Dial-a-Dumpster

If you dial it, they will dump.
For those of you unaware, the City of Aiken has a new program called Dial-a-Dumpster, and I can safely say it if the finest addition to any municipality since running water.
The basis of the program is this: Round up four of your neighbors and all agree to have a big, hideous green trash bin roughly the size of a Great Lake plopped down on your street. That’s it. No charge. No heavy lifting. Just clear a spot in the street.
The Dumpster arrived on Friday morning, and was nestled snugly on the side of our cul-de-sac. The main reason I had wanted to get it is because I had a bunch of large items that could not be put out by the curb. Old pieces of plywood, a broken desk, my failed pool cover weight experiment consisting of numerous PVC pipes. That kind of thing.
When I first saw the Dumpster, I was amazed at its size. My first comment to my wife was, “It’s gonna be embarrassing if they come pick it up and there are only a couple of items in it.”
We quickly learned that would not be a problem. By Saturday afternoon, it was already nearing capacity. Everyone was heading into the deepest, darkest parts of their attics, garages and closets. Computer boxes. Skis. Stairs to a deck. A concrete rabbit. A foosball table. When someone made the comment as to how much money had been invested into actually accumulating the large amount of junk we were getting rid of, we all sighed. Some of us wept on the inside, realizing the number of mortgage payments now sitting in a giant pile of garbage.
Alas, it was not time for depressing reflection. It was time for cleansing. And cleanse we did. All day Saturday, soldiers marched from each of the neighborhood houses, a platoon of trash disposal. Said one neighbor, “I can walk in the garage now!” Said another neighbor, “Hey, what’s that you’re throwing away?” Said this neighbor: “What goes in the Dumpster stays in the Dumpster.”
Occasionally, several of us would meet at the Dumpster, peering in, proud of the quantity and quality of our trash. Often, we would exchange a King-of-the-Hillish “Yup” and then return to digging for stuff to dump.
On Monday, I found that the Dumpster can also provide a valuable service: It detects roof leaks. Having run out of things in the garage and attic to dump, I began to pilfer through some rarely used closets. I opened up one that I am fairly sure I have not been in since we bought the house. There, I noticed a box of old CDs. When I went to lift it, the sides of the box slid right on up. Amazingly, the CDs stayed perfectly still. Curious behavior for a box, I thought. I felt down below and noticed that where there was once a bottom of a box there was now just a moist, pulpy mess. I started checking around and noticed that about half of the floor was soaked. After a very short inspection, I looked and saw a quarter-size spot of daylight. I am no roofer, but I am fairly sure that one of the primary functions of a roof is to keep daylight, among other naturally occurring things, out of your house. I called my wife into the closet and had her stand in there while I went on the roof. I am not sure why I did this, but it seemed very necessary at the time.
Having only had the roof for a short while (previously it was open air), I called the roofing company, who came out and sealed the hole. He also suggested I rake my roof more often. I can safely say that is the first time I have been told that. I wonder if it is some roofing humor that they do, just to see how many dolts will climb on their roofs with rakes.
On the last day of our Dumpster, I was pleased to see that it was overflowing with stuff. I also hope that, when it is hauled off, they use some sort of tarp to cover it, lest the streets of our fair city be strewn with Styrofoam, broken coffee tables and dead trees.
I highly recommend you get together with your neighbors and Dial-a-Dumpster. When you think of quality of life improvements, you don’t think of Dumpsters. But you should. Because it will not only help you cleanse your home and your spirit. It will also fix your roof.