A-maze-ing

We were lost. I was willing to admit it, especially when I saw my daughter, Allie, drawing the words “HELP US” in huge letters in the dirt. Dire times.
But my wife was not going to take defeat. “This way,” she said. “And Parker, don’t pick the corn.”
Yes, we were well into a corn maze, which is far bigger than you think it will be. A reader sent me information on this particular maze, located in Gilbert, just off I-20 exit 51. (I am not positive, but I got the sense the reader felt confident that I would lose at least one if not two kids if I went.)
My wife and I had pitched around the idea of going for a while, and when a Saturday morning came free with nothing on the agenda, we decided it was time to take the challenge. We loaded up the kids and were there in no time. This particular corn maze is part of Maize Quest, a rather sprawling network of corn mazes around the country. From what I can gather from the website, if you have the land, they will come and build you a big ol’ corn maze just for you. Of course, you don’t have to stick with corn. As they tell you, “Fence mazes, rope mazes, stone mazes, cornfield mazes, labyrinths, mist mazes, bamboo mazes, hedge mazes, hybrid mazes.” In fact, at the farm in Gilbert, they also have a tire maze and a “marshmallow” maze, which I believe was comprised of bails of hay wrapped in white plastic. Or giant marshmallows, which if true is probably quite a sight after a heavy rain.
Anywho, the corn maze sprawls over eight acres. To give you an idea how big eight acres is, it is twice the size of a four-acre plot of land. The maze boasts three miles of pathways, which means you will, without a doubt, be carrying at least one child by the end of it.
This particular maze had a pirate theme, and from an aerial shot you could see that detailed pirate scene that had been carved out of the giant field of corn. In the middle of the corn were two observation decks, and a third, taller deck was at the perimeter. Each deck was staffed with people whose job it was to get you out of the maze should you become hopelessly lost. They arm you with a big flag that you wave when you are ready to quit. Or about to wet your pants. They offer different colors of flags, but I think they should just stick with white surrender flags.
You are given a map to start with, but you can only see the map when you hold it under red transparency. (It’s kinda like those fast food game pieces, only in this instance, you don’t win a Big Mac, but rather your freedom from a corn maze.) There are five stations throughout the maze that have map readers. So, if you can make it to the station, you can put your map under the reader and chart out the path to the next station, which leads to this conversation:
MY WIFE: OK, left, second right, third right, left, left, third right, double back, over the bridge, left, right, second right.
ME: Uh...
MY WIFE: Put down the flag.
Somehow, my wife managed to get us from station to station. She is a far better map reader than I am, so I took the role of chief distracter during map reads. My wife would be plotting our course, and I would be saying one of two things:
1. “Allie, it’s a grasshopper. It’s not going to ‘get you.’”
2. “Parker, it’s a grasshopper. Leave it alone.”
If you have a fear of grasshoppers, I would recommend against a corn maze. Grasshoppers love corn. Or mazes. But there are plenty of them.
When we got to the fifth and final station, my wife told me we were almost at the end. (And made me erase Allie’s “Help Us” sign.) Sure enough, following her lead, we soon saw the exit. After a little more than an hour, the kids sprinted out of the exit victorious. One of the workers the main observation deck announces via loudspeaker when you complete the maze, which the kids found very cool.
I highly recommend a day at the corn maze with your family. If I can go and not only complete the maze but also return with the same two children I entered the maze with, surely you can do this as well. They also let you do it at night, using flashlights. Yeah, no chance I don’t lose a kid that way. If you go, just remember to follow the map, work as a team and, most importantly, remember — the grasshoppers are not going to get you.
For more information, visit www.cornmaze.com.