Payback time

It’s payback time.
For six years I have endured it. I have held back. I have not fought it. But I don’t have to wait any longer.
I have two brand new nephews, and you know what that means – It’s time to buy drum sets.
Yes, my three sisters have enjoyed vying for the title of “fun aunt” since my children have been born. Candy for dinner? Sure! Bounce on the couch? Why not! Impromptu dog saddle? Let’s try it!
Oh, but it is now my turn. Samuel was born Nov. 17, and Nicholas joined us on Feb. 1. I am wringing my hands over the tough decisions an uncle has – who gets the bugle and who gets the fire truck with realistic sirens that you cannot turn off?
I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking I’m being petty and spiteful and looking to get back at my sisters for years of spoiling my kids. To that I say: You are correct.
But it’s not just the revenge factor that it is so appealing. I am excited about finally getting to be fun uncle. I have fun with my kids, sure, but at the end of the day, I still have to do the dad stuff. I have to do bath time, make lunches, ask Parker to let the dog out of the trash can, etc.
The kids are very excited as well. As a 6-year-old, Allie is very caring and nurturing. She really wants to hold the babies and help feed them and such. (She has made it plainly clear that Samuel and Nicholas’ mommies can tend to the diaper part.)
Parker also likes to hold the babies, although he gets a different look in his eye. It is the look of, “Oh, the things I will try to pin on you. And the things I will dare you to do.” In short, I think he believes we are supplying soldiers for Gen. Parker’s Army of Destruction.
But back to the ways I plan on spoiling them. I think as their uncle, it is my duty to ensure that they learn a few things. So, from this day forward, I vow to Samuel and Nicholas that I will:
1. Dig deep into my memory banks and find that one little thing I used to do most pester their mothers, so as they get older, their mother’s little brother will always be there.
2. Have a complete and separate set of standards for them versus my children. When my children complain, I will remind them that they didn’t seem to mind when their aunts were doing the same thing, and then order them back into the coal mines.
3. Stockpile awesome candy at the house. We’re not candy folks, and really don’t keep a lot of sweets around the house. Oh, that is about to change. I will find what they crave most, make sure their parents don’t keep it at home, and keep it loaded up, so every time they come over, the first thing they do is sprint to the special spot in the cabinet for the gallon-sized jar of Fun Dip.
4. Teach the art of body noises. Every uncle worth his salt teaches his nephew how to make armpit music.
5. Search the shelves for the loudest, brightest, most un-turn-offable toys around. I did not know companies made toys that you could not turn off until I had kids. And it always seems that these gifts were coming from my sisters. Don’t think I didn’t notice.
6. Encourage my children to form lasting bonds with their cousins. These bonds include the no-snitching bond, the pink-belly bond, the double-dog-dare bond, and, of course, the occasional bet-you-won’t-eat-that bond.
7. Give them tattoos. No, not real tattoos. But it seems like my children often come away from their aunts’ presence with those press-on tattoos. And while I know that my sisters would never get my 6- and 3-year-old ACTUAL tattoos, it does say something that I always drag my finger over it JUST to make sure.
8. Offer to cut their hair. This is not really related to being an uncle, but the one time I tried to cut Allie’s hair was such a disaster, I would enjoy seeing the looks on my sisters’ faces when I made the offer.
9. Demand they come spend the night on occasion. Gen. Parker insists on it. There is a good chance Allie will ask for a sleepover at Grandma’s that night.
10. Find ridiculous and unnecessary clothing accessories that their parents would never buy, but they will feel somewhat obligated to dress their kids in when I come around. Here I’m thinking things like sombreros and elf shoes. I have no idea why. It just seems like the thing to do.
Before you come down too hard on me for being an irresponsible adult around my nephews, let me remind you that I am responsible all kinds of times during the day.
Ha! I kid because I care. Truth of the matter is that I am incredibly excited about having two baby nephews. I will strive to be fun uncle and little brother at the same time, a mission that I can easily accomplish.
Now, who gets the trumpet and how gets the parrot?