Zoo creatures

Another trip to the zoo, another chance to treat the people there as their own zoo-wide exhibit.
I love going to the zoo, and every time I go, I spend as much time watching the people as I do the exhibits. I have written several columns over the years about some of the curious behavior of the people-beasts that inhabit the outsides of cages. I figured it was high time I began to classify some of them, so that someone who has an interest in Latin can begin assigning them scientific names:

The Animal Hater
This person would rather be anywhere but at a zoo. The Animal Hater we saw uttered this memorable phrase at a meerkat exhibit: “Who wants to see a &*$% rodent?” I hadn’t the heart to tell him they weren’t rodents. You know who would? This person:

The Animal Lover
The Animal Lovers don’t just appreciate wildlife. They’ve got a rather odd attachment to them. It really comes out in the reptile house, when the AL will stand, face pressed against the glass, waxing eloquent about the beauty of the animal. But it gets almost to the creepy point, where you feel there is a really strong possibility, were the cage open, they would reach in and try to bond with their new animal soul mate. And be subsequently bitten by a Gila monster.

The Lounger
The Lounger is most often a teen male. He is far too cool to be at a zoo. He must sit with his back to an exhibit, texting his friends expressing how uncool the zoo is. His texts will consist of such insights such as “Sup” and “dude z00 lame.” Oftentimes, he will sit at a key viewing point, not even realizing he is blocking people’s views, causing them to try and will the grizzly bear to just make one honest try.

The Jockey
This person has got to see that exhibit. If they do not get in there right then, they will miss the sea turtle that only swims by every 40 seconds or so. In order to jockey for position, this person will utilize various contortions and twists to slide around people and will also commit what should be a felony – placing a hand on my shoulder to balance themselves while stepping in front on me, muttering, “skyoozmee-skyoozmee.” Hi, welcome to Mike – thank you for not touching.

The Over Educator
I suppose I get lumped into this category on occasion. “Look, kids, a Scolopendra!” I say gleefully. “Daddy, that’s a big centipede.” “Yes! A Scolopendra!” They politely resist the urge to chant “nerd.”

The Speed Freak
This person is looking to get through the exhibit in about 11 minutes. And you are a mere speed bump on their path to a new world record in the 100-Meter Monkey House Dash. He will duck, spin, peer over you or even skip an exhibit to keep moving. It is possible that the Speed Freak is part shark and must keep moving to survive.

The Escaped Exhibit
These are only found in their juvenile state. Their parents fall into one of two subspecies: The Exasperated Wit’s Enders or the Oblivious Don’t Cares. I noticed one Escaped Exhibit showing a fantastic display of what happens when you are not allowed to get your own ketchup. He was wearing one of those backpack/leash things, which it turns out can turn into a dragging rope. I was informed that you are not supposed to laugh at a kid flailing his arms and legs as he is towed across a restaurant floor by his monkey backpack.

The Statue
This is usually some Brad Garrett-sized behemoth who finds an exhibit he likes and just turns to stone. You may want to see the tiger. But you will do it when he is done. And he will not be done for a long time. He is not intentionally doing this to hurt you. But you try moving along when you’re made of stone.

I am sure there are many more species (and countless subspecies). I look forward to going back and finding them. And then over-educating my kids about it.