Seems like most every year I write about my disdain for New Year’s resolutions. You set yourself up for failure, I say. But you know what? I think it’s about time that attitude changes. I mean, personal improvement is a fine goal, and there is no time like the dawning of a new year to kick things off. So while I have passed on New Year’s resolutions in the past, I will make up for the past and make a whole slew of them this year. Of the 10 resolutions below, if I only keep four of them, I will be in Ted Williamsesque rare air.
1. I resolve not to use awkward silence as a response to my wife. It turns out that when my wife offers up a 10-minute discussion of something that happened while she was in line at the drug store, the correct response is, “Wow, how about that?” or something of that ilk. Staring at her – or, even worse, saying, “What’s your point?” – will go bye-bye in 2007.
2. I resolve to accept the fact that children have a force field around them that makes it difficult for sound waves to penetrate their ears. Thus, when I say, “Go make your bed,” I will have a good understanding why the child instead continues trying to fill Mr. Potato Head with Play-Doh.
3. I resolve to purge my dresser of clothes that I have not worn in several years. Perhaps I need to come to grips with the fact that if I am embarrassed to wear a fraternity party T-shirt out in public because of its racy content, it should probably be purged from the stock.
4. I resolve to continue my ever-continuing goal of convincing myself that it’s just sports, life goes on, the sun will rise tomorrow. As a Falcons/Braves/Bama fan, I am thankful for their assistance in this matter through repeated lessons of “life goes on.”
5. I resolve to stick to the grocery list. I will go to the grocery store to pick up milk and will instead come home with, essentially, Kroger. I am not sure how it happens. I just wind through the aisles and stuff just starts appearing in my cart. I am so tired of getting home and having my wife look at the bags and say, “Uh, why did you get four turkeys?” and not have an answer. I don’t know why. So now I will stick to the list. And if “four turkeys” is on the list, I will call my wife and verify that one.
6. I resolve to open the grill before pre-heating it. This may seem like a no-brainer. And I thought I would never have to make such a evolution until last week. I heated the grill up and came out to throw some steaks on. As I approached the grill, I noticed an awkward smell. Definitely not a delicious pre-heated grill smell. When I opened up the grill, I found that the smell was coming from the melting plastic and metal from the grill utensils sitting on the grill getting roasted a balmy 400 degrees. For what it’s worth, I was able to clean the grill so that the steaks were not marinated in melted plastic.
7. I resolve to fix the towel rack once and for all. There are two towel racks in our bathroom, and one has been targeted for destruction by, I can only assume, my children. Every time I put it up, I walk in moments later to find it on the ground. On occasion, I find it being incorporated into a sword fight, which I immediately stop the moment my wife appears or someone draws blood. But I am going to put the rack back up, and I will anchor it to a wall stud and put video surveillance on it and, if I have to, stake Murphy the Attack Dachshund to protect it.
8. I resolve to figure out how to sell things on eBay. Fact of the matter is I am not going to listen to a CD of some band I absolutely loved in college but can’t even stand at this point, so there is no reason to keep an enormous box of CDs hanging around. I admit it. I’m old. And I might as well make a coin or two for someone who is just dying to learn about the Icelandic sensation “The Sugarcubes.”
9. I resolve to clean my garage and keep it clean. Hey, sometimes you make resolutions you have no plan on keeping. I feel obliged to include one as well.
10. I resolve to stick with decaf. I love my coffee. But when I had to give up caffeine last year, I had to kick my old friend to the curb. I have finally found some decaf I can like, and am even starting to look forward to my morning cup. I miss my old friend caffeine, but at least the coffee is back.
So I wish you well on your resolutions in 2007. I recommend that you, too, make as many resolutions as you can so that you are all but guaranteed some success in the New Year. It’s not about the six you won’t keep, but the four that you will.
Happy New Year!
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