Sell sell sell!

Admit it. You’ve been there.
You look out your window see a neighbor walking with child in tow.
The child is carrying a sheet of paper as they head to a house a few doors down.
Returning a borrowed magazine, perhaps? Maybe dropping off a few pages of a recently penned manifesto?
The door opens, and the little hand raises up the sheet of paper and a pen. Uh-oh. It’s fund-raising season.
FAST FACT: One provision of the No Child Left Behind Act is that every American child must participate in at least 11 fund-raisers each week.
Back to our story. You now have only a moment to decide your course of action. No one NEEDS wrapping paper, a pizza kit, cookie dough, etc.
You think about making an emergency grocery store run. You consider the “No speaka the English” routine that you tried on the telemarketer.
You even think about saying, “Sorry, Timmy. Burglars stole all of my money.”
And then you turn and see your kids. Immediately flashing before you is the memory of all the times you stood at a neighbors door, hawking wares.
And you remember how your neighbors never once told you they didn’t speaka the English, but instead dutifully bought a make-your-own pretzel kit that, no doubt, still sits in their freezer.
FAST FACT: No American has every actually eaten an entire box of oranges – and lived to tell about it.
The latest sales pitch that came around was a 2-year-old from across the street. (His mom even turned his ball cap around backwards to make it extra hard to resist. Well played, Mom. Well played.)
Seeing that helped me remember the first time we had to make the rounds with our kids to shake down the neighbors.
I don’t even recall what we were selling, but I took an almost embarrassed and sheepish approach as I went to each house.
Of course, neighbors with older kids understand you are simply going through your initiation.
FAST FACT: Of the cookie dough we bought, I will eat roughly 2/3 of it raw, only stopping because I am caught in mid-act, scooping it out with my hand.
At least the stuff that they sell these days is getting better.
I remember when I was a kid playing T-ball, and we had our door-to-door fund-raiser.
And what is the best thing to have little boys go around selling? Why shampoo, of course.
My parents ended up buying this industrial sized keg of strawberry shampoo that lasted for about 11 years.
Throughout my childhood, the only thing I remember using that shampoo for was to wash the dog, because what German Shepherd DOESN’T want to smell like strawberries?
FAST FACT: It is estimated that 90 percent of a child’s exercise comes from walking house to house selling things for fund-raisers.
But, so it goes when you have kids or when you live in a neighborhood with them. It’s just part of the rent.
If it makes you feel better, use this simple formula: Add up the number of children within a two-block radius. Multiply that by 12. Set that dollar amount aside at the beginning of each year, and your wrapping paper, cookie dough and pizza kit funds will be covered.
FAST FACT: $12 is a magical number required on all school fund-raisers.
So, the next time the doorbell rings, and you see neighborhood kid with paper in hand, don’t plot your exit strategy and grab the checkbook.
Just do your duty.
And you’ll know if it’s my kids selling stuff. They’ll be the ones with their hats turned backward.