Disney days

So my family has returned from our yearly Disney pilgrimage, and I feel obligated to share a few things with you that I learned during my four-day House of Mouse experience:
1. While it may not be dead, chivalry is certainly an endangered species. When we go to Disney, we stay on-site and travel everywhere by Disney bus. Coming home from the parks one night, we had two very tuckered out kids. My wife had Parker, our 4-year-old, asleep on her shoulder, while I carried Allie, our sleeping 6-year-old. We were the last group allowed on the bus and were relegated to standing-room only. There on either side of us were guys about my age, sitting with their significant others. One of them smacked his gum. And they enjoyed their seats the entire trip, never mind that a sleeping 6-year-old weighs approximately 1,100 pounds. Eventually, I simply plopped on the floor, since it was either that or get slung into one of the guys’ laps during a bus turn. I’m not sure what surprised me more: The fact that two grown men sat idly by while folks held sleeping kids, or the fact that their wives didn’t do what mine would have done in that situation, which was to dig an elbow deep in my ribs and, through gritted teeth, say, “STAND... UPPPPP.” When the bus arrived back at our hotel, I considered thanking the guys for allowing me to occupy their foot room on the floor. For some reason, I had a sense of good judgment and refrained.
2. We have a nation of children not learning properly. While standing in line for Star Tours, a Star Wars-themed simulator ride, a Stormtrooper in full uniform came strolling through the queue line, interacting with folks. Tons of folks my age were squealing to their children, “OMIGOD!!! A STORM-TROOPER!!!” Cut to everyone under the age of about 25, and there was nothing but a collection of blanks stares. Another time, we let Parker go into a store and pick out a toy. He opted for a Chewbacca action figure (“With Wookiee Fury Action!!!”). When he selected it, I made a loud (and well practiced) Wookiee call. The store got quiet and everyone stared at me. My wife was included in that group. My children will begin the Star Wars marathon viewing session soon. School will have to wait. They need to learn their Star Wars characters.
3. Lines are for suckers. We have fine tuned the art of Disney to the point where we hit all the top rides, but do so without spending half of our time in line. The longest line we ever stand in is about 15 minutes. We know the parks well enough to know when to go on which ride. Also, my wife carries a revolver.
4. My brilliant humor is unappreciated. While at Animal Kingdom, we were stopped at an exhibit looking at some animals. A duck that was sitting nearby took flight and buzzed right by my shoulder and then zoomed right by my wife’s ear. My wife did this Matrix-style avoidance dance, thinking she was under assault. She wheeled and looked at me, to which I simply said, “Hey, honey – duck.” You see, it was a duck ... and she should have ... ducked ... oh, never mind.
5. Some people have a sense of humor. Some don’t. I was parking a stroller and the kids both hopped out and started to run to their mother. As they passed me, I said loudly, “That’s right, children – run free – you are now the property of Disney!” Some people laughed. Others stared at me with a look that simply said, “Child abandonment is not funny.” Clearly, those are people without kids at Disney.
6. Princesses are magical. “That’s how they can be in two places at once, dear. Ooh, look – cotton candy!!!”
7. My children are the only ones on the planet without wheels built into their sneakers. Everywhere at Disney kids were wheeling past us with those sneaker/skates. I also find it unfair that I do not have a pair.
8. Once you get into the gates of Disney, it should be federal law that you can no longer comment on the price of anything. Most everyone is there voluntarily (Disney has a select program of forced roundups, but that’s mostly from the Midwest). You know you are going to spend 14 times what you planned. Accept it, and be happy and thankful Disney lets you leave, unlike those Midwestern “guests.”
9. “We’re all in this together.” That little reference is for those of you who, like me, have seen the Disney movie “High School Musical” 41,000 times. And, after attending a Wildcats pep rally in which my daughter got to dance with the East High crew, that song has been stuck on perma-loop in my head. I share it with you.
10. Nonsensical threats are sometimes the most effective. On our trip home, the children decided to engage in a yelling contest. Gripping the steering wheel ever tighter, I said to my wife, “Make ... them ... stop ... NOW.” My wife wheeled around, pointed to a pasture of cows we were passing and said, “Both of you be quiet now or your father might hit a cow.” They were both immediately quiet. I looked over at my wife and whispered, “That doesn’t even come close to making any sense.” “They’re quiet, aren’t they?” was her reply. Touché.
So, as usual, it was a great Disney trip, and we will most likely make our return next year. Hopefully by then, I’ll have my wheely shoes.