Fly away

So we went to the grocery store and I bought my daughter a fly swatter, as any good dad would.
OK, so it’s not your traditional family pastime, but the Gibbons family loves some fly swattin’. Let’s not pretend you’re better than that. You love it, too.
But we were at the store and Allie saw a beaut of a swatter: dark blue, and shaped like a hand. Her eyes lit up, as any little girl’s eyes would when she sees that special fly swatter.
On the way home, Allie was holding her new swatter, no doubt hoping to see some kids from her class so she could show off her awesome new purchase. I looked in the rear view mirror and there I saw Allie, gently waving the fly swatter in her brother’s direction.
Now let me tell you something about my kids. They are brother and sister. And by brother and sister I mean feuding varmints. They pick. They needle. They antagonize. Every fourth day or so, they play nicely together for 15-20 seconds. Don’t get me wrong – they’re good kids for the most part. But they get together and start this showdown of wills. I base this on the time I sat them down and told them we only have enough love for one of them. Now fight for it!
Ha! Little bad parenting humor there!
Anywho, we have been working very hard on avoiding the situations that lead to throwdowns. For example, say you are sitting on a couch. And say a little brother is kicking you. There are three options: (1) Get off of the couch and out of leg’s reach, and let Mommy and Daddy handle it (2) Kick back or (3) say, “STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT.”
Obviously, option 1 is not even to be considered.
Another example: Say you are in the swimming pool, and a big sister keeps swimming by you and splashing you. The three options: (1) Swim away (2) Treat her like a bear treats a salmon (3) say, “STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT.”
Again, option 1? Not popular. Now, I know what you are saying: “Mike, why are you allowing the kicking or the splashing or other behavior?” To which I say to you: Congratulations on growing up an only child. I am a little brother. There are certain things that are going to happen. The sun will rise. The leaves will fall. And siblings will scrap. It’s nature. And I am sure there are some of you out there whose children never go at it. Congratulations, although I hope that aggression isn’t being pent up for a later date.
But back to the fly swatter. When I saw her waving it, I said, “What are you doing?”
She replied, “Oh, I’m fanning him. I think he’d like it.”
Based on the reddening face, I don’t think he liked it. I went back to the discussion of how we can avoid problems before they even start. “Allie, you know how this is going to play out. Why antagonize? You know how this will end.”
“You mean with him thanking me for fanning him?”
At that point, the chance of me wrecking the car due to excessive laughter was great. “You don’t seriously believe that.”
“Sure I do.”
At that point, it was clear I needed to get her to a doctor immediately, because she had to have a very high fever that was causing delusional thoughts.
Once I composed myself, I used my cat-like reflexes to whip my arm to the back seat and snatch the fly swatter, which would stay up front with me for the rest of the trip, a trip that would be filled with my speech on how if you simply don’t push buttons, you generally don’t start major wars.
I am not sure the message got through, since they were busy arguing over whose fault it was that I took the fly swatter.
The upside is, of course, that they will grow out of it. They will grow out of it, right?