A few random thoughts

Not so much a regular column today but rather just a few musings I felt like sharing. I know, I know – and break from the usual coherent stream of logic?

— I think my crusade for making people return their shopping carts to the proper locale is gaining steam. The other day, I was able to eye someone across a parking lot who was clearly considering abandoning it in a perfectly good spot. Sensing my stare-down, she went and ahead and took the cart the extra 20 feet to the corral. Success through stinkeye.
— I read a column by P.J. O’Rourke recently, and one part resonated with me. In regard to the world being fair, O’Rourke wrote: “I’ve got a 10-year-old at home. She’s always saying, ‘That’s not fair.’ When she says this, I say, ‘Honey, you’re cute. That’s not fair. Your family is pretty well off. That’s not fair. You were born in America. That’s not fair. Darling, you had better pray to God that things don’t start getting fair for you.’”
If you are a parent, prepare to paraphrase that 43 billion times a week.
— Yes, it is hot. It’s the summer. We live in the South. And I have bad news for you: My grandmother, who lived through eight decades in the South, once confided in me a secret: You never get used to it. Ever. That’s why God invented air conditioning.
— A neti pot is one of the grossest things I have ever seen. And, I have to admit, one of the most awesome. For those of you not familiar, Google it. As someone who has some of the worst sinuses on the planet, I’m willing to try anything. While it’s not something I suggest breaking out at the dinner table during a first date, if you’ve considered using one, take the plunge. After the date, of course.
— My son added to his bite list. When a carpenter ant got hold of him the other day, he was quite proud. Between bites and stings, he has been tagged by a yellow jacket, a hornet, a wolf spider, four snakes, a lizard, a dog, an alligator and an Allie. (The spider and Allie bites were in self-defense.) I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry: Only the lizard and alligator were voluntary.
— My children are at the age where they hear EVERYTHING Mommy and Daddy say. We certainly try to set a good example but, as I argued to my wife, I maintain that I was perfectly justified the other day in the car when I said, “Yes, ‘stupid’ is not a nice word. But sometimes, grown-ups have no choice but to ask out loud, ‘What are you, stupid?’ This is often said to someone who stops for a green light.” My wife says I am teaching them road rage. I don’t think she meant that as a compliment.
— Wendy’s should be the model of setting up a fast-food line. Building on the brilliance of Disney’s line-standing strategies, Wendy’s has queue lines. I cannot stand when there is just a chaotic blob of people milling around, hoping to dart into the next available spot. And you always have that one person who is acting like Rickey Henderson, looking to spring into the first available spot before anyone notices. Queue lines cure the Ricky Hendersons.
— My daughter was being pestered by her brother the other day and complained to me about it. I told her to go into a different room. She said that he was being the pest, so why did she have to leave? I explained to her that he was a little brother and that’s what little brothers do. They annoy big sisters. The best defense mechanism is to lock yourself in a little brother-proof room. Trust me, I said, I know – I have three older sisters. Allie said, “But Daddy, you didn’t do that to my aunts when you were a kid, did you?” My sisters and I had a good chuckle over that one.
— Quite a few readers have remarked on the frozen T-shirt column from a few weeks back. And the verdict is split on whether I cheated in the competition. Since it was not unanimous, clearly there was a reasonable doubt, and I therefore declare myself not guilty.
Well, I guess that is all for today. And remember to enjoy your life. It’s quite unfair. Fortunately.