Musings from Mike

No particular theme to today’s column. (Like the others are such masterpieces of cohesion.) But I thought I would simply offer up some musings that have popped into my head of late:
1. My children continue to amaze me at the bizarre way they injure themselves. Clearly, it is genetic, since I have done such things as (a) fallen off a picnic bench and gashed my leg open (b) taken a chunk out of finger when I got it closed in a shotgun and (c) banged up my shoulder trying to asphalt-ski during some rain. (Perhaps lack of judgment led to (a) and (b).) My daughter managed to join the ranks the other day. She was carrying her pink plastic watering can, swinging it as she strolled, when she swung it too far and it smacked her in the face, bloodying her lip. My neighbor was standing with me at the time, and I had to assure him that his initial reaction to laugh was OK.
2. Once again, I have abandoned my feeble attempt at growing a beard. This time lasted all of about four days. I don’t know why I occasional consider the thought. For one thing, I can’t grow a beard. I have proven that. I grow a permanent 5:00 shadow. Plus, I can’t stand the feeling. And each time, my wife and I have this conversation:
ME: I’m thinking of growing a beard. Should I?
HER: No.
ME: But your dad has a beard.
HER: Yeah, but he can grow one.
ME: Well, so can I.
HER: No you can’t.
3. Had the house pressure washed recently, and it’s amazing what blasting the funk off of your house can do. They had to do it in installments, since I wouldn’t let them do the front porch with the rest of the house. We had a nest of birds, and I could not explain to my children that we had turned high pressure water hoses on the little baby birds that we had followed since they were eggs.
4. Yesterday was my 8th anniversary. (Also, my wife’s, as it turns out.) I applaud her efforts of putting up with me for this long, and can only hope that she never wakes up from what must be a mind-altering haze and realizes her husband has the emotional IQ of an 11-year-old.
5. While watching the NFL draft on Saturday, it occurred to me: I have no life. I decided I needed to take the kids outside to play. When I turned on the radio in the car so that I could hear it, I realized I may be in need of help. (For what’s it’s worth, the Titans made a monumental mistake in not selecting Matt Leinart.)
6. I have grill envy. My neighbor just got a new one, and I feel I have no choice but to sneak into his garage and liberate it. I wonder if he will notice. I cooked bratwurst on it and didn’t have a single flare-up. When I cook brat on mine, it looks like someone is down in my grill welding.
7. With the recent controversy regarding immigration, I feel it is time for me to weigh in on the subject: And my overriding thought right at this moment is this: Vince Young is a great athlete and may one day be a great NFL QB, but Leinart could step in and run Norm Chow’s system TODAY!
8. For the first time in my pool owning history, I have the cleanest, clearest pool I have ever had. There may be pools as clear as mine. But there are none clearer. And the reason for this? No water.
9. I successfully completed a home improvement project by myself, which is grounds for celebration. For about two years, a gate on a fence had been hung upside down (don’t ask), and I managed to attach it the right way so it didn’t fall off every time you opened it. And, I did it without any wounds that would require stitches, which is a major victory for me. On the heels of this success, I think I will rewire my house. I am unstoppable.
10. One of the symptoms of the kid funk know as croup is a cough that sounds like a seal’s bark. That is by far the most accurate medical description in the history of the world. I think I will see if Parker can balance a beach ball on his nose.
So that is all I have today. Next week, I will return with a normal column. And it may be about how you can simply look at the success Carson Palmer has had! How could you not pick Leinart!?!?!?