under the lip. Apparently, he seemed amazed that I had no concept of living in a three-dimensional world, since I failed to consider the depth of the TV, and whether tilting it would be an option. As it turned out, it was not.
Another friend who had since been enlisted began to assess the situation. At this point, I opted for onlooker, because they were using phrases such as “load-bearing” and “support dowel” and “Mike’s a moron.”
The ultimate plan was to use a utility knife to break the glue seal and then use the saw to cut a thin slice where the frame piece connected, severing the dowels that had it secured in place. The frame would pop off, the TV would go in, and the frame could be replaced. They also insisted on taking off the doors of the cabinet. I think they were just showing off at that point.
When the frame popped off, I was amazed that the cabinet did not collapse into a pile of rubble, as it surely would have had I been helming the saw. The TV slid right in, and in no time I had a clean, clear picture streaming from my cabinet, with colors going where they are supposed to. It was a sight to behold.
The television is a nice upgrade from what we had, and I am definitely pleased that we were able to get it in place. When you get a new TV, you often don’t realize how bad the picture had been. It’s like I’m watching all new shows. Of course, “Seizure-Inducing Red Swirl Theater” is no longer must-see TV.