Phase in

So a friend of mine from college is on month two of being a dad. I asked him what he had learned so far, and, among the many things, he said, “There is nothing in the world that compares to your child looking at you for the first time.”
Clearly, he is still in the AWWWWW!!! Phase. Being the cynical old coot that I am, I informed him that this adorable phase for new parents is, indeed, a time of deep and meaningful sentimental milestones. But it will pass. Sure, it still tugs at the heart strings when your kids go through signature events in life, but let’s be honest here – there are many more phases than your run-of-the-mill sitting up, taking a step, vomiting on a relative for the first time, etc. Among some of the phases parents will pass:
1. The “Crying? Don’t really hear it” Phase – It is emotionally wrenching for new parents to hear their new baby cry. You know what cures that? Having a second child. It used to tear me up to hear Allie cry. Parker? Not so much. There was no pacing the hall by his door, reaching for the door knob, trying to stop the compulsion to run in and grab him. Rather, my wife and I would have this conversation:
ME: Is he fed?
HER: Yep.
ME: Dry?
HER: Yep.
ME: Any wolves, cheetahs, griffins, etc. in the room?
HER: Nope.
ME: ’Night.
2. The Oatmeal Badge of Honor Phase – This comes shortly after the mini phase of “Spit is a Good Face Cleaner.” While you may have at one point cared about walking out of the house with a big streaking drool line down the back of your shirt, you know there is no point in changing clothes every time a baby leaves a little surprise on you. And sleeping kids? Love them some drooling. Walk into any store and check out the shoulder of most any parent of a small child there. Drool marks. And if you mention it to a parent in this phase, they will more than likely be happy to turn over the laundry duties to you, Mr. No Spittle on the Shoulder.
3. The Why Fight It? Phase – This is when you realize certain battles are not worth the fight. It is during this phase when you say things like:
“Fine. Smear it on your head. Some might actually get into your mouth and that will constitute breakfast.”
“Sure, you can wear a princess dress to school. But you do realize that GIRLS are princesses, right, son?”
“Hey, if that’s what you want to use for a pillow, fine. But your bed AND your head will smell like ham.”
4. The “You’ll Be Fine” Phase – When you are first a parent, the idea of your child hurting is gut wrenching. After a while, you realize that children are some of the clutziest creatures on the planet, and if you invest emotional involvement in every bump, scrape and ouchee, you will have nothing but worry. Case in point: The other day, Parker came to my wife and me and said, “I’m bleeding.” Both of us, without even looking, said, “You’ll be fine.” Guess what? He was fine. In fact, once we looked at it, we even debated with him whether you can technically even call a hangnail bleeding. (He says yes. We say no.)
5. The Defensive Posture Phase – This is also known as the “LEG SWIVEL BLOCK!!!! Phase” This is a phase that only the dads enter, and we learn it quickly as soon as our children become mobile. One solid headbutt will make you realize there is a definite design flaw in humans.
6. The “Love Me All You Want, But You’re Not Getting a Pony” Phase – Allie is 6, and has decided to turn affection into a bargaining chip. Yes, it’s all sweet and good and nice, but she has turned “I love yous” and “I want a hug” into the biggest manipulation tools. She will get out of bed or come out from her room that she’s supposed to be cleaning. When you ask her what she’s doing, she bats those Puss in Boots eyes and says, “I just wanted to give you a hug, daddy...” For what it’s worth, it no longer works. My response is usually something to the effect of: “You want a hug? Make your bed. Then come talk to me.”
7. The “Oh, It’s Fine. Just eat it” Phase – Much like the crying phase, having a second child helps you to enter this phase. I am not saying we rub everything in dirt before feeding to the kids, but some Crunch Berries bouncing onto the counter do not disqualify them from being put back into the cereal bowl.
8. The “Don’t Make Me Sell You” Phase – By the time your children get to be 4 or so, they are well versed in the ways of the world, and certainly know that parents cannot, in fact, return kids to the spaceship that brought them here; make a child sleep in the neighbor’s shed; serve them roasted possum for dinner. So, you can serve up threats that make you feel better, but that your child knows are so hyperbolic they are almost certain that you will not, in fact, mail them to the circus if they do not get off of the back of the sofa.
Sure, there are tons of phases in the same genre as the AWWWWW!!! Phase. But let’s be honest here – what do you have more instances of – first steps or first time your child tries to hide behind a couch and eat a whole can of Vienna sausages? Same here. Welcome to the Parental Acceptance Phase.