Makeup Wakeup

I can honestly say it is the first time I have said to my wife, “Does my eyeliner look OK?”
But if I am going to do my Streisand show, by-gum I’m gonna do it right!
Ha! A little humor there to deflect my innate discomfort at wearing makeup! Just ol’ guy’s guy Mike joking with you!
Sigh. Yes, I am finally getting used to wearing makeup, as it is required for the play I am in. I was told that if I did not wear make-up, the stage lights would make my face look like a big white blob with two black dots. I was not sold. My wife then told me, “You have no choice.” Sold.
Truth of the matter is I didn’t so much have an issue with wearing it. The problem I had is that I have the artistic ability of a goat. Putting on make-up is, essentially, the equivalent of painting your face, and I am never going to win a “color inside the lines” contest.
I decided I would give it a go, though, because I am a trooper. That, and no one offered to help. I was told that I needed to put on base or powder or something like that on my face. “Get rid of the shine,” I was told. Also, I had to apply eyeliner around my eyes, which seems like a ridiculous thing to do. I have used pencils all my life and NEVER found a good reason to stick one right up under my eyeball.
When I emerged from my first makeup application attempt, I could tell by the reactions that I had not done a very good job. Most people kinda cocked their heads to the side and said “Awwww...” like they were looking at a 2-year-old who was trying to dress himself but was instead wearing a lamp shade and a pillow case.
Apparently, my big mistakes were (a) applying the base stuff WAY too thick and (b) putting on the eyeliner much the same way an athlete applies the black steaks under his eyes, except all the way around my eyes. I kinda resembled the love child of a raccoon and a half-baked gingerbread man.
It didn’t take long for someone to take pity on me. Several women, my wife included, decided to take on my makeup application. I’m not saying this was my plan all along, but I do note that on the times I have shopped for clothes for my wife, I have gotten a similar reaction. I walk up to a sales clerk, hold up, say, a shoe-shine kit, and say, “Do you think my wife will like this?” Bam – instant personal shopper.
So my wife was in charge of applying the base and powder, while the mother of a cast member took on the eyeliner task. When people asked why I had two people working on my makeup, I explained that as important as I am, I needed a makeup team. My makeup team would respond, “We’re not his team. He’s incompetent.”
On a couple of occasions, several other cast members would let me know that the base and eyeliner was not enough. “You need cheeks,” they would tell me. I was fairly certain I had cheeks, but they were not convinced, and before I knew what was going on, someone was coming at me with a brush and something they called “fig.”
Another fun little joke they would play on me was to tell me I needed lipstick. Yes, lipstick. “We can’t see your lips,” they would say. I think this is complete and total nonsense, and I was not going to be tricked into putting on lipstick. Never. Ever. At least not the stuff with glitter.
One of the toughest things about having to put on stage makeup was facing my friends afterwards. After one performance, I got home, scrubbed my face with Easy-Off and a Brillo pad, and decided to head over to my neighbors’ house, where several friends were enjoying a cold beverage. I walked into his garage bar, where guys were sitting around, playing poker, throwing darts. It’s our clubhouse, if you will. Our inner sanctum. And then someone looks at me and says, “Uh, you missed a little eyeliner there, beautiful.” Yes, nothing collapses the time-honored tradition of guys being guys like one of said guys coming in wearing eyeliner. I might as well have walked in made up like Tammy Faye Baker. I suspect I will be living that one down, oh, right about the time the earth crashes into the sun.
Truth be told, I know that it is a necessity of being on stage to wear makeup. The grief that I take comes with the territory of being a guy. And if there is one thing I know, it’s that I have given out my fair share of grief to my friends, so I really have to take it.
As the performances continue, I have the routine fairly down pat, and I am flinching far less when the eyeliner is being applied. While not something I will ever be completely accustomed to, I know it’s a necessity for being in a play. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some Christmas shopping to do. I am thinking my wife would love a shoe-shine kit...