Life lessons

Before my first child was born, my wife and I went to parenting classes. They taught us all kinds of valuable things such as the names of various body parts that I did not even know existed.
Sure, they touched on some of the basics of child care (you should feed them, etc.). Don’t get me wrong – it was all important information. It’s just that nothing can ever truly prepare you for being a parent.
It’s just something you have to experience, like the Grand Canyon or shingles. And now that I reflect on my years as a parent, I think it may be time to perhaps add some more sections to the classes.
Or, perhaps, another class, one that kicks in after your child can walk and talk (and therefore run from you and argue with you). Among those added sections:

1. Hairstyles for Little Girls: For those of you who are not females or fathers of daughters, you may not know that little girls’ hair contraptions are among the most complicated devices on the planet. Used incorrectly, they will inflict exceptional pain on a little girl, leaving you to try and convince her to wear a baseball cap to school.
2. Interpreting Children’s Clothes Sizes: I am still lost here, based on conversations such as this:
MY WIFE: Look at the tag. It says 6. So it’s for a 6-year-old.
ME: So I can get rid of the 5s and shelve the 7s?
MY WIFE: No, some of the 5s and 7s fit, too, and some of the 6s don’t.
ME:
I am guessing there is a better way to figure it out other than dressing your child and having your wife or mother or a random gas station attendant ask why you dressed your son in Capri pants.
3. Reasoning With Children: This would be a short section. “Don’t bother.”
4. Answering Impossible Questions: You don’t need to come up with an answer.
You just need to figure out a way out of it.
For example., the other day, my son said, “Daddy, if yellow and blue make green, what makes yellow?” “Excellent question!” I said. And then I followed up with, “Hey, let’s go buy a puppy!!!!”
5. Naming Pets: This would help you take proactive approaches to making sure you don’t have a goldfish named “Goldie,” a dog named “Doggie” or a Chewbacca action figure named “Yoda.”
6. Sports, and Why It’s OK Not to Start Them Out When They are Two Weeks Old: By my estimate, Allie was in roughly 8,000 organized sporting activities by the time she was 5. And when she finally said, “Uh, is it OK if I don’t play soccer/basketball/bobsledding this year?” we realized we were maybe stretching her a little thin.
Parker has done a few activities, but would much rather spend his time kicking around in the backyard climbing trees and looking for bugs.
Don’t get me wrong – if it works for your kid, great. But there’s nothing requiring you to put your child in sports from day one. It’ll wait. I promise.
7. Parenting Books, And What To Do When They Are Wrong: Parenting books are fine guides. But there will come a time when the book does not agree with your child. And you cannot reason with your child (see No. 3) and say, “Uh, yeah, you need to go back to sleep, because page 234 says that you should be sleeping through the night.” As a supplement to all of your parenting books, I recommend you pick up my best selling parenting advice which I will reprint in its entirety here: “Figure out what works for your kid. Do that. The End.”
8. What Baby Food Tastes Like: They should go ahead and just do a tasting so you get that little inquisition out of the way ASAP, rather than stretching it out for the duration of the food introduction. Oh, and in case you’re wondering – it tastes gross.
9. Screams of Pain, And How To Determine What Is Real: To the untrained ear, screams of children all sound equally horrible. But with a little work and practice, you will have no trouble determining the scream of “I am pretty sure my knee doesn’t bend this way” between the scream of “Hey, that’s my Barbie!”
10. Helping Siblings Get Along: If my wife had her say, this would be the part where you learn to sit down and talk with your children and iron out the issues. I would refer you to No. 3 and say, “Let ’em fight it out. Last man standing wins.”

I am sure there are many other things that could help parents as they journey down the path.
Of course, part of the joy of parenting is finding out what you know and you don’t know, and teaching and molding your children. I guess it’s something I learned from my parents. I just wish they’d taught me where yellow comes from.