What a chore

So it was Saturday morning, around 10. “Sit. Both of you,” I said to my kids. At that point, I proceeded to give a stirring lecture on teamwork, the need for all parts of a machine to function together, the integrated workings of a fine-tuned family unit. Blank stares.
Somewhat frustrated that they did not get my brilliant — and might I add inspiring — words, I summed up, “I’m making a chore list. You both get chores.”
Allie raised her hand. “But I don’t want to clean up any of Parker’s messes.” I explained that we all worked together, and sometimes we cleaned up messes we made. I reminded her that I clean her clothes, yet don’t recall wearing any of her dresses. “They wouldn’t fit you,” she replied, somehow thinking she justified not having to clean up Star Wars figures.
So I went to the computer and made up two lists — one had everyday chores, such as putting dishes in the sink or making beds or figuring out what magic force field had covered the clothes hamper, keeping dirty clothes at least six feet away from it. Then there was the one-time chore list — put bikes back in garage, remove all small, plastic animals from underneath couch, undress dog, etc. I would assign them some chores from each list, set them free, and then have them wake me in my hammock when they were done.
In short order, I was told this was an idea only slightly better than a mesh boat. My wife informed me of its key flaws: (1) it was not color-coded and (2) there was no exciting game that went with assigning chores. Apparently, the only way for a chore list to be effective is to mate “Let’s Make a Deal” with the terror threat level.
In no time, my wife had bunches of slips of papers — some had blue writing (daily chore), some had green (one-time chore), some had red (combat terrorism chore). Color fun!
And there were hats to draw them out of — a Santa hat for Allie and a Spiderman one for Parker. Exciting game! We decided to let the kids take turns choosing chores. Figuring I could rig this like a third-world election, I gently guided Parker’s hand into the hat, fully expecting him to draw out what was supposed to be something appropriate for a 5-year-old, such as gather newspapers or put toys in toy boxes or dive from the back of the couch into the laundry pile. Allie, meanwhile, would get — in my crooked election — things geared for a 7-year-old, such as folding towels or gathering up dishes or staring hypnotized at “Hannah Montana” despite the fact that I am four inches from her saying, “Allie. Allie. Allie. Allie. Allie.”
Well, let’s just say that if any of the presidential candidates are looking for me to “tweak” this year’s election, look elsewhere.
Parker’s first three picks: Help make lunches; dust; vacuum upstairs.
Translation: Be covered in peanut butter; climb the bookshelves; lose a toe.
Allie’s first three choices: Trash bags upstairs; books on shelf in Parker’s room; sweep
Translation: Pass; pass; sweep
Eventually, my wife and I managed to switch some chores around to more appropriate places (which, for the record, would have been easily accomplished by my admittedly plain but astoundingly effective original list). Surprisingly, the kids embraced their chores. They would grab a slip of paper and run off and do their chore, and then come back when they were done. They kinda turned it into a game, seeing who could finish things faster. (And if there is one thing that is certain, the faster a 5- and 7-year-old cleans, the more clean it will be.)
After only a short while, the lists were pretty much done, and the kids were amazed at how much they had accomplished in a short period of time. I began my speech on WHY they were so effective and ways that we would be able to reduce our chore load in the future by a constant and continual diligence — hey, where are you going! Hey, come back! Man, my kids did the same thing. Fine. I’ll stop lecturing on the finer points of cleaning.
Anyway, I’m glad to see they have embraced the team concept. They are old enough to be integral members of Team Clean. Plus, it’s color-coded and therefore fun!