Birthday baffled

So let’s keep today’s column just between you and me. You see, I’m trying to figure out what to get my wife for her birthday, and, quite frankly, I’m stuck.
My wife is one of the hardest people in the world to shop for, and it’s not because she’s selective or picky. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. She’s just giddy about anything you get her. Seriously. She is one of the last hold-outs of the “thought that counts” cliché, which makes it a lot tougher, because you have to put incredible scrutiny into what you buy. If it was all about flash, that problem’s easily solved. But when your thoughts and motivation are analyzed, you have to be careful: “Uh, why would you think I want a set of men’s golf clubs?”
And I know what you are thinking. And you are wrong. She is not just saying that. I have known my wife for a very long time, and trust me – I can tell when she’s mad. Plus, one thing my wife and I agreed on long ago was that management of expectations was key to a happy coexistence. For example, Valentine’s Day. My wife does not care about Valentine’s Day. How do I know this? Because she told me she does not. She has said before, “If you want to go to dinner or something, that’s fine, but don’t spend $75 on flowers for a made-up holiday.” And you may think she’s just saying that. However, I know she is not, because I have gone against her Valentine’s wishes and gotten her something, which usually resulted in a lecture on fiscal responsibility. (If you would like for your children to be fiscally responsible, I highly encourage you have my wife come and talk to them. She can go on and on and on about how you should pay the bills each month and balance the checkbook and blah blah blah. It’s boring, but eventually you just say, “Fine, I’ll send the power company a check if you’ll JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.”)
Pretty much the only time we exchange gifts is for birthdays and Christmas. For our anniversary each year, we usually have take-out Chinese food, because that’s what we started doing when we were newlyweds, and, quite frankly, we like Chinese take-out. For Christmas, we will usually agree on one big thing for the house. Nothing spreads Yuletide joy like a new dishwasher.
Birthdays have always been the wildcard. Sometimes we get wild and crazy and get each other big whopping gifts. Other times, we play it low key. We have birthdays fairly close together, so sometimes we simply opt to split the difference and go have a nice dinner between the two dates. This year, for my birthday, my wife got pneumonia. I told her that I had not, in fact, asked for my wife to have a debilitating illness for my birthday, something she found funny until she began coughing to the point that she almost fell out of bed.
At one point that day, my wife, partially woozy from cough medicine, began to apologize profusely for not doing anything on my birthday. I reminded her that, based on the medications currently in her system, any attempt to try and do anything for my birthday would have probably been a very bad idea.
My wife and I did go shopping a few days ago, and she pointed out numerous things that she liked. My wife and I rarely go shopping because we have different shopping styles. Her mission is to slowly absorb everything in the store and memorize its placement on the shelf and compare prices at other stores. My method is much like Jim Brown in “The Dirty Dozen” – sprint in, take care of business, and get out of there as fast as you can. Unlike Brown, I have completed each mission and have not been shot on my way to the car.
She did give me some hints the other day when we went shopping. With four new stores in one shopping center, I figured I needed to get out and see where my wife would be spending much of the future. As we strolled the aisles, my wife would point out this item and that item, and say what a nice addition this would make or that would make. Here’s the problem – the whole time she was talking, I was busy looking at other things. One of the main areas I found myself focusing on was – and hold off the creepy factor for a minute – the girl’s clothes. My daughter is six, and I looked at a lot of the young girls’ fashions, and all I can say is, “I sure hope muumuus are fashionable when my daughter is a teen, because that’s what she’ll be wearing.”
Sorry, got sidetracked. So the bottom line is I really did not pay much attention to what she pointed out. An even if I had, the list was rather extensive. I don’t think my wife was actually expecting to get all of the stuff, but rather just casually telling me what she found appealing. (Remember – this column is between us. Don’t tell her I wasn’t listening.)
So over the next few days, I will figure something out, I suppose. I may go to those stores that we went to and hope that I randomly hit on something that she had pointed out. I, of course, am open to suggestions. And please don’t suggest I get pneumonia. But whatever it is, if I put solid, earnest thought into, I am sure my wife will be thrilled. Who knows – maybe she’s always wanted a new set of men’s golf clubs.