Feeling squirrely

The squirrels have won this round.
OK, so the squirrels have won every round. And I don’t see that changing.
It started when I first moved into my house about six years ago. Like any home in the area, the house came with the requisite infestation of 42 billion squirrels.
Fine enough, I decided. Big fan of animals. Have several. I know lots of people don’t like squirrels. They want to shoot them, trap them, poison them — all kinds of unpleasant demises for the furry critters.
I am not one of those people. Sure, on occasion I motion to a neighbor’s tree, suggesting that it is by far the most comfortable tree in the subdivision, or even tie Payday candy bars into said tree, but for the most part, I just adopt a live-and-let-live approach.
And then they started destroying by bird feeders.
My wife got me several bird feeders recently, because I decided our backyard was not infested with enough wildlife. I already had a couple of feeders out and would also spread seed along the railing to the deck. My wife was not a big fan of this because it looked, well, like I had spread bird seed all around the railing of the deck. It was especially nice after a rain, when the seed would settle into a lovely bird seed paste.
So my wife felt that our backyard sanctuary could be a little more aesthetically pleasing. This could be accomplished, she decided, with several ornate bird feeders strategically placed around the yard. I argued to her that we already had several bird feeders. Big ones. She explained that it was her opinion that a deck should not be considered a bird feeder, and that her opinion on this issue was correct.
The bird feeders she got were very nice, indeed. One was a tall, skinny cylinder with perches all around it. Another was a short, rounded one that had a ring around the bottom for the birds to sit on. The third suctioned right up to the big kitchen window so that you could enjoy your breakfast right there with nature. You, a bird and your heaping plate of eggs. OK, perhaps that could be awkward. Here’s hoping they wouldn’t notice.
Now, before I continue, let me say that I was not trying to outsmart the squirrels. You can’t outsmart the squirrels. Squirrels are the smartest creatures ever. It is widely known that squirrels can solve complex calculus equations, can correctly identify every constellation in the sky, and can rewire your cable so that you only receive Spanish-language televisions. This was an attempt to augment an already robust backyard wildlife sanctuary, squirrels included. All of God’s creatures are welcome. Except catfish. They’re creepy looking.
After I put up the feeders, I waited in anticipation of the first bird to arrive. And waited. And waited. And finally my wife said, “It’s 11 at night, and you put them up about four minutes ago. Did you expect a flock to come swooping in?” She of little faith.
So I went to bed, pretty convinced I would miss a huge convergence upon my new feeders. The next morning I woke up and guess what I saw — you guessed it, an uninvited catfish.
Ha! Little bird feeder humor there. No, what I saw was nothing, because it apparently takes several days for word to get around the bird community that Mike’s Bird Cafe is open.
But after a few days, they began to trickle in. Robins, cardinals, blue jays, and a few others. Nothing massive. Just a bird here and there. And then the squirrels found it. It was like a horde of Vikings raided my backyard. They were swinging on the feeders, jumping from one to the other, chewing at them like crazy. My dogs very nobly tried to defend the yard by either chasing one up a nearby pine tree or barking at something in the complete opposite direction. But there were too many of them. The next day, I went outside to inspect my feeders. The cylindrical one was empty, its contents spread on the ground below. The round one was also empty, holes chewed in the plastic so that it would never function as a bird feeder again. The only one they avoided was the one on the window. I think that is because I had my guard Parker on duty, and I told him to smack his oatmeal-caked hand on the window if a squirrel approached.
So I was somewhat bummed about the way they had treated my feeders, even though I have to say I wasn’t surprised. I went ahead and refilled the cylindrical feeder and left the empty round one hanging up there for some reason that I have yet to identify.
The one upside to all of this is that a few days later, the birds discovered that the ground was covered in seeds. Squirrels are apparently too good to eat seeds off the ground. Also, my dogs seem to care very little for birds, so they let them come and go. The other morning, my kids and I counted seven species and more than 50 birds in my backyard, most of them hopping along the ground, enjoying a squirrel-delivered snack.
I guess I will accept that bird feeders are actually squirrel feeders and not try to have a serene sanctuary in my trees. I’ll continue to spread the seeds around on the deck and the ground and hope the birds continue to visit. I will enjoy the squirrels as they visit, too. Hopefully, though, they will soon catch wind of the Paydays hanging next door.