Magic Vacation, part 1

There is nothing like going on vacation and having an African tribesman tell you that you don’t know how to dress your children.
No, we did not take a family vacation for a big game hunt. Rather, we headed for our annual pilgrimage to Disney, which goes to great lengths to bring authenticity to everything it does, including its parenting tips from a man with a bone in his nose.
But more on that later. We started our Disney adventure on Thursday, with our sights on the Magic Kingdom. And nothing gets you going like waking up at the crack of dawn to Parker, who is almost three, flinging open the curtains to the hotel room and screaming, “IT’S A PRETTY DAY!!!! LET’S GO TO DI-DNEY!!!” I, of course, responded to this by covering my head with a pillow.
Eventually, we got up and running and were ready to hit the park. Allie, who is five, was adamant that the first thing we would do was to ride Dumbo, the flying elephant ride. We got to the park shortly after it opened, and made a beeline to Dumbo. While Dumbo’s line was sort of long (about 30 minutes), I am pleased to report that it was the longest line we stood in all week. For those of you looking to find short lines at Disney, I have one simple suggestion – no diaper changes. It’s amazing how fast the lines clear for you.
After Dumbo, we hit the requisite rides, the main one, of course, being “It’s a Small World.” I am in the minority, in that I love the ride. That is because, in 1996, I was on it and it broke down, and I was subjected to about 30 minutes of the song, while the freaky little dolls were motionless. I have an extreme case of the Stockholm Syndrome, and must return to my captors’ beloved embrace whenever I can.
One of the most memorable moments of Magic Kingdom came when Allie and my wife rode Splash Mountain, a water ride that sends you barreling down a steep drop to be soaked. While I am sure that was fun for them, I enjoyed mine and Parker’s theater in the park production of “The Birds.” You see, as we were waiting for them to ride, I got Parker some popcorn. And birds, it turns out, LOVE them some popcorn. By the time it was over, Parker had a tremendous assortment of birds hanging around his stroller, begging for popcorn. And then the seagulls showed up. Party over, birds.
We spent the bulk of the day at Magic Kingdom, and cut out around dinner time to head back to the hotel. My wife and Allie went back to the park for the fireworks show, while Parker and I opted to stay back at the hotel room and argue the definition of “crabby.”
Day two was Animal Kingdom day. Animal Kingdom is essentially Disney’s version of a zoo, except that they have the amazing ability to make it rain whenever you are there. I have now been to Animal Kingdom five times, and it has rained every time. My guess is that their gift shop sales are lagging behind other parks, and they use their Disney powers to create rainfall to force you into gift shops. We were there with another family, and when the rain started, the father of the family said, “Listen – you can hear the sound of the ponchos being marked up!” True indeed.
But the rain was fleeting, and we were able to see lots of cool animals. Hippos, gorillas, tigers, international tourists who believe that clothing was intended to merely drape the body, not actually cover things.
As we were strolling through the park, we heard the sounds of drums, which we soon saw were coming from an authentic African tribe performing a fantastic routine. We watched for about 10 minutes, up to the conclusion, at which point Allie decided she wanted to meet the performers. Fair enough.
As we’re mingling amidst the folks – decked out in traditional African tribal garb – one of the drummers comes up to my wife and, in full African accent, says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but your son’s shoes on the wrong feet.”
Indignantly, we cut a look down at Parker. And saw his shoes on the wrong feet. So there you go. But before those without children pass judgment, I feel confident that any parent who has ever tried to dress a squirming child who is gearing up for a day at Disney is thrilled that both shoes end up on feet. Right/left is just gravy.
As we concluded Day Two of our Disney adventure, the kids were still having a great time. We had two parks to go. And one day to do it. We were up against the clock. We would have to move swiftly on our final day. No time to waste.
Join us next week for the conclusion of our Disney vacation, where we are fairly sure we put our kids’ shoes on the correct feet.