Slip Slidin' away

First off, as I have said before, no, I was not babysitting. Just because my wife leaves for the weekend, it does not mean the children are devoid of a parent. True, they are devoid of a responsible parent, but that doesn’t make me a babysitter.
My wife left on Friday before school was out, which meant I would pick the kids up from school. I have picked the kids up on occasion, so it’s no great mystery to me.
What IS a great mystery to me, however, is how some people cannot immediately learn what proper car line protocol is. It is very simple, especially when you have lines approaching a single entrance from different directions: You take turns. One car from one direction enters, and then a car from the other direction enters. NEVER do two cars from the same direction enter one after the other UNLESS the driver in the other direction is clearly not paying attention because of yapping on a phone, putting on makeup, shaving, etc. Yet still, on occasion, I see someone riding the bumper of the car in front of them, making it painfully clear to all others that this is a two-car package deal, despite the fact that alternating entry is a basic default rule of life, much like the rule of calling shotgun, the rule of no line cuts without the tacit nod of approval from the person behind you, and the rule that when a second cashier opens up a business, the person who is second in line gets to go there, and the person at the back of the line does not sprint to the open register.
Sadly, this last one is only rarely adhered to. (Any business that uses a queue line to corral and move customers through? Aces in my book.)
So after rounding up the kids, I had to figure what to do with the rest of my day. I had to head back to work, so I dropped the kids off at home and went on my way. They’re 6 and 4 and would be fine.
Oh, settle down. My mother-in-law was at the house waiting for them. I assume.
When I got home that evening, I decided Parker and I would have a dude’s night. Allie went with my mother-in-law for a sleepover. I asked Parker what he wanted to do. He said, “GO WITH GRAN AND ALLIE!!!” I explained to him that they would be doing girl things. “BUT I WANNA BE A PRINCESS!!!” Sigh.
Eventually, I convinced Parker that we would have a much better time with our testosterone overflowing doing manly things. In no time, we settled into our booth at a gentleman’s club and... Ha! Little more humor for you.
I told Parker that we were going out to eat, and he could pick the restaurant AND pick something cool to go do before dinner. We could go to the park, we could go walk by the Carolina Bay, whatever he wanted. “I wanna go to The Houses,” he said, not missing a beat.
“The Houses” are favorites of Parker. “The Houses” are in fact the storage sheds in the parking lot of Home Depot. He loves going and checking them out, and telling me what we could do with each one. His favorite, of course, is the two-story one, which he has decided would be a perfect addition. His room would be upstairs, by the way.
After The Houses, I settled on a restaurant. At first I let Parker pick, but he opted for “Chick-fil-A McDonald’s Chili’s Ice Cream Gramma’s Dora the Explorer.” I am not sure where that restaurant is.
We reunited with Allie in the morning. I told the kids that if they were really good, I would have a special surprise for them. That was a mistake, because that meant from that point forward, they would be saying, “PLEEEEEASE tell us what our surprise is!!!”
They really don’t grasp the concept of surprises.
But after a few errands, I caved in and told them their surprise was a trip to the zoo, something they always enjoy.
When we reached the zoo, I saw a jam-packed parking lot the likes of which I have never seen at the zoo. I even had a momentary thought of trying to figure out how to explain to the kids that the zoo had, in fact, closed. I figured I would receive some serious negative karma points for that and opted to brave the crowds.
Once inside, it wasn’t that bad, as we are a fairly mobile and nimble trio. Oh, and for what’s it’s worth, I still find it amazing how 6-foot adults see nothing wrong with stepping in front of 4-foot children to see an animal. They are probably the same people who sprint from the back of the line to the just-opened register.
After completing the zoo, we headed home.
Parker fell asleep before we were out of the parking lot, which meant I had a large hill to climb in terms of getting him to fall asleep that evening. So I did what any forward-thinking parent would do: I stopped and bought a Slip-and-Slide. “Here kids – have fun! Run and slide until half past tired!”
Sure enough, after about an hour, they came to me, shivering and exhausted. They ate a huge dinner (always a good sign that they are ready to crash) and took their baths. In no time, I had them snuggled in their beds, worn out from a great day with dad.
As I checked on them one final time that evening, I gave myself a little pat on the back, and again said to myself that I am definitely not a babysitter. For one thing, I don’t get paid.