Ax man

Is there a more useful tool than an ax?

Answer: No.

A few months ago, I shared with you my tale of deconstructing my children's play fort. Several frustrating minutes into trying to take it down peacefully with a screwdriver, I resorted to the far more satisfying mode of beating it to death with an ax. Thirty minutes, tops. Play fort leveled, any pent-up frustration, anger, etc. - gone.

So fast forward to the other day when my brother-in-law and I were moving a couch out of my house. We are in the midst of a great furniture swap, which means we currently have about twice the amount of furniture we need. I suggested we move out all of the old furniture first. My wife suggested I not suggest.

So what has resulted is several rooms and our garage turning into what look like storage sheds. Furniture is stacked on top of furniture, and on top of that is, say, a bin of winter clothes that will go into storage once the closet is no longer blocked by two mattresses that, I am told, are going somewhere. Some time.

Anywho, one of the biggest pieces we needed to get rid of was a sleeper sofa. I have vague recollections of moving this sofa up into our playroom. It involved me, a neighbor, several words not appropriate for a family newspaper and the repeated line of, "I'M NOT TRYING TO SCRATCH THE WALL!!! BUT WE CAN PAINT IT ... AHHHH ... MY HAND!!!"

So, needless to say, I never was in great love with this couch. Add to the fact that the sleeper part of it was crooked, so if you did make it out into a bed, your feet would be about a foot lower than your head. You always felt like you were just about to start sliding downhill.

FAST FACT 1: Did you know you can store roughly the entire contents of a Toys "R" Us in the compartment up under a sleeper bed?

FAST FACT 2: Did you know sleeper sofas weigh slightly more than most concrete mixing trucks?

My brother-in-law was helping with the moving. He and I are the most effective, efficient moving team ever assembled. We have been involved in several moves, and we have learned a few important things:

1. When you ask us to help you move, please know that "move" and "pack" are two different things.

2. If you are constantly saying, "Sorry ...," you are probably in the way. Please go sit by the truck.

3. Play-by-play and commentary? Yeah, we're good, thanks.

So Keith and I settled in by the couch and began to move it toward the door. It was obvious it was going to be a tight squeeze, so we took the door off the hinges and cleared the best path possible. As we turned and wiggled and twisted and rocked the couch, we got it almost all the way through the door. One arm was still catching, and it was going to take some serious craftiness to work it out.

"Or we could take an ax to it," I said. Keith jokingly said that was probably a good choice.

"Go ahead," I heard my wife say. "I hate that couch." Now THAT'S input I can get behind.

In no time, I was standing in my playroom, taking an ax to the couch. I am fairly certain that is the first and only time I will ever swing an ax at a couch in my house. And it was delightful.

Once I took the side of the couch off, it was amazing how easy it was to get the remains of the couch outside. It was also amazing how stress-free I felt.

That was by far the most difficult part of the furniture swap. We've got most of the furniture at least close to where it will eventually live. Should be just a matter of a few tweaks here and there. I'll keep my ax handy just in case.