Stick it to it

Once again, we have suffered a problem with our heating unit. We often have problems with our heating/air conditioning, because the unit was manufactured in 1642, and the mules used to power it are difficult to replace.
This time, the unit had decided to form a nice bank of ice all around the bottom of it. And, when I peered down in the unit, just beneath the fan, I saw a nice thick sheet of ice. Several people told me that ice will often form on heating units during the winter. I informed them that while that may be true, rarely did entire ice ages descend on the units.
In addition to the ice, I noticed that if you stood about three feet from the unit, you could feel the ground vibrating. A lot. When I asked a neighbor to come check it out, he looked at me and said, “That’s not normal.”
Clearly, bad things were happening. My first thought was that at any moment, this thing could explode. I find it interesting how rarely things in the world explode, yet how we are always living in fear of that. Perhaps a little too much TV.
Anyhow, so I did what any sensible human would do, which was to head to the Internet. And no, I did not go to the Internet looking for home repair advice. The Internet, in all its usefulness, is also chock full of things that are designed to either terrorize or injure. If you look for medical advice, you will self-diagnose yourself with every disease known. If you use it for home repair, you will electrocute yourself. And then imagine the vicious cycle if you use the Internet to cure your electrocution.
But I digress.
I used the Internet to find the phone number of a college buddy, Lee, who works with HVAC units and can tell me quick-fix solutions (“OK, have you turned the unit ON?”)
I told him the deal, and he immediately showed why he is the ace when it comes to high-tech repairs. “See if you can turn the fan with a stick.”
Apparently, despite all of the super cool tools and gadgets they may have, the first go-to tool they employ is ... a stick.
Somewhat concerned I was being set up for some hilarious hidden camera show — “Coming up next on Fox’s ‘Wildest Limb Separations’...” I slowly moved the stick over toward the fan. I did a double take over my shoulder to see if I could catch a glimpse of the Fox camera guy. No luck.
I stuck the stick in and gave the fan a shove. Nothing.
“OK, it didn’t do anything. Including cut off my arm at the elbow.”
There was a brief, understandable pause. He then explained to me that a heating unit does in fact often freeze up, and that there was a defrosting mode that ... you know what — never mind. It was broken. Let’s just leave it at that.
I went in and told my wife what the problem was. Without hesitation, I gave her a breakdown of how a unit works, and what our problem was. She stared at me with the most precious look. It was like her little illiterate child had finally learned to read. I think a tear actually welled up in her eye. I then added, “It’s not like I figured any of this out. I called Lee. He told me what the problem was.”
So I called our home warranty folks, because if there is one thing you want on top of the headache of dealing with heating on the fritz, it’s the headache of dealing with the home warranty company. When I reached their recording, which uses voice recognition to select menu times, I used my usual three-prong approach.
1. Say “OPERATOR” at the first chance you get. If that doesn’t work...
2. Say “Transfer.” If that doesn’t work...
3. Say “Mr. Peabody.” Or “Grape Ape.” Or “Quick Draw McGraw.” Really most any cartoon character will work. The point is if “operator” or “transfer” aren’t programmed to lead you to a human (or at least the closest thing they could hire to work that shift), random words often cause the system to say, “You know what? Let the working stiff handle it. I’m going to go process some numbers or something.” (NOTE: If there is a Mr. Peabody working for the company, this could backfire, so be prepared to bail.)
With this particular company, I know to skip right to number 2. In a few seconds, I was talking to a real human. I know this because there are few cyborgs or lower primates that smack gum on the phone. Despite that, she was able to get a work order opened in the system quite quickly.
The next morning, the heating repair guy came out. He looked at the unit, knelt down beside it and immediately reached for — you guessed it — a stick. I glanced around for cameramen. Nothing. Guess it is, in fact, a legitimate HVAC repair tool.
In short order, using his magic stick, he determined that the fan motor was dead, and that was the reason for the freezing. He replaced the motor, and in no time had it purring away.
I am sure that it will just be a matter of time until our unit does something else to need repair. At least the next time something goes wrong, I’ll know exactly what to do — I’ll poke it with a stick.