Snap to it

Bullwhips.
That’s the easiest solution.
This idea came to me the other day when I was in the grocery store. There I was, preparing to self checkout. I had two items. The limit at the self checkout is 15. I was golden.
I noticed that all four spots were full. Fair enough. That happens sometimes. As long as these folks met all the requirements of entering the realm of self checkout, no problem. The requirements are simple:
1. Absolutely, positively no violation of the 15-item limit. And no getting cute. You can’t have 17 boxes of Lucky Charms and chalk that up as one cereal. It’s items, not categories. Also, you cannot have two orders of 15 items each. That is 30. Thus, no self checkout.
2. You must know your produce and how to spin the produce wheel. If you do not know what the produce wheel is, you are not ready to self checkout your squash.
3. Coupons may only be used if they just happened to come attached to a product you were already buying. I’m all for saving. But this line is for saving time, not money.
So when I noticed the backup, I scanned the four spots to see what was blocking me.
• Spot one: Woman with basket, maybe six items. It appeared she was preparing for breakfast, based on the eggs, biscuits and bacon. She passed.
• Spot two: Twenty-something guy. Case of beer. Cash in hand. Perfect candidate.
• Spot three: Woman fumbling through her purse. Possibly looking for discount card, which could be a violation. Hold off judgment.
• Spot four: Bingo. There he was, a cart with roughly eight of every item in the store. And he appeared to be examining every single product before he scanned it, as if somehow his Kraft cheese would have evolved into a different type of food during his visit.
I locked eyes with the clerk who was manning the self-checkout aisle.
She gave me this look of helplessness, an almost shrug of disappointment.
I glanced up at the sign above me. “Fifteen?” I asked.
She shook her head, again sending the message that there was nothing she could do.
She motioned to the guy with the case of beer. “He should be done in a second,” she said.
“Good, because that guy won’t,” I said. He did not hear me, as he was busy intently studying a bottle of Cran-Grape.
In a matter of about 11 seconds, I was done with my self checkout transaction, because I am easily a pro, and most likely a first ballot hall of famer of self checker-outers.
When I left, the clerk gave a look of quasi-apology, I think a little frustrated that she could not enforce the rules of self checkout.
Which is when it hit me. The resounding crack of a bullwhip over someone’s head will surely get your attention.
The clerk does not have to be rude. She does not have to be pushy.
She just has to serve up a CRACK!!! over someone’s head, who will no doubt cower down and turn his head, to which she can politely say, “Sir, this aisle is reserved for 15 items or fewer,” as she rolls her whip back up and hangs it on her belt.
Find me the man who would continue checking out.
Now, understand, there would have to be Bullwhip Certification School, and no making contact with the customer without a majority vote of the people waiting behind him. I think that’s only reasonable.
The unfortunate part of it is that clerks are pretty helpless in enforcing the law of the grocery store.
I mean, let’s be honest – collectively, we can be a pretty nasty bunch of consumers on occasion.
We have morphed “The customer is always right” into “The customer can stomp on clerks and take advantage of the system and still complain about the way THEY’VE been treated.”
Sure, some clerks are inattentive and ineffective. But I have found that for the most part, the people at a checkout line are hard working folks trying to get you and your groceries headed out the door.
They respond in kind to a kind word and share an appreciation for being treated with respect. Nothing wrong with that.
And nothing brings respect like the sound barrier breaking snap of a bullwhip over your rule-breaking head.
So be nice to clerks. And obey the rules.