Water world

Some notes you don’t want to find posted to your door:
“Took the kids for a drive. See you soon. – Britney Spears”
“Sorry I missed you. By the way, you left the liquor cabinet unlocked – Lindsey Lohan”
“The City of Aiken has detected a massive leak on your side of the water line and disconnected your water.”
Imagine my joy at seeing the latter. We had received a note the prior month that we had a small leak and that we should check around the house.
I contacted the water folks and asked if sprinkler use could have something to do with this. Indeed it could, they said. This made tremendous sense, as I had not used my sprinkler system in two years.
On occasion, I would drag out the hose and a sprinkler, but this was (a) a pain and (b) a reason for me to resent my neighbors, as their timed zones mocked me by evenly watering their yards.
So I assumed that the uptick in my water bill was simply because I was not making my yard die of thirst any more.
The bill came, and it was about $10 higher than normal. A ten-spot for my plants, I told my wife. They’ve earned it.
Then the next bill came. Apparently, the plants had upped their allowance considerably. It had been extremely dry and I had been watering my yard a considerable amount.
I decided I would monitor my water usage a little more closely, and also refrain from my all-day Tuesday showers. And then a few days later the note hit my door. It was a Friday afternoon, so I was starting to panic, thinking I would not have water for the entire weekend.
I managed to get through to someone, and someone from the City met me at the house. I told him about my sprinkler usage thoughts, and he explained to me that, over the month of June, I had essentially filled four swimming pools up with my water usage.
My sprinklers were not capable of that. He and I went around the house, searching again for the elusive leak, to no avail. I called a plumbing company and found one that, thankfully, considered Saturday a regular ol’ working day.
So the plumber rolled up bright and early on Saturday morning. I went out to meet him, eager to find his high-tech leak detection device. I assumed it would look like a ray gun.
I was very disappointed when he pulled out a long stick. He looked around, took a few steps inside my azaleas, and plunged it into the ground. “Found it,” he said, pulling the stick out and showing me how it was wet.
I took a step inside my azaleas to peer in, and at that point I, too, found the leak, as my foot went about calf-deep into mud.
(QUICK BREAK FOR A GARDENING TIP: Want beautiful green azaleas that grow at a rate unlike any you’ve ever seen? Pump about 100,000 gallons of water underneath them for a month! And when you’re asked for wise comments on how half of your azaleas are growing at a freakish rate, just shrug and say, “Yep. Crazy, huh?”
Back to the column: So he finds the general area where the leak is coming from.
I go in the back to play with the kids, confident my problem will be solved in no time. About an hour later, I came back out front and found there was now a small pond in my front yard, and I am fairly certain that I did not have a small pond an hour prior.
The plumber told me that he had finally found the leak, but it was far worse than he thought. In addition to the line being roughly 400 feet underground, it had apparently been attacked by tree roots that were not content being tree roots, but were actually setting out to destroy my pipes and checkbook.
We had two options: Bring in a backhoe and dig up half of my azalea bed or completely reroute my water line, bringing it into the house from an area away from the vicious attack trees.
We opted for the latter, mainly because they were going to have to dig a big trench across my yard, and that would save me hours of future yard work.
Now, I could ignore the bare spots, and if anyone should comment that my yard looks somewhat like a sandlot, I can say, “Yeah, had some plumbing work done. Dug it up good.” Hopefully, they would not ask, “Did the plumber plant all of the dandelions, too?”
It took him the better part of a day, but eventually my water line had been rerouted, and the underground ocean was put to an end. I guess I should be thankful that the water underneath didn’t cause extensive damage to my yard and house.
I guess what I’m saying is that it could be worse. Britney could have the kids.