Cell out

So I got a call yesterday from someone who was concerned about an issue that has upset people for years – people talking on cell phones.
As a business owner, she was telling me how on numerous occasions, she would think she was having a conversation with a customer, only to realize that the person was, in fact, talking on a cell phone – usually one of those cyborg-looking earpieces that blinks blue and scares children. Those conversations are never fun and usually go something like this:
HER: Hi, can I help you find anything?
CYBORG: And some spaghetti sauce.
HER: Uh, we don’t sell that here.
CYBORG: Detention? For what?
HER: Uh, I...uh...didn’t...give you detention.
CYBORG: OK, love you too.

After a while, it became clear that the issue is not cell phones. It’s people who don’t know the proper way to use cell phones. A lot of folks get upset whenever someone is using a cell phone. That’s silly. Cell phones are quite functional, and if you can adhere to a few basic issues of courtesy and behavior not reserved for feral cats, I think we can all agree that cell phones can be used in a positive manner. So let me put forth what is acceptable and unacceptable with cell phones:

ACCEPTABLE:
Using them in a grocery store to call home and clarify what to get. For some reason, this really annoys some people. You know what I find annoying? Driving BACK to the store because I got baking powder instead of baking soda.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Using them in a grocery store to have a fight with your boyfriend, set up a doctor’s appointment, yell at your housekeeper, tell your friend about your other friend’s recent diagnosis, etc.

ACCEPTABLE:
Having a conversation when you are dining alone.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Having a conversation when you are dining alone that is louder than an Aerosmith concert.

ACCEPTABLE:
Using a phone in your car, if you are using a hands-free device or are pulled off on the side of the road.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Using your phone in your car while also shaving, ironing your shirt and making waffles on your cigarette-lighter powered waffle maker (which was a bad idea to start with).

ACCEPTABLE:
Taking a call at the ballgame from a friend who just saw you on TV.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Taking a call at the ballgame from your bookie, and then explaining that you just need a few more days and that keeping your knees intact would be very helpful in collecting the needed money.

ACCEPTABLE:
Calling your wife to let her know you are on your way home from work.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Calling your wife to let her know that Happy Hour has been extended and that you hoped the twins’ viral infection was clearing up.

ACCEPTABLE:
Placing a call to emergency responders when you have had car trouble.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Placing a call to emergency responders because your phone’s address book contains a grand total of zero names, and sometimes you just need someone to talk to, and the nice bagboy at the grocery store said he really had to get back to work.

ACCEPTABLE:
Having your phone set on vibrate and excusing yourself from a movie theater to take an important call.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Confusing “important call” with “call from your friend who just HAS to tell you that the funny episode of ‘Seinfeld’ – you know the one with the rye bread – is on, and that TOTALLY is how Todd would have acted, too!”

ACCEPTABLE:
Having a distinctive ring tone.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Having a ring tone that sounds like a cat clawing glass.

I hope we can all agree that these guidelines will restore civility in our cell phone world. Cell phones are here to stay, so we might as well make their inclusion in our world as headache-free as possible. Let’s use these devices as what they are: functional, helpful units that allow us to communicate in times of need, in times of importance. But most of all, in times of grocery store crises.