Check it out

By my estimate, there were two of us who should have been in line. Everyone else should have been … elsewhere.
It was a Sunday at 1:40 p.m., and I ran to the store to pick up a few items. When I entered, I was amazed to see every open register line 10 deep with people. Apparently, the store was having a super-duper sale on some stuff, and everyone had flooded the place to get a hold of great deals.
I grabbed my two items and found the line that was the least brutal looking. There was a guy in front of me, looking as exasperated as I felt. “I’m not really sure why all of these people had to be here RIGHT at 1:30 p.m.,” I said.
“The sale,” he said, holding up a flyer.
I looked around the store. There were still plenty of sale items left. The 1-cent folders? Enough to crush a buffalo. The erasers? You could make a life raft out of what was left. There was no need to have clogged the arteries of the store.
He turned to me and asked a fair question: “So why are you here then?”
I gave him my answer: Kit Kittredge. He stared at me and probably considered moving to a different line. I explained that I was getting a printer cartridge for something my wife had to print that afternoon. My wife was taking my daughter to see “Kit Kittredge: An American Girl,” and it started at 2:45 p.m. I had to get the cartridge ASAP.
He nodded, giving his approval for my being there. “What about you?” I asked.
“I’m not from here. I’ve been waiting since 10:30 a.m.” Ah, a blue law casualty. (Granted, he could have killed the time by going to a grocery store, grabbing a six-pack, a lottery ticket and a carton of smokes. That should have kept him busy until he was able to buy … a stapler.)
Anywho, as we surveyed the crowd, we both came to the conclusion that we were probably some of the few shoppers who had a justifiable reason to be there at that time. I was working on a deadline, and he had just been paroled from blue law prison. Everyone else? Just snapping up a Trapper Keeper.
That’s when we decided stores should have the Expedited Shopping Lanes. First, you go to a store mediator and present your case as to whether or not you should get to go to a speed line. It’s sort of the carpool line of checkouts. For example:
MEDIATOR: State your case.
SHOPPER 1: My daughter’s hair bow just broke, and her dance recital is in 15 minutes.
MEDIATOR: Approved. Next.
SHOPPER 2: I figured I’d stock up on these 10 for $10 jars of relish, since I was out and about.
MEDIATOR: DENIED! To the long line.
Now, to any of you who were in that line the other day, I am doing this for your own health. There is no need to stampede a store right when it opens just to get a good deal on school supplies. (A) They aren’t going to run out. (B) If they do, and you have to pay about a dollar more, ask yourself what your time is worth. Personally, I’ll gladly pay a little extra to avoid having to stand in a long line or lock horns with a mom over the last Spider-Man backpack. On a similar note, I remember years ago when my wife took me out people-watching on the day after Thanksgiving. We were in a mall in Florida, and we walked passed a toy store having sales of up to 25 percent off. A line snaked around the store and out into the mall. There, at the back of the line, probably an hour away from checking out, was a woman holding a Monopoly game. I don’t know about you, but I’m not standing in line for an hour to save $4, especially to buy a game that is federally required to be in every game cabinet in America.
While the day may never come when my brilliant idea is embraced by the masses, I will keep a glimmer of hope alive. Until that day comes, however, I know one thing is certain: I’ll just avoid Sunday matinees.