Light it up

So there I was, perched atop the ladder, when I looked out over my neighborhood and saw three other neighbors on their ladders. And all I could think to myself was, “We’re idiots.”
Yes, every year we trot out the ladders and the lights to decorate our homes for Christmas. We live in a cul-de-sac, so you can’t be the one house in the neighborhood that doesn’t decorate, lest you look like this enormous anti-Christmas black hole.
Several neighbors trimmed their roof lines with lights, something I did a couple of years ago. I no longer do this for a couple of reasons: (1) I have not developed the ability to hover and (2) I saw a neighbor fall off his ladder two years ago and break his ankle.
It was one of the surreal moments. Another neighbor and I were standing in our respective yards and heard that horrible sound of a ladder sliding against the roof. Anyone who has ever been on a ladder knows the sound. Even if the ladder shifts a millionth of an inch, it gives the little grating noise that immediately jump-starts your brain to thinking. ‘WE’RE GONNA FALL!!!!” (Same thing happens when you’re on the roof, take a step, and a little of the roof grit gives way.)
So we heard the sound and looked up just in time to see him go splat. We both sprinted over to him (we were both holding out kids, who were 1 at the time, so it was more of a brisk walk) to see if he was OK. I am not sure how much help we thought we could have been since we were both holding babies. Perhaps drool has a magical curing ability.
Several neighbors opted for a new approach this year, which required some ladder use, but not full-out extension ladder/plummet-to-your-death potential. Using a really long pole, they extended the lights up to roof and inserted a special clip under the shingle. While it took some effort to navigate a 30-foot pole, it seemed to beat the alternative, which was walking with a limp. Of course, you do have to be careful that the extension cord you use to test the lights doesn’t tug on the recently strung roof lights, lest your two hours of work come crashing down on you. I was not there when it happened, so when I heard about it my initial inclination was to laugh hysterically. But to the witnesses who saw it happen, there was nothing funny at all. No jokes were made. No eye contact was made. Everyone just kinda backed away. I talked to my neighbor about it later, and it sounded like he was moments away from actually tearing his house down just so he could stomp on his roof line.
Eventually, he got his lights back up, and I highly recommend the lights stay up, lest they get a Hulk-style smashing. Ah, Christmas joy!
As for our house, since we’re not doing the roof line thing, we do it pretty simple. I only had to get on the ladder to hang a wreath over the porch, so my time off the ground was minimal.
The main thing we do is to cover the bushes with net lights, which are one of the greatest inventions of all time. Each year after Christmas, I try and pick up a couple of them on the cheap. Eventually, I want my yard to look like a giant lighted safety net.
I always let the kids help me when I decorate, and it follows a fairly familiar script: (1) I pull all of the boxes out of the attic, and the kids get all excited about decorating, and (2) I turn around to close up the attic, and turn back around to see that, in four seconds, they have removed the contents of all of the boxes and spread the contents around the house. This year was no different, and after I corralled the lights and tried unsuccessfully to argue with Parker on some of his decorating choices (“Fine, the snowman cookie jar goes on the couch”), I headed outside.
While net lights offer a convenience that traditional strands of light do not (namely, you don’t have to deal with tangles and ultimately end up saying things that your children shouldn’t hear), there is one drawback. The first part in net lights is “net,” and when little hands and feet are involved, the net aspect works quite well. About a third of the decorating time was spent freeing children from the nets. It’s like trying to put up lights with salmon jumping at you.
After not too much time, my modest little attempt at lighting the house for Christmas was completed. Sure, it doesn’t compete with the grand displays of some of my neighbors. But, since my house is lighted to some degree, at least the cul-de-sac on the whole looks complete. And I didn’t get a limp in the process, so I’d say all is right with the season.