To the nines

Nine years old. Wow. What a difference close to a decade makes.
Allie was born into a far different world that she dwells in now, but I don’t want to focus on that. As she turns 9 on Thursday, I want to think about the things that won’t be in her adult world. We’ve all seen the myriad lists about things our children won’t know about – rotary phones, flash bulbs, Jay Leno, etc.
But what about the things that will have changed over her lifetime? What about the things that were here when she was a kid, and she can tell her children that they existed when she was young?
Such as:
• The excruciating squeal of dial-up modems. For the first two years of her life, she slept for about nine minutes total.
My wife and I would take turns doing a spirited dance around the living room until she fell asleep in our arms.
The only problem was she was terribly allergic to her crib, and would turn stiff as a board and wail and scream if you tried to put her in it.
She would be still in your arms, so we would get her to sleep and go to the computer and fire up the Internet to kick around on AOL for a few hours before the relief squad came in.
Only problem was that high-pitched modem squeal, which was like a great big brain poke to her, so you would have to sign on to AOL, spring from the room singing “The Rainbow Connection” and hope to avoid waking her up.
• Fiddling with the TV antenna.
Up until the FCC decided rabbit ears were not for us, we had a little TV in our kitchen. Allie became well versed in twisting the antenna this way and that way, holding onto the sink, connecting a fork, etc., to get the best “Dragon Tales” reception. Sadly, it now has cable, and I think she may have lost that gift.
• Cable TV. Poor kid only has 100 or so channels to choose from.
Of course, she still has that, because Daddy hasn’t gotten satellite or digital, because, let’s face it – we only watch about five of the channels as it is now.
• Having to hear a song from your off-key father. Now, with YouTube, any time she wants to hear a song, fire it up. And hear your off-key father sing along with it.
• Car seats. Seeing as how car seats changed from when I was a kid to when I had kids, I can only imagine that my grandkids will have some floating protective bubble sphere that will keep them safe.
• Headphones. One of Allie’s aunts got her a set of headphones when she was about 3 years old.
They were relatively small by pre-iPod earbud standards, but I am sure that by the time she has kids, it will be like she was wearing Cinnabons on her head.
• Cars that didn’t fly. I’m still holding out for those any day. Those and personal jet-packs.
• Coins. Just can’t see those lasting. Think about it – last time you dropped less than a quarter, did you stop and pick it up? No. No, you didn’t.
• Checks. As one of the last 11 people on the planet to write checks, I have a feeling that checks, like coins, will be gone.
But at least my kids will remember the days in which they went with me to a grocery store without my license and I convinced the store clerk that I was good for it, since I could remember my license number.
• CDs. Kids don’t just invest the way they used to. (Wait for that one to sink in.)
• Smart phones. Allie will be able to tell her kids, “When I was a kid, we couldn’t play games and take pictures and surf the Internet. Well, at least until I was 5.”
• VHS tapes. The next, next generation will not know the joy of watching Cinderella on VHS, each viewing getting fuzzier and fuzzier, meanwhile making an awesome fort out of the 600 Barney tapes you have since outgrown.
I am sure that there are plenty of other things that will be archaic by the time she grows up.
Perhaps she can write about them one day when she’s older. For now, I’m just going to enjoy her being 9. Maybe we should listen to some YouTube.