Safety last

So with the turn of the screwdriver, I left behind a stage in my life.
Yes, just one turn, and I closed the chapter known as the “OMIGOSH DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH!!!” You see, I recently removed all of the safety latches from our cabinet hardware.
When I grew up, I am pretty sure the kid safety market consisted of those Yuckmouth stickers on bottles of things that you weren’t supposed to drink. Of course, having three older sisters, I thought it was far more entertaining to try and stealthily place one on their backs and run through the house shrieking “YOU’RE A YUCKMOUTH!!!” Hmmm. Wonder why my sisters would often tell me that Han Solo was outside and then lock the door when I went out to find him...
Anyway, the safety market today is a billion-dollar industry, based on a statistic I guess could be true. There are safety products for safety products. My wife and I stuck with the basics – cabinet locks, door knob locks and outlet caps. My mother once tried to get me to get the padding that goes around coffee tables. I told her that the kids live in a world with corners. Time to adjust. And I also asked her why she was so suddenly concerned with kids’ safety. Where were the corner pads when I was a kid? She responded by telling me Han Solo was outside.
The doorknob locks are these plastic caps that fit over the knobs, and you had to squeeze them to get the door open. Both kids mastered these around age 2. When Allie was little, she got around those by standing at the door and knocking over and over and over, saying, “LET ME OUT. LET ME OUT. LET ME OUT.” Pretty sure that after about 10 minutes of that, the neighbors might start to think you have caged your child, so you let them out of their room.
Parker, meanwhile, took the more guy approach. He just broke them apart. He would grab them and pull on them, hang on them, hit them with a book ... whatever it took. He would bash his way out, and then come out holding the two pieces, grinning, as if he was very pleased that he had solved the puzzle we had put forth.
The outlet caps always served a good purpose, namely countering that innate human inclination to see what happens when Mr. Fork meets Mr. Outlet. Be totally honest with yourself – you’re either very curious about it or already know what happens. There is something hardwired in us that makes us really want to do it. It’s like touching a hot plate or touching an electric fence. And it kinda makes you wonder how we managed to scramble to the top of the food chain. Eventually, you learn to control the urge. Even though most of our outlets still have the caps, we have pretty much convinced the children to stay away from them. My wife opted for the calm, discussion approach, explaining that you could really hurt yourself, etc. She rejected my plan, which started off with “Here, take this fork...”
So the last protection item in my house were the cabinet locks. The stated intent is to keep kids away from harmful products such as cleaners, which is noble. We, however, keep our cleaning supplies in a cabinet above the sink, so this is really not an issue. But the safety latches did serve two very valuable purposes:
1. They kept kids out of the food.
2. They kept kids out of the cabinet with the pots and pans.
The first issue was the food. We don’t keep a lot of junk in the house, because our children need something to complain about when they get older. (“We had the most horrific upbringing – not a Twinkie to be found...”) But, on occasion, we do allow for the occasional fruit snack or bag of Skittles. But let me tell you – those little critters are like raccoons when it comes to going through food. On the off chance there are fruit snacks or Skittles or something else in the pantry, you can believe they will find it. There is nothing like coming into the kitchen and seeing bread and peanut butter jars and canned goods strewn on the floor while a 3-year-old sits on a shelf and tries to gnaw through a Skittles bag.
As for pots and pans, those locks were used to keep the pots and pans safely stowed, rather than as part of a band ensemble. We are all for getting loud and having fun and throwing an impromptu parade, when the time is right. But it’s no fun to have to delay dinner because you have to go search behind the couch, under the bed, in the shower, etc. for the pots and pans. Also, those who suffer from migraines will tell you, pot-and-pan parades are only a notch above boxing on the desirability scale during a headache.
But alas, Parker has now mastered entry into the cabinets, meaning the locks serve little more purpose than to frustrate me when I try to open them. So, off they came.
Hopefully, the kids are now getting old enough that we don’t have to worry about pots and pans being spread about, or food being torn through as if they were starving bears. My wife and I will just have to remain diligent in making sure we teach them that they are not to enter the cabinets whenever they want, and that they need to ask Mommy or Daddy before getting something. And, if that doesn’t work, I’ll just tell them Han Solo is outside to see them.