So tomorrow we all sit down for turkey and stuffing and football and such. Thus, it is time to unveil my federally required thankful column. So, I am thankful:
* for the fact that one column per year requires no thinking whatsoever, unlike those other 51, which were clearly the product of a team of geniuses working around the clock to produce brilliant commentary on things such as how I got stuck on the roof and how you can take a play fort down with an ax in under a half hour.
* that cleaning up the house can involve the phrase, "Just put the crayons in the sombrero."
* that my kids have a sense of humor. For example, when my son, Parker, was sick with the flu, we went to put on his shoes. In his shoe, he found a small plastic pig. His comment: "Why is there a pig inside of my shoe? Oooh, maybe because I have the pig flu." Allie, meanwhile, often comes up with creative ways to, say, give away her brother.
* that my car still runs, and I fixed the last mechanical glitch, which could have cost me $1,500, with a couple of quarts of oil. Did it make the problem go away? No. Did it make the sound reminding me of the problem go away? Yes. Yes it did.
* that at least a few times a month, I have this feeling rush over me that says, "You know, it doesn't actually matter if the shoes get put up in the closet."
* that every few months the shoes actually get put up.
* that the good folks at Krazy Glue figured out that they could sell four one-time-use tubes instead of one big tube that would get used once and then become a rock-solid chunk of unusable metal and glue that you would find the next time you needed Krazy Glue.
* that my dogs want more than anything to go upstairs and climb on the bed. Even if they aren't allowed up there (and even though Maggie the Attack Basset couldn't do it given the chance), it's nice to know you're in demand.
* that my kids still like being around me, although I am sensing that the window may be short with a certain fourth-grader who has already informed me that she cannot order from the kids menu anymore because, as she said, "Dad, I'm not a kid."
* that I have become so brutally organized with Christmas decorations that I can get them put up in no time whatsoever, and can flip a switch on Friday to have them shining bright.
* that I have learned to be patient and say, "Yes, dear" as my wife has me redo all of the Christmas decorations for the bulk of Saturday.
* for Rich Rodriguez, who decided not to coach Alabama.
* that my wife and I took the kids on a Christmas wish-list trip to Toys "R" Us. Granted, it turned into us channeling our wish lists from 1982 ("Oooh, put this on your list!"), but why shouldn't they know the joy of light sabers and My Little Pony?
* that I have a wife who gets mad only if I don't give an honest opinion, even if that opinion is, "I really don't care which shirt you wear. They both look the same to me."
* that I have an evil cat who hates everyone but me. Not thankful that she is evil and hates everyone else. Just glad she likes me.
* that Carl Kasell, while retiring from Morning Edition, will still be on "Wait, Wait. Don't Tell Me," as I would gamble that there is not a funnier 75-year-old man doing impersonations of Sarah Palin, Bill Clinton or Kim Jong Il.
* that I have been fortunate enough to write this column each week for 13 years. If nothing else, it's kept my team of geniuses employed.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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