Van-tastic!

Minivans have become the gold standard of clichés when it comes to becoming a real, certified grown-up. It’s in the category of “Why don’t men ask for directions?” and “Why do women take so long to get ready?” We got it. You drive a minivan. Bye-bye youth.
Well, let me step right up and say that I have no problems asking for directions, and my wife can get ready in about four seconds. And that’s where the cliché-busting ends, seeing as how we now have a minivan. But it’s so easy to fall back on the minivan. There are so very many more signs that signify your true indoctrination into adulthood. Among them:
1. New hazards – If I walk through a room with the lights off, I will either step on a Matchbox car, trip over a doll, or get tangled in a jump rope. I know you’re asking, “Well, Mike, why don’t you simply pick up the toys?” Silly non-child having people. Have you not seen the documentaries “Toy Story” and “Child’s Play”? Put them up all you want. They will then scurry about as they please. And some will try and kill you.
2. New phrases – Six years ago, I never dreamed of uttering the following phrases:
“Get off the coffee table. And pick up your sandwich.”
“No, you can’t have peanut butter and toothpaste.”
“If you keep chewing your hair, I’m going to shave your head.”
“Where is the lampshade?”
“Yes, that IS very nice. Now flush.”
“Because it’s your sister’s. And you’re a boy. And even so, your hair is too short for a hair band.”
3. New rituals – Waking up used to be a leisurely stroll through the morning. Now, it is an obstacle course of kid-wrangling, breakfast-making and bed-making. By the time my wife and kids head out the door, I often find myself standing there in my pajamas, banana smeared on my shirt, the coffee still untouched, and me wondering, “What...just...happened?”
4. New joys in life – My weekends used to be very different. Happiness is now seeing a kid learning how to swing or climb a tree. Or seeing a 3-year-old boy learn that, with a running start, he can drop his older sister and take her basketball, only to find out she can return the beatdown, all the while I gently rest my arm on my wife’s shoulder and say, “There, there. There, there. They’ll work it out.” At which point she gives me a look as though I just drank the shampoo and says, “Have you lost your mind?” To which I say, “There, there. There, there.” And then my wife handles it.
5. New places to visit – And I’m not talking about Disney and the like. I’m talking about the top of the fast-food playground, where I have helped back down several kids (some not even mine). I’m talking about beneath a church pew, where you have to delicately try and retrieve a crayon, and not hit the ankle of the nice woman in front of you, hoping to avoid that awkward moment where you scoot out under the pew like you’re a mechanic and hold up the crayon to show that you have a valid reason to be there. I’m talking about the back of an SUV during a thunderstorm trying to change a diaper.
6. New fashion sense – While anyone who knows me can tell you I often look like I just hopped off the cover “Just Woke Up From a Nap” magazine, the choice of clothing is now dependent on the day’s tasks. Going to a birthday party? Go with lighter colors, as more than likely, the cake’s icing will be light. Going to a movie theater? Wear a coat, even if you know you don’t need it, because you will be giving it away to the little munchkin who insists she won’t need one. Going on a trip? Wear something loose, to allow for the menacing finger-wagging/arm shake to the back seat.
7. A new way of speaking – And I think you know which manner of speaking I refer to. Even the most sophisticated person will want to blurt things when they crack their knee on a coffee table. As parents, we come up with nonsensical ways to express anger, pain, etc. “Son of a Doodlebop!!!”
8. New fears – See No. 7. And if you are not familiar with the Doodlebops, a quick Google search will let you join the growing number of people who lie awake at night afraid Rooney Doodle may show up at your house.
And while there are countless other reasons, I think you get my drift. Sure, a minivan is still the ultimate “Aren’t you a grown-up!” symbol, but that’s really just the tip of the iceberg. Now, where is the lampshade?